30 Ages in 30 Days, Day 17 - Age 15 (Sam)
Day 17 - Age 15 (Sam)
PG, Gen, Disclaimer on main page
Sam isn’t sure when it started. Maybe that night when he was thirteen and alone, waiting for Dad and Dean to come home. They had eventually, Dean’s blood all over both of them and Dad white as a sheet but insisting that they could take care of this on their own. They could, but it was touch and go for a moment, and Sam knew Dad was wrong, that they should have taken Dean to the hospital. It was the first time he realized that Dad wasn’t as infallible as he thought, that he didn’t know everything.
Sam paid special attention from then on, and suddenly, there were all kinds of decisions he was sure were based on guesswork and not knowledge. And sure, in their business sometimes guessing was the best you could do, because nobody knew for sure - that wasn’t what irked Sam. What did was that Dad never admitted to it. He always gave his orders as if he knew every single thing in the world. And the things he really did know he didn’t share with the. He simply expected them to do as he said and stumble around in the dark as to why they were doing it.
So Sam began asking for reasons, and it turned out that few things made Dad as mad as being second-guessed on orders. Because of course that was how he saw it. Dean had tried to mediate, tried to make Dad see that Sam only wanted to learn but in the end, he believed in following orders if they were given and didn’t think Dad was wrong the way Sam did.
Sam can feel how the lines are drawn clearer every day. With every question he asks Dad is less willing to explain, and with every explanation Dad refuses to give Sam is less willing to follow orders blindly. There are few days when this stalemate doesn’t end in a shouting match that’s eventually only broken up by Dean refereeing. In Dad’s eyes Sam is guilty of insubordination, and he reacts accordingly. He takes away Sam’s privileges, the few after-school activities he was allowed to attend, the one afternoon a week in the library. He makes him train longer and harder than ever before. And yes, it does affect Sam. It does make him want to give up and simply follow Dad’s orders. The thing is - he can’t. He has tried and found out that he can’t not ask why, and he knows Dad will never understand that. Dean doesn’t understand, either, but he realizes that Sam will always question things and sometimes, while he and Dad are shouting at each other, Sam glances at Dean and sees the hopelessness of the situation in his eyes.
Sam isn’t sure when it started and he doesn’t really know how it can end. All he knows is that it feels like Dad is controlling his whole life, like Sam can’t take a single step on his own, and he can’t breathe.
today's word count: 499
7,686 / 10,000 words. 76% done!
Note: This is part of the 30 Ages in 30 Days series.