When your hands get this dirty, it's easier to just chop them off.
Oh, god, you guys. Ech. I've been dreading this day for a little while now, and fuck. This gutter I'm wallowing in is just as filthy and nasty and terrible as I feared it would be.
Just came home from surrendering my sidekick dog Houma to the Humane Society. My college ex (the Jman) was, true to form to the very end, too irresponsible to keep caring for him after I gave him our pup four months ago. There's not really any way I could have continued to keep him; not with pretty much every single thing in my life being up in the air at this point. I stupidly actually thought that perhaps the Jman had spontaneously sprouted some kind of basic competence and would be able to handle this task. Silly me.
Houma has been at my side since I was 19 fucking years old, the last four months excepted. He saw his crazy mommy through multiple break-ups, a marriage, the end of a marriage, six moves and five cats. He was the only constant in my life for years at a time. And now he's gone. And it's all my fault.
This is literally the single worst thing I have ever done in my entire life.
I work hard - very hard - to keep my promises, to be good to those around me, to be honorable, to pour more effort into doing anything right than the task deserves. And I have failed to do that for him.
Guilt and bad karma have a gravitational pull all their own. They both stick to you like soot, weigh you down, force every current to run against you and every hill to be seen from the bottom . Even if my integrity and inherent goodness weren't the most precious things in the world to me... the grime that one is covered in when behaving otherwise would be enough to motivate me to be a good person. So how the fuck did I get here? How did I become someone who could look into these eyes and still walk away??
On my way home, I stopped at Publix and, after getting my shit together enough to be seen in public, picked up large quantities of sushi, chocolate cake, and Leinie's Berry Weiss (an unexpected and somewhat happymaking surprise to find). And now I would very much like to get stuffed and buttered and smoked like a fucking Thanksgiving turkey. So, if you'll excuse me, I've got a pity party to attend.
Just came home from surrendering my sidekick dog Houma to the Humane Society. My college ex (the Jman) was, true to form to the very end, too irresponsible to keep caring for him after I gave him our pup four months ago. There's not really any way I could have continued to keep him; not with pretty much every single thing in my life being up in the air at this point. I stupidly actually thought that perhaps the Jman had spontaneously sprouted some kind of basic competence and would be able to handle this task. Silly me.
Houma has been at my side since I was 19 fucking years old, the last four months excepted. He saw his crazy mommy through multiple break-ups, a marriage, the end of a marriage, six moves and five cats. He was the only constant in my life for years at a time. And now he's gone. And it's all my fault.
This is literally the single worst thing I have ever done in my entire life.
I work hard - very hard - to keep my promises, to be good to those around me, to be honorable, to pour more effort into doing anything right than the task deserves. And I have failed to do that for him.
Guilt and bad karma have a gravitational pull all their own. They both stick to you like soot, weigh you down, force every current to run against you and every hill to be seen from the bottom . Even if my integrity and inherent goodness weren't the most precious things in the world to me... the grime that one is covered in when behaving otherwise would be enough to motivate me to be a good person. So how the fuck did I get here? How did I become someone who could look into these eyes and still walk away??
On my way home, I stopped at Publix and, after getting my shit together enough to be seen in public, picked up large quantities of sushi, chocolate cake, and Leinie's Berry Weiss (an unexpected and somewhat happymaking surprise to find). And now I would very much like to get stuffed and buttered and smoked like a fucking Thanksgiving turkey. So, if you'll excuse me, I've got a pity party to attend.