my boyfriends
i was telling Megan (my MK team leader) the other night that I wasn't sure I would make tonight's meeting. i told her there was a show that I'd give my right arm to see... and if I could get there, I wouldn't be at the meeting. she said she didn't understand wanting to see a band so badly... so i tried to explain.
i've said this before, and I'll say it again, and I just realized something a bit more tonight. i've never been in a long-term relationship. everyone wants someone to love, and someone who will love them back. i haven't been too lucky in love (though, I think my hope and belief has been restored tonight), but i have found loves... i have been in a long-term relationship with music for years... since maybe 1998. bands are my boyfriends. and I know it sounds trite, and i don't give a fuck, because it's how i feel and it's real.
so, take a band that i've loved since 2002. a band that makes my heart burst when they play, that makes me dance, laugh, cry, and scream when i listen. picture them in their hometown on the night that they release a project that's been envisioned since the beginning of the band, 5 years ago. a project they talked about the very first time i saw them play. a triple record. career suicide. and even if it is, i will not spite them for their ambition. because they gave me a record that means more to me than I can express. they played it for me in their van with this nervous excitement, just after finishing in the studio, and with hopes that their fans would not reject it. they trusted me to listen and not judge, barely knowing me but knowing that kristi keeps good company. and i knew then that the record would be epic... and not necessarily because a different band could never write the same songs, but because they had the courage, the honesty, the humility that nobody else did.
i'm not in philadelphia tonight seeing them play to their home crowd. i'm not watching my 2nd favorite band open the show. but my heart is still bursting. today i picked up my copy of "the mother, the mechanic and the path" and i knew right away that it was the 2nd album "the mother" that I wanted to hear first. i knew that i wanted to hear the love song that ace wrote for his best friends, and then the love song that he wrote for the woman who shares his heart.
"the truth is you know we can never find a better friend...
... it would make me so happy right now to hear... my oldest friend...
... the truth is... i love you so much that it hurts."
i miss Perry so bad, and when I hear this song i know someone else understands the value of friendship... really understands what he meant to me, what all my friends mean to me. and even if the band never plays a project perry show, even if i never see them again, i am forever indebted to them for the memories that i keep. that night in virginia, their "best show ever"... i sat on stage and felt it shake as the entire room connected with the band that night, and he was there behind me. he bought a hat, and wore it until the day he died, two years later. i missed him on my birthday, he always called. he always remembered, he always cared. next week, he would have been 25. everyone asked me how I felt on my birthday, and all I could think was "lucky to have made it a quarter century, happy to be here." and he just wasn't meant to come with me.
and only ace could write the very next song, the song that turned my tears into reluctant giggles, and then full out laughter, just when all i could think was i wished i could turn back the clock and hug him one more time, write him one more email, wish him one more happy birthday. ace shared his journey, his struggle, his vulnerability, and his ultimate success and joy... and on the second listen, i realized that it really is all worth waiting for, and if he could make it through up to right now and feel that happiness, there's all the hope in the world for me.
i digress. this brings me back to my point. i am in love with the early november. i am maybe 5% joking when i make this statement, but it's mostly true. they make me laugh, they make me cry... i swoon, i smile, every minute i spend in the same place with them, it's like nowhere else exists. everything is right and every song holds me up. and, unlike some bands (i'll get to that in a minute), they return the love. they appreciate me, and all their fans. they understand that we have other places we should be, other things we ought to spend our money on, lives outside of the scene where people say we are silly for devoting attention to such unimportant things as music, yet we choose to love them anyway.
and then there are bands that break my heart. they know who they are, and i don't say this to sound bitter, but maybe to explain the depth of how hurt i was when i finally realized they didn't love me back. i put more energy, time, love, sweat, tears, money, risk, and all other things of myself into that band than any before or any since. i saw them more than my family, more than my REAL friends, friends that loved me unconditionally. from the minute i woke up to the minute my eyes shut for a precious few hours at night, all i could think about was how to help them, how to support their goals, how to show everyone else why they should love this band too. the realization that they didn't understand me, appreciate me, or value me was so slow in coming, and when it finally hit me I shut down completely. i didn't want to talk to anyone, to go to work, to eat or sleep. and when i realized how fucking pathetic i was, I decided never to offer so much of my heart and soul to another band, because they couldn't possibly understand how to love me back. and that's why i left the music industry. my heart was broken into too many pieces, i didn't know what to do about it. since then, i think they got some idea of what i felt, i think jill finally made them realize. and i still love those boys. i still miss them all the time, and put in their cd when i wish they were at home. i still burst with pride when i talk to kids who love their music, and when i hear that they're doing well and finding new successes. i still am so excited to hear their voices on the phone, talking about soundscan, or new sponsors, or things as simple as silly stories, or new friends in new towns. heh, they'll probably think i'm nuts if they read this, but it needed to be said and this is my little slice of a soap box, and if i can't say it here, it might as well never be said.
with that, i've got to go to sleep. my eyes are burning from the salt water, and i work early in the am. god, that's another post all together. goodnight everyone. i hope you are good to yourself.
i've said this before, and I'll say it again, and I just realized something a bit more tonight. i've never been in a long-term relationship. everyone wants someone to love, and someone who will love them back. i haven't been too lucky in love (though, I think my hope and belief has been restored tonight), but i have found loves... i have been in a long-term relationship with music for years... since maybe 1998. bands are my boyfriends. and I know it sounds trite, and i don't give a fuck, because it's how i feel and it's real.
so, take a band that i've loved since 2002. a band that makes my heart burst when they play, that makes me dance, laugh, cry, and scream when i listen. picture them in their hometown on the night that they release a project that's been envisioned since the beginning of the band, 5 years ago. a project they talked about the very first time i saw them play. a triple record. career suicide. and even if it is, i will not spite them for their ambition. because they gave me a record that means more to me than I can express. they played it for me in their van with this nervous excitement, just after finishing in the studio, and with hopes that their fans would not reject it. they trusted me to listen and not judge, barely knowing me but knowing that kristi keeps good company. and i knew then that the record would be epic... and not necessarily because a different band could never write the same songs, but because they had the courage, the honesty, the humility that nobody else did.
i'm not in philadelphia tonight seeing them play to their home crowd. i'm not watching my 2nd favorite band open the show. but my heart is still bursting. today i picked up my copy of "the mother, the mechanic and the path" and i knew right away that it was the 2nd album "the mother" that I wanted to hear first. i knew that i wanted to hear the love song that ace wrote for his best friends, and then the love song that he wrote for the woman who shares his heart.
"the truth is you know we can never find a better friend...
... it would make me so happy right now to hear... my oldest friend...
... the truth is... i love you so much that it hurts."
i miss Perry so bad, and when I hear this song i know someone else understands the value of friendship... really understands what he meant to me, what all my friends mean to me. and even if the band never plays a project perry show, even if i never see them again, i am forever indebted to them for the memories that i keep. that night in virginia, their "best show ever"... i sat on stage and felt it shake as the entire room connected with the band that night, and he was there behind me. he bought a hat, and wore it until the day he died, two years later. i missed him on my birthday, he always called. he always remembered, he always cared. next week, he would have been 25. everyone asked me how I felt on my birthday, and all I could think was "lucky to have made it a quarter century, happy to be here." and he just wasn't meant to come with me.
and only ace could write the very next song, the song that turned my tears into reluctant giggles, and then full out laughter, just when all i could think was i wished i could turn back the clock and hug him one more time, write him one more email, wish him one more happy birthday. ace shared his journey, his struggle, his vulnerability, and his ultimate success and joy... and on the second listen, i realized that it really is all worth waiting for, and if he could make it through up to right now and feel that happiness, there's all the hope in the world for me.
i digress. this brings me back to my point. i am in love with the early november. i am maybe 5% joking when i make this statement, but it's mostly true. they make me laugh, they make me cry... i swoon, i smile, every minute i spend in the same place with them, it's like nowhere else exists. everything is right and every song holds me up. and, unlike some bands (i'll get to that in a minute), they return the love. they appreciate me, and all their fans. they understand that we have other places we should be, other things we ought to spend our money on, lives outside of the scene where people say we are silly for devoting attention to such unimportant things as music, yet we choose to love them anyway.
and then there are bands that break my heart. they know who they are, and i don't say this to sound bitter, but maybe to explain the depth of how hurt i was when i finally realized they didn't love me back. i put more energy, time, love, sweat, tears, money, risk, and all other things of myself into that band than any before or any since. i saw them more than my family, more than my REAL friends, friends that loved me unconditionally. from the minute i woke up to the minute my eyes shut for a precious few hours at night, all i could think about was how to help them, how to support their goals, how to show everyone else why they should love this band too. the realization that they didn't understand me, appreciate me, or value me was so slow in coming, and when it finally hit me I shut down completely. i didn't want to talk to anyone, to go to work, to eat or sleep. and when i realized how fucking pathetic i was, I decided never to offer so much of my heart and soul to another band, because they couldn't possibly understand how to love me back. and that's why i left the music industry. my heart was broken into too many pieces, i didn't know what to do about it. since then, i think they got some idea of what i felt, i think jill finally made them realize. and i still love those boys. i still miss them all the time, and put in their cd when i wish they were at home. i still burst with pride when i talk to kids who love their music, and when i hear that they're doing well and finding new successes. i still am so excited to hear their voices on the phone, talking about soundscan, or new sponsors, or things as simple as silly stories, or new friends in new towns. heh, they'll probably think i'm nuts if they read this, but it needed to be said and this is my little slice of a soap box, and if i can't say it here, it might as well never be said.
with that, i've got to go to sleep. my eyes are burning from the salt water, and i work early in the am. god, that's another post all together. goodnight everyone. i hope you are good to yourself.