bitch and moan - thats all im good for right?
im oh so very tired of caring. i wish i could just go numb. through all the turmoil of the last months ive tried to stay positive, and i managed to honestly do so through a lot of it. but i cant anymore. im tired. this is truly never gonna stop and i dont see how i could make any of it better. there are aspects of my life that ive had completely thought out since the age of 8. the road id take to get there has had some serious detours along the way but i always felt like i was heading in the right direction. now - after the last three months - i feel like ive been left on the side of the road somewhere. what makes it worse is that i dont know how i got there, so i dont know how to get back. i feel like i went to sleep one night, and woke up the next day in someone else's life. it was never supposed to be ANYTHING like this! i can deal with detours - God knows i oevercame one of the hardest. what i cant deal with is THIS! im so lost its not just my dreams ive lost sight of, i dont feel i know who i am anymore. i was always so sure. but the last three years have proven otherwise. and now with this - THIS - i dont know what to do. i try not to talk about it because when i do i just end up trying to convince people im not crazy - maybe im still trying to convince myself. maybe its just the mexican in me but, i wish i had just continued to avoid treatment. at least then people just thought i was a moody bitch. but no now that i have the pills to take, now im a mental case that has to be handle with extra care or i may crack like an egg. the worst part of it? not one person has responded differently to me. family, friends, employers, everyone looks at my with caution, apprehension and fear - but not fear of what i might do to myself, rather of what i may do to him/her. the diagnosis of my disorder was like a death sentence for my dreams, spirit, and my life; my life, not in the physical sense but in every other sense. that doesnt leave much does it? is it any wonder why i kept running from treatment? im so sick of this shit. truly. completely sick!