WTF is wrong with me?
Got not-a-lot done last night... just sorta vegged. How do people manage to have a job, work out, keep their house clean and get all their chores done, make food for themselves, sleep an appropriate amount every night... and still have time to have a life, without completely wearing themselves out?
I don't understand. Sometimes I feel like I am a failure because I can't even come CLOSE to that. I feel like my house is always less-clean and less-organized than it should be, I steal from sleep time to have some social/unwind time, I never spend any time on important things like financial planning... I try very hard to keep on top of all of it, to schedule time for everything, but I never get everything done... I can't relax because I always feel like I have too much to do, that I'm behind in everything, it stresses me out, I'm not sleeping enough to try and fit everything in - and it's going to kill me eventually. Like, what the fuck?
*sighs* I want too much, I guess. I don't feel like I am being unreasonable, but maybe I am.
Please let this be a temporary mood swing, and NOT a sign that that this weird existential crisis / depression, which I thought I shook off a few weeks ago, is back. Fuck.
Seriously, is it just me? It must be just me, no one else I know seems to have any problems finding time to relax, socialize, or just veg out, without immediately feeling like they are wasting their life. I think it's a combination of wanting to do a lot of things, setting high standards for myself, and actually giving a fuck if I succeed at what I am trying to do. But if that always leaves me feeling like I am failing, what do I do? Settle for less? I am NOT OK with that! What can I change? Do I stop cleaning and doing chores? Not an option for me. I can't just quit my job, I'd only have to replace it with another. Ignore my health? No. Become a hermit? That would kill me even faster. Sleep even less? I am barely surviving on what I get now. Stop trying to do so much? My projects, as random as they seem to others, are almost all working towards something much bigger, something I hope against odds will finally bring me happiness and peace of mind and a feeling of accomplishment on this planet - quitting those would be giving up the last of my dreams. No matter what I do, it's shitty and not acceptable. Fuck this ridiculous, contrived, rat-race, machine-cog existence we call "life". There has to be a better way; and I will keep trying to find it, until it kills me.
I don't even really like Smashing Pumpkins much, but this line from "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" sometimes echoes far too true in my head; and since this is a self-proclaimed "emo-post" I am going to quote them... sorry if I didn't write my own bad poetry for the occasion, it was on my list for the past week but I never got to it, like so many things:
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage...
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage...
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage...
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage...
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage...
Other than that, things are great. The day-to-day is pretty good, really, a lot of the time - so I guess that's something. I don't want to die here, though - I have bigger dreams.
B.
I don't understand. Sometimes I feel like I am a failure because I can't even come CLOSE to that. I feel like my house is always less-clean and less-organized than it should be, I steal from sleep time to have some social/unwind time, I never spend any time on important things like financial planning... I try very hard to keep on top of all of it, to schedule time for everything, but I never get everything done... I can't relax because I always feel like I have too much to do, that I'm behind in everything, it stresses me out, I'm not sleeping enough to try and fit everything in - and it's going to kill me eventually. Like, what the fuck?
*sighs* I want too much, I guess. I don't feel like I am being unreasonable, but maybe I am.
Please let this be a temporary mood swing, and NOT a sign that that this weird existential crisis / depression, which I thought I shook off a few weeks ago, is back. Fuck.
Seriously, is it just me? It must be just me, no one else I know seems to have any problems finding time to relax, socialize, or just veg out, without immediately feeling like they are wasting their life. I think it's a combination of wanting to do a lot of things, setting high standards for myself, and actually giving a fuck if I succeed at what I am trying to do. But if that always leaves me feeling like I am failing, what do I do? Settle for less? I am NOT OK with that! What can I change? Do I stop cleaning and doing chores? Not an option for me. I can't just quit my job, I'd only have to replace it with another. Ignore my health? No. Become a hermit? That would kill me even faster. Sleep even less? I am barely surviving on what I get now. Stop trying to do so much? My projects, as random as they seem to others, are almost all working towards something much bigger, something I hope against odds will finally bring me happiness and peace of mind and a feeling of accomplishment on this planet - quitting those would be giving up the last of my dreams. No matter what I do, it's shitty and not acceptable. Fuck this ridiculous, contrived, rat-race, machine-cog existence we call "life". There has to be a better way; and I will keep trying to find it, until it kills me.
I don't even really like Smashing Pumpkins much, but this line from "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" sometimes echoes far too true in my head; and since this is a self-proclaimed "emo-post" I am going to quote them... sorry if I didn't write my own bad poetry for the occasion, it was on my list for the past week but I never got to it, like so many things:
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage...
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage...
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage...
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage...
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage...
Other than that, things are great. The day-to-day is pretty good, really, a lot of the time - so I guess that's something. I don't want to die here, though - I have bigger dreams.
B.