(no subject)
Everybody asks me how she’s doing
Has she really lost her mind?
I said, I couldn’t tell you I’ve lost mine
What to say? What to say? So much to say.
The level of discontent in my life has risen. To think, it all began with someone else being unhappy, I just picked up the baton and ran. The six page paper detailing my life and all its attempts, struggles, and efforts towards self-actualization (a fully spiritually developed state for the nonRogerians out there) did NOT help. All this has left me feeling empty and pretty damn miserable. It is like life is only half of what it should be. These last few weeks have felt like a foolish effort that will lead to nothing. Just a cover for empty time.
Irish blood, English heart
This I'm made of
There is no one on earth I'm afraid of
And no regime can buy or sell me
So, who am I? Where do I belong? With whom do I belong? I don't know.
I've tried enlisting Chas' ear but he seems highly unconcerned. Whether he knows it or not his apathy towards a subject that is essentially the vocal point of my life presently kinda hurts.
But I have learned this lesson before: on the road to self-fullfillment no one else cares. Its just disheartening to know the man I would lay down my life for does not really seem even slightly interested.
I just needed someone to talk to
You were just too busy with yourself.
Which leads me to another point. I have realized how much I change myself for him and I do not like it. Always trying to be someone that will make him happy does not make me happy. If I ever wish to live my life with this person I need to stop lying. If he can't love me for me, screw it...but I think that won't be the problem.
I have also come to realize how completely different the two of us are. We have very few similar likes and we live completely different lifes...not to mention different ethics (which is unnerving). I love him dearly, but with my entire life up for restructuring I don't know where he will land. Sometimes I think it would just be easier for him if he found someone with more city-like morals and likes. I'm a wanderer with simple but deep ethics. If he does something I feel is inherently wrong generally it is considered perfectly fine in the city...and it makes me wonder who I'm dating.
I know we are supposed to be working towards an improved relationship but when I don't know what is going on in my own mind I cannot promise anything. There are a lot of things he does that bothers me, and I'm sure that it is vice versa. I know it sounds like all I want to do is push him away but honestly, I don't. Losing him would be utterly devastating. I have never loved someone so deeply.
But this makes me think again. I really think I dish out far too much of my emotions and heart to him. Possibly now would be the time to pull back, I'm a fully functional person that no one seems to understand. Everyone describes me as this huge mystery...maybe I'm just meant to not be understood. Dave used to compliment me. He'd drop a hints that he felt I was smart, cute, funny and wise. His biggest compliment was telling me that he could never understand me fully, or read me with all of his psychological prowess....that I was a mystery.
But another problem pops out. I have absolutely no idea what Chas thinks of me. He never compliments and he just doesn't tell me what he thinks. About the only thing he ever says is "You deserve better". Which is a statement I totally disagree with(I am sure if you know him you would side with me as well).
So who knows. I know I started this entry talking about my life and not knowing where it is going and then digressed to Chas but Chas is a major part of life (and one I cannot have any control over). Something I have found, especially with Chas, is that having a significant other is not the easiest thing. A lot of work is required to keep the relationship happy. Somedays I just wish I had a normal relationship, but is there ever truly a normal relationship?
She says I'm okay; I'm all right,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would
Now everything should be alright
Has she really lost her mind?
I said, I couldn’t tell you I’ve lost mine
What to say? What to say? So much to say.
The level of discontent in my life has risen. To think, it all began with someone else being unhappy, I just picked up the baton and ran. The six page paper detailing my life and all its attempts, struggles, and efforts towards self-actualization (a fully spiritually developed state for the nonRogerians out there) did NOT help. All this has left me feeling empty and pretty damn miserable. It is like life is only half of what it should be. These last few weeks have felt like a foolish effort that will lead to nothing. Just a cover for empty time.
Irish blood, English heart
This I'm made of
There is no one on earth I'm afraid of
And no regime can buy or sell me
So, who am I? Where do I belong? With whom do I belong? I don't know.
I've tried enlisting Chas' ear but he seems highly unconcerned. Whether he knows it or not his apathy towards a subject that is essentially the vocal point of my life presently kinda hurts.
But I have learned this lesson before: on the road to self-fullfillment no one else cares. Its just disheartening to know the man I would lay down my life for does not really seem even slightly interested.
I just needed someone to talk to
You were just too busy with yourself.
Which leads me to another point. I have realized how much I change myself for him and I do not like it. Always trying to be someone that will make him happy does not make me happy. If I ever wish to live my life with this person I need to stop lying. If he can't love me for me, screw it...but I think that won't be the problem.
I have also come to realize how completely different the two of us are. We have very few similar likes and we live completely different lifes...not to mention different ethics (which is unnerving). I love him dearly, but with my entire life up for restructuring I don't know where he will land. Sometimes I think it would just be easier for him if he found someone with more city-like morals and likes. I'm a wanderer with simple but deep ethics. If he does something I feel is inherently wrong generally it is considered perfectly fine in the city...and it makes me wonder who I'm dating.
I know we are supposed to be working towards an improved relationship but when I don't know what is going on in my own mind I cannot promise anything. There are a lot of things he does that bothers me, and I'm sure that it is vice versa. I know it sounds like all I want to do is push him away but honestly, I don't. Losing him would be utterly devastating. I have never loved someone so deeply.
But this makes me think again. I really think I dish out far too much of my emotions and heart to him. Possibly now would be the time to pull back, I'm a fully functional person that no one seems to understand. Everyone describes me as this huge mystery...maybe I'm just meant to not be understood. Dave used to compliment me. He'd drop a hints that he felt I was smart, cute, funny and wise. His biggest compliment was telling me that he could never understand me fully, or read me with all of his psychological prowess....that I was a mystery.
But another problem pops out. I have absolutely no idea what Chas thinks of me. He never compliments and he just doesn't tell me what he thinks. About the only thing he ever says is "You deserve better". Which is a statement I totally disagree with(I am sure if you know him you would side with me as well).
So who knows. I know I started this entry talking about my life and not knowing where it is going and then digressed to Chas but Chas is a major part of life (and one I cannot have any control over). Something I have found, especially with Chas, is that having a significant other is not the easiest thing. A lot of work is required to keep the relationship happy. Somedays I just wish I had a normal relationship, but is there ever truly a normal relationship?
She says I'm okay; I'm all right,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would
Now everything should be alright