don't know
ugh worst couple of days ever. feel. so. crappy.
mostly very full of doubt. and confusion and loneliness and such. not too sure why. well yeah i am. but ugh. i told gordon about it awhile ago, how i wished i could go to a shrink who could figure me out and give me a pill to cure all this madness. and he asked me if i thought my life would be worth living if someone could just do that. and i said yeah as long as im not in pain anymore. thats the focus right now.
you know whats really disturbing? seeing your parents cry. like last night i had a long talk with my mom about all this divorce business and our life before it and our life now, and there was a lot of crying. i remember when they were still married and my dad would fly into a rage over me not holding my fork right or speaking out of turn or being on the phone when he got home etc etc etc i would cry a lot afterwards but i didn't feel anything. i just cried, and i was sad. but i didn't feel all empty or alone or shitty. just angry and weepy. and i like that a lot better than how ive been crying lately because its not so bad. it just scares me how everything that's going terrible right now is not really in my control, how im not so much under my own control anymore. and how this world blows. i like how AP world is teaching me that. same with comparative religions. its like please just write on the board MAN INVENTED GOD and be done with it, god damn it. makes you lose a lot of faith. i remember one time i got through a really hard time by my faith in god. only one time. and it worked, i guess. and now i cant do that anymore. because im not so sure theres anyone listening anymore. so thats my one and only tried and true option down the crapper. and i dunno if anyones ever felt like even though they have friends and family, i wonder if anyone else feels like theyre totally alone. who do you call when youre on the edge? who could cure you? i dont know.
i have a lot of dreams you know im just so afraid. thats me these days, afraid. afraid of pain, afraid of failure, afraid of being alone, afraid of being forgotten and unloved, afraid of the future.
and all the while ive been wondering whether or not some magical pill can make some more synapses happen in my brain and make all this shit disappear. does it work? i dont know. maybe i'll find out.
mostly very full of doubt. and confusion and loneliness and such. not too sure why. well yeah i am. but ugh. i told gordon about it awhile ago, how i wished i could go to a shrink who could figure me out and give me a pill to cure all this madness. and he asked me if i thought my life would be worth living if someone could just do that. and i said yeah as long as im not in pain anymore. thats the focus right now.
you know whats really disturbing? seeing your parents cry. like last night i had a long talk with my mom about all this divorce business and our life before it and our life now, and there was a lot of crying. i remember when they were still married and my dad would fly into a rage over me not holding my fork right or speaking out of turn or being on the phone when he got home etc etc etc i would cry a lot afterwards but i didn't feel anything. i just cried, and i was sad. but i didn't feel all empty or alone or shitty. just angry and weepy. and i like that a lot better than how ive been crying lately because its not so bad. it just scares me how everything that's going terrible right now is not really in my control, how im not so much under my own control anymore. and how this world blows. i like how AP world is teaching me that. same with comparative religions. its like please just write on the board MAN INVENTED GOD and be done with it, god damn it. makes you lose a lot of faith. i remember one time i got through a really hard time by my faith in god. only one time. and it worked, i guess. and now i cant do that anymore. because im not so sure theres anyone listening anymore. so thats my one and only tried and true option down the crapper. and i dunno if anyones ever felt like even though they have friends and family, i wonder if anyone else feels like theyre totally alone. who do you call when youre on the edge? who could cure you? i dont know.
i have a lot of dreams you know im just so afraid. thats me these days, afraid. afraid of pain, afraid of failure, afraid of being alone, afraid of being forgotten and unloved, afraid of the future.
and all the while ive been wondering whether or not some magical pill can make some more synapses happen in my brain and make all this shit disappear. does it work? i dont know. maybe i'll find out.