Wasted (Part 6)
Summary : for
cheekymice 's funfic challenge. My prompt was "anorexia". This fanfic set in early first season, just after Thanksgiving and is AU.
Beta : I want to thank Helen C for betaing this fanfic and Beachtree for her help!
Disclaimers : The characters and the universe were created and are still owned by Josh Schwartz. (*glare*)
All mistakes are my personal property.
No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Thursday, March 24th
-“It was comforting,” explained Ryan.
-“Can you tell me how losing weight can be comforting?” asked Tom Mayle. As a psychiatrist, he had been dealing with anorexic teenagers for several years, but this kid was pretty different than the others. His family history was particularly intriguing: his mother had literally abandoned him to his lawyer’s family. Child services had validated the fact coldly and no one had even considered that the kid could have needed a specialist’s help.
Stories like that made him wanna shout at judiciary and social services. The kid had been abandoned after watching his brother thrown in jail, for crying out loud. Of course he was upset! Of course he needed to see someone for counseling! Someone who wasn't involved in the situation and who could give him some perspective, of course someone had to tell him that it was normal to be upset and that the adaptation was going to be tough. It wasn’t The Fresh Prince of Bel Air : a remake! It was reality, a real kid, with real anxiety and real issues.
Tom had no doubt that the Cohens were good people. He had heard some pretty good reports on the Sandy Cohen guy and he had heard about Kirsten Cohen, Caleb Nichols’ daughter. She was really respected in her job, but she was in real estate development. How could that qualify you to deal with a kid who had been thrown out by his own mother?
-“Because when I didn’t eat, I knew that I was going to lose weight for sure. It was comforting doing something and be sure of the result. Something that I could fully control,” developed Ryan.
-“Did you…do you have the feeling that you don’t control a lot of things?” asked the psychiatrist.
-“I don’t control anything,” whispered Ryan while looking down.
-“You’re a bright student. You control that, don’t you?”
Ryan shook his head, no.
-“I’m not as smart as Sandy thinks. I’ve got to study a lot to get good results,” explained Ryan.
-“That’s because you’re in AP classes. When you were in regular level classes, you didn’t have to study that much, did you?”
-“I had to catch up because all the other students are way more cultivated than I am. They’ve read tons of books I haven't even heard of, they’ve visited plenty of countries, been in every museums. I just can’t compete with them.”
-“I’m confused. How many 15 year old students have been taking AP’s classes?”
-“I was studying real hard,” explained Ryan. “That’s why…”
-“You were studying hard, but you’ve got to realize that you’re a smart kid.”
Ryan shrugged. Realizing that he wasn’t going to prove the kid how smart he was, Tom decided to let it go and to talk about something else.
-“And having the control on something was comforting because…”
Ryan bit his lips and seemed to think about it.
-“Because it’s stability. You do something, you’re certain to get something. It’s stable, certain. I’m not sure of anything in Newport…”
-“You can be sure that you’ve got a house, a foster family that loves you…”
Ryan winced and looked down.
-“Ryan?”
No reaction.
-“Ryan, you’re not sure of the feelings of your foster family for you?” asked Tom quietly.
-“Yeah, I am. But…the thing is…I’m not so sure they want to keep me…I’m trouble…I’ve always been. Even when my mom told me I was the good one, she also told me that I was trouble. She’s better off without me. She told me that. And the Cohen…they took me in mostly because of Seth. Because he was lonely and didn’t have friends…and now, he’s got plenty of new friends, and I’m a basket case, so…”
-“First of all, you’re certainly not a basket case…”
-“Yeah, sure,” whispered Ryan bitterly.
-“Ryan, if you’re okay with that, I’d like to talk about your family situation during the family session, but I can’t let slide the fact that you considered yourself as a basket case. Why?”
-“The Cohens feel obligated to eat with me and a few days ago we were having a walk on the beach and Kirsten kept asking me if I was okay and if I wanted to have a break and rest and…”
-“…and they’re worried for you as every parent can be for their child. They don’t consider you as a basket case but you’ve been seriously sick and you still are…”
-“…crazy, I know,” mumbled Ryan.
-“You’re not. Anorexia had been your way to cope with all the major changes that happened in your life. That’s not being crazy, that’s being human."
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Saturday, April 2nd
-“Come on, kid, I need your help for the breakfast!” explained Sandy spotting his foster son as he entered the kitchen. Ryan walked next to Sandy, in front of the stove, and began to stir a pan of eggs.
-“You’re hungry?” asked Sandy.
-“I don’t know,” answered Ryan with a shrug.
-“You don’t know?” asked Sandy softly. They had all their meals with Ryan. Even lunches. He or Kirsten came back from work and ate with their foster son. And every meal was painful. Ryan reluctantly put food in his mouth, chewed for what seemed hours to Sandy and didn’t participate to any discussion at all. Seth was talking, munching, talking, drinking and rambling while Ryan was focusing on his plate. “Try not to watch his plate,” had said the doctors. Easier said than done. Sandy and Kirsten couldn’t help it: they were mesmerized by Ryan’s plate during every meal.
- “When I started watching my food intake, I was always starving. But then the hunger pains just disappeared and it became easier not to eat much. And after that, when the coach asked me to stop losing weight, I tried to eat a little more but I couldn’t,” added Ryan as he looked self-consciously at a spot on the floor.
-“I wish I had realized you had a problem, kid, I’m really sorry for that.”
Ryan shook his head but before he could answer Sandy added:
-“I should have talked to you. We took you in because we wanted to provide you a better place to live. And we failed.”
-“It wasn’t… it’s not your fault,” answered Ryan.
-“I made you promises I didn’t keep, I should have talked to you much more.”
-“You had a lot of work. You still have and you and Kirsten shouldn’t feel obligated to baby-sit me,” added Ryan.
-“Ryan…”
-“I want to go back to school. It’s been three weeks, I feel better and I don’t want to be held back.”
-“Kid, there is no way Harbor staff is going to hold you back. Don’t worry about that. You need to rest and Seth brings your homework…”
-“Please…”
-“I’ll call your doctor and I ask him if he thinks you can go back to school, okay?”
-“Okay,” answered Ryan quietly while grabbing the orange juice and putting it on the table.
-“Dad, he needs to go back to school,” whispered Seth who, obviously had been eavesdropping the conversation.
-“Seth,” scolded Sandy while glancing at Ryan who was disposing the silverware around the plates.
-“Ryan will be with me in several classes and he can have lunch with Summer and me. You cannot seclude him forever.”
-“Besides, spending entire days all by himself is not going to help him to get a normal life,” added Kirsten.
-“Guys, what’s with the eavesdropping? You really think he can go back to school on Monday?”
-“Yes. And if we realize that he’s got a problem, we’ll find a solution. Let’s talk to him while eating those wonderful bacon’s slices.”
-“Hi, sweetie, thanks for cooking the breakfast,” exclaimed Kirsten before kissing Ryan on the cheek. Ryan blushed shyly and hastily added: ”Sandy cooked, I didn’t do much.”
-“Eggs and bacon so tasty?! Come on dude, Dad can’t do that! That’s why I never cook: with Mom and Dad's genes, I'd fail no matter how hard tried!”
Ryan smiled and shoveled some eggs in his mouth.
-“Sweetie, we had a big conference in the kitchen and we decided that you could go to school on Monday,” announced Kirsten.
-“Thanks, that’s great,” answered Ryan. “Could you help me catch up?”
-“Of course, but dude, I highly doubt that you need to! We’re studying The Grapes of Wrath and you’ve already studied it in AP’s class, you’re ahead of us in history as well and you’re fluent in Spanish.”
-“I’m not fluent, and I’ve forgotten a lot of stuff and…”
-“Kid, you’re going back to school, but you’ve got to take it easy. There's no way we're going to let you study all nights.”
-“Dude, that sucks. When I was eight, Dad told me he was gonna turn the power off just because I didn’t want to go to sleep. You know what, I’ll lend you my flashlight,” joked Seth earning a small smile from Ryan.
-“Sweetie, you’re going to do just fine,” reassured Kirsten, frowning when she saw Ryan poking his food nervously.
Ryan shrugged and didn’t answer.
-“Ryan, talk to us,” insisted Sandy. The kid was shutting down right in front of them and he wasn’t going to let it go. His ‘laissez faire’ attitude had already done enough damage, he thought bitterly.
-“I…,” began Ryan.
Seth quietly stood up. Ryan had to be more comfortable without him.
-“Dude, if you need me, just call me and I’ll be there,” he said. Ryan nodded but didn’t look up.
Kirsten sat down beside her foster son and put her hand on his shoulder.
-“Sweetie, what are you afraid of? You’re a bright student.”
-“Kid, you don’t need to spend all your free time studying to get good grades.”
Ryan shrugged and bit his lips nervously. How could they be so blind? He knew Sandy had decided to take him in after realizing that his test scores were in the 98th percentile. The tests were easy and he had been lucky. What if they finally understood that he was not the smart kid they believed he was? That he had no potential? Were they going to threw him out? Or were they going to keep him out of charity?
-“Ryan, please, tell us what you’re thinking,» insisted Sandy.
Ryan took a shuddered breath and whispered
-“What if I fail?”
-“First of all, I really don’t think you’re going to fail. I know that you were studying a lot before"…when we were so blind we didn’t realize you were desperate and starving yourself to death … "but you’re a really gifted kid. I had a meeting with Mr. Bentley and Mr. Tennison and they both told me how smart you were. Mr. Bentley told me that he had tried to reassure you about your grades. Kid, you’re so smart…”
Ryan didn’t look up. Okay,remember the last therapy session. What would Dr. Mayle say? Try to answer his question, not yours and it’s not about you and about what you think, thought Sandy. Ryan just wants you to answer his exact question. What if he failed?
-“If you failed and it’s a big 'if', kid, we’ll try to understand with you why you’re failing. If it’s because you don’t understand a lesson or don’t have the knowledge, we could help you or hire a tutor for you.”
-“And would that be okay for me to stay here? Even if I failed?» asked Ryan while keeping his head down.
Kirsten and Sandy exchanged an astonished glance. Was the kid that insecure? Did he really believe they were going to throw him out if he failed a class?
Kirsten gently squeezed Ryan’s shoulder.
-“Sweetie, look at me, please. We will never make you leave. Never. Whatever happened hasn't changed our minds about how much we love you. You’re part of this family. This is not a temporary thing, it’s forever.”
-“She’s right, kid. We don’t get rid of a family member. We even keep Caleb, for God’s sake! Whatever you do or don’t do, you’ll stay Kirsten’s son, my son and Seth’s brother. It’s unconditional.”
-“Yeah, but…” began Ryan before stopping. But my own mother preferred living with her boyfriend and his children than me, so how could some strangers call me family? Especially when I’m such a failure and a basket case?
Kirsten stroke gently Ryan’s hair.
-“But what, sweetie?”
“It’s so much easier without Trey and you. Believe me, I’m so happy I don’t have to take care of you anymore.”
-“Nothing…”
-“Kid, are you afraid that we’ll get rid of you if you’re not perfect?” asked Sandy. Watching Ryan flinch, he decided to go on. “Are you afraid that because your mother doesn’t want to take care of you anymore, we could decide to get rid of you?”
Ryan swallowed hard and didn’t answer. Kirsten and Sandy exchanged a glance.
-“Because if you think so, that would be totally wrong. We’ll never get rid of you whatever happens. I realized that you had an incredible potential when I read the result of your SAT’s, but we decided to take you in because you were smart and nice and sarcastic and because you just fit. You fit in this family, kid. And you’ll always fit. You’re the member of this family we didn’t know that was missing.”
Ryan was staring at the floor when he felt Kirsten pull him into a hug. But this time, it didn’t feel awkward and forced. It just felt exactly like what he needed. Ryan buried his head into his foster mom’s shoulder and allowed her to reassure and comfort him.
cheekymice 's funfic challenge. My prompt was "anorexia". This fanfic set in early first season, just after Thanksgiving and is AU.
Beta : I want to thank Helen C for betaing this fanfic and Beachtree for her help!
Disclaimers : The characters and the universe were created and are still owned by Josh Schwartz. (*glare*)
All mistakes are my personal property.
No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Thursday, March 24th
-“It was comforting,” explained Ryan.
-“Can you tell me how losing weight can be comforting?” asked Tom Mayle. As a psychiatrist, he had been dealing with anorexic teenagers for several years, but this kid was pretty different than the others. His family history was particularly intriguing: his mother had literally abandoned him to his lawyer’s family. Child services had validated the fact coldly and no one had even considered that the kid could have needed a specialist’s help.
Stories like that made him wanna shout at judiciary and social services. The kid had been abandoned after watching his brother thrown in jail, for crying out loud. Of course he was upset! Of course he needed to see someone for counseling! Someone who wasn't involved in the situation and who could give him some perspective, of course someone had to tell him that it was normal to be upset and that the adaptation was going to be tough. It wasn’t The Fresh Prince of Bel Air : a remake! It was reality, a real kid, with real anxiety and real issues.
Tom had no doubt that the Cohens were good people. He had heard some pretty good reports on the Sandy Cohen guy and he had heard about Kirsten Cohen, Caleb Nichols’ daughter. She was really respected in her job, but she was in real estate development. How could that qualify you to deal with a kid who had been thrown out by his own mother?
-“Because when I didn’t eat, I knew that I was going to lose weight for sure. It was comforting doing something and be sure of the result. Something that I could fully control,” developed Ryan.
-“Did you…do you have the feeling that you don’t control a lot of things?” asked the psychiatrist.
-“I don’t control anything,” whispered Ryan while looking down.
-“You’re a bright student. You control that, don’t you?”
Ryan shook his head, no.
-“I’m not as smart as Sandy thinks. I’ve got to study a lot to get good results,” explained Ryan.
-“That’s because you’re in AP classes. When you were in regular level classes, you didn’t have to study that much, did you?”
-“I had to catch up because all the other students are way more cultivated than I am. They’ve read tons of books I haven't even heard of, they’ve visited plenty of countries, been in every museums. I just can’t compete with them.”
-“I’m confused. How many 15 year old students have been taking AP’s classes?”
-“I was studying real hard,” explained Ryan. “That’s why…”
-“You were studying hard, but you’ve got to realize that you’re a smart kid.”
Ryan shrugged. Realizing that he wasn’t going to prove the kid how smart he was, Tom decided to let it go and to talk about something else.
-“And having the control on something was comforting because…”
Ryan bit his lips and seemed to think about it.
-“Because it’s stability. You do something, you’re certain to get something. It’s stable, certain. I’m not sure of anything in Newport…”
-“You can be sure that you’ve got a house, a foster family that loves you…”
Ryan winced and looked down.
-“Ryan?”
No reaction.
-“Ryan, you’re not sure of the feelings of your foster family for you?” asked Tom quietly.
-“Yeah, I am. But…the thing is…I’m not so sure they want to keep me…I’m trouble…I’ve always been. Even when my mom told me I was the good one, she also told me that I was trouble. She’s better off without me. She told me that. And the Cohen…they took me in mostly because of Seth. Because he was lonely and didn’t have friends…and now, he’s got plenty of new friends, and I’m a basket case, so…”
-“First of all, you’re certainly not a basket case…”
-“Yeah, sure,” whispered Ryan bitterly.
-“Ryan, if you’re okay with that, I’d like to talk about your family situation during the family session, but I can’t let slide the fact that you considered yourself as a basket case. Why?”
-“The Cohens feel obligated to eat with me and a few days ago we were having a walk on the beach and Kirsten kept asking me if I was okay and if I wanted to have a break and rest and…”
-“…and they’re worried for you as every parent can be for their child. They don’t consider you as a basket case but you’ve been seriously sick and you still are…”
-“…crazy, I know,” mumbled Ryan.
-“You’re not. Anorexia had been your way to cope with all the major changes that happened in your life. That’s not being crazy, that’s being human."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Saturday, April 2nd
-“Come on, kid, I need your help for the breakfast!” explained Sandy spotting his foster son as he entered the kitchen. Ryan walked next to Sandy, in front of the stove, and began to stir a pan of eggs.
-“You’re hungry?” asked Sandy.
-“I don’t know,” answered Ryan with a shrug.
-“You don’t know?” asked Sandy softly. They had all their meals with Ryan. Even lunches. He or Kirsten came back from work and ate with their foster son. And every meal was painful. Ryan reluctantly put food in his mouth, chewed for what seemed hours to Sandy and didn’t participate to any discussion at all. Seth was talking, munching, talking, drinking and rambling while Ryan was focusing on his plate. “Try not to watch his plate,” had said the doctors. Easier said than done. Sandy and Kirsten couldn’t help it: they were mesmerized by Ryan’s plate during every meal.
- “When I started watching my food intake, I was always starving. But then the hunger pains just disappeared and it became easier not to eat much. And after that, when the coach asked me to stop losing weight, I tried to eat a little more but I couldn’t,” added Ryan as he looked self-consciously at a spot on the floor.
-“I wish I had realized you had a problem, kid, I’m really sorry for that.”
Ryan shook his head but before he could answer Sandy added:
-“I should have talked to you. We took you in because we wanted to provide you a better place to live. And we failed.”
-“It wasn’t… it’s not your fault,” answered Ryan.
-“I made you promises I didn’t keep, I should have talked to you much more.”
-“You had a lot of work. You still have and you and Kirsten shouldn’t feel obligated to baby-sit me,” added Ryan.
-“Ryan…”
-“I want to go back to school. It’s been three weeks, I feel better and I don’t want to be held back.”
-“Kid, there is no way Harbor staff is going to hold you back. Don’t worry about that. You need to rest and Seth brings your homework…”
-“Please…”
-“I’ll call your doctor and I ask him if he thinks you can go back to school, okay?”
-“Okay,” answered Ryan quietly while grabbing the orange juice and putting it on the table.
-“Dad, he needs to go back to school,” whispered Seth who, obviously had been eavesdropping the conversation.
-“Seth,” scolded Sandy while glancing at Ryan who was disposing the silverware around the plates.
-“Ryan will be with me in several classes and he can have lunch with Summer and me. You cannot seclude him forever.”
-“Besides, spending entire days all by himself is not going to help him to get a normal life,” added Kirsten.
-“Guys, what’s with the eavesdropping? You really think he can go back to school on Monday?”
-“Yes. And if we realize that he’s got a problem, we’ll find a solution. Let’s talk to him while eating those wonderful bacon’s slices.”
-“Hi, sweetie, thanks for cooking the breakfast,” exclaimed Kirsten before kissing Ryan on the cheek. Ryan blushed shyly and hastily added: ”Sandy cooked, I didn’t do much.”
-“Eggs and bacon so tasty?! Come on dude, Dad can’t do that! That’s why I never cook: with Mom and Dad's genes, I'd fail no matter how hard tried!”
Ryan smiled and shoveled some eggs in his mouth.
-“Sweetie, we had a big conference in the kitchen and we decided that you could go to school on Monday,” announced Kirsten.
-“Thanks, that’s great,” answered Ryan. “Could you help me catch up?”
-“Of course, but dude, I highly doubt that you need to! We’re studying The Grapes of Wrath and you’ve already studied it in AP’s class, you’re ahead of us in history as well and you’re fluent in Spanish.”
-“I’m not fluent, and I’ve forgotten a lot of stuff and…”
-“Kid, you’re going back to school, but you’ve got to take it easy. There's no way we're going to let you study all nights.”
-“Dude, that sucks. When I was eight, Dad told me he was gonna turn the power off just because I didn’t want to go to sleep. You know what, I’ll lend you my flashlight,” joked Seth earning a small smile from Ryan.
-“Sweetie, you’re going to do just fine,” reassured Kirsten, frowning when she saw Ryan poking his food nervously.
Ryan shrugged and didn’t answer.
-“Ryan, talk to us,” insisted Sandy. The kid was shutting down right in front of them and he wasn’t going to let it go. His ‘laissez faire’ attitude had already done enough damage, he thought bitterly.
-“I…,” began Ryan.
Seth quietly stood up. Ryan had to be more comfortable without him.
-“Dude, if you need me, just call me and I’ll be there,” he said. Ryan nodded but didn’t look up.
Kirsten sat down beside her foster son and put her hand on his shoulder.
-“Sweetie, what are you afraid of? You’re a bright student.”
-“Kid, you don’t need to spend all your free time studying to get good grades.”
Ryan shrugged and bit his lips nervously. How could they be so blind? He knew Sandy had decided to take him in after realizing that his test scores were in the 98th percentile. The tests were easy and he had been lucky. What if they finally understood that he was not the smart kid they believed he was? That he had no potential? Were they going to threw him out? Or were they going to keep him out of charity?
-“Ryan, please, tell us what you’re thinking,» insisted Sandy.
Ryan took a shuddered breath and whispered
-“What if I fail?”
-“First of all, I really don’t think you’re going to fail. I know that you were studying a lot before"…when we were so blind we didn’t realize you were desperate and starving yourself to death … "but you’re a really gifted kid. I had a meeting with Mr. Bentley and Mr. Tennison and they both told me how smart you were. Mr. Bentley told me that he had tried to reassure you about your grades. Kid, you’re so smart…”
Ryan didn’t look up. Okay,remember the last therapy session. What would Dr. Mayle say? Try to answer his question, not yours and it’s not about you and about what you think, thought Sandy. Ryan just wants you to answer his exact question. What if he failed?
-“If you failed and it’s a big 'if', kid, we’ll try to understand with you why you’re failing. If it’s because you don’t understand a lesson or don’t have the knowledge, we could help you or hire a tutor for you.”
-“And would that be okay for me to stay here? Even if I failed?» asked Ryan while keeping his head down.
Kirsten and Sandy exchanged an astonished glance. Was the kid that insecure? Did he really believe they were going to throw him out if he failed a class?
Kirsten gently squeezed Ryan’s shoulder.
-“Sweetie, look at me, please. We will never make you leave. Never. Whatever happened hasn't changed our minds about how much we love you. You’re part of this family. This is not a temporary thing, it’s forever.”
-“She’s right, kid. We don’t get rid of a family member. We even keep Caleb, for God’s sake! Whatever you do or don’t do, you’ll stay Kirsten’s son, my son and Seth’s brother. It’s unconditional.”
-“Yeah, but…” began Ryan before stopping. But my own mother preferred living with her boyfriend and his children than me, so how could some strangers call me family? Especially when I’m such a failure and a basket case?
Kirsten stroke gently Ryan’s hair.
-“But what, sweetie?”
“It’s so much easier without Trey and you. Believe me, I’m so happy I don’t have to take care of you anymore.”
-“Nothing…”
-“Kid, are you afraid that we’ll get rid of you if you’re not perfect?” asked Sandy. Watching Ryan flinch, he decided to go on. “Are you afraid that because your mother doesn’t want to take care of you anymore, we could decide to get rid of you?”
Ryan swallowed hard and didn’t answer. Kirsten and Sandy exchanged a glance.
-“Because if you think so, that would be totally wrong. We’ll never get rid of you whatever happens. I realized that you had an incredible potential when I read the result of your SAT’s, but we decided to take you in because you were smart and nice and sarcastic and because you just fit. You fit in this family, kid. And you’ll always fit. You’re the member of this family we didn’t know that was missing.”
Ryan was staring at the floor when he felt Kirsten pull him into a hug. But this time, it didn’t feel awkward and forced. It just felt exactly like what he needed. Ryan buried his head into his foster mom’s shoulder and allowed her to reassure and comfort him.