The old year is becoming unstable, crumbling to make way for the new...
Last few days have been really weird... hard even to categorize how... it's a lot of little things, and without recounting them all it will just seem like I'm just makin' this shit up. It really feels like this year is stating to unravel before its time.
Responding to an email from nikvulper I think I stumbled on it... it feels like everything is changing, everything is just a little "off". And it seems to be getting reflected in the tiniest little things around me... I just moved to a different building at work... the day I moved, my access card broke in two. I thought someone dropped a dime by my new desk - it was 10 pesos. Everything, every little thing, is wrong... well, maybe not wrong, but weird and different and unexpected.
Brokeback Mountain, seen on a whim, hit me so hard in the stomach that once I started breathing again, the world has stopped being the same colours anymore (anyone who talked to me online that evening can attest that it hit the "shuffle" button in my brain). It got me realizing that some of the things I've been thinking about in the back of my brain for some time now might need to get some more attention. Conversations with a relative "n00b" to the Toronto Furry group have me questioning a lot of things about myself... am I really what I think I am? Or am I deluding myself? How big is the rift between self-confidence and megalomania... am I a good person and comfortable with that... or do I THINK I'm a good person, and am comfortable with THINKING that... even if it's not true? Which of my "friends" are really friends, and which just sorta tolerate me, think of me as a joke, laugh at me behind my back? Can I be friends with someone who I like, but who makes me a worse person, or at least brings out the worst in me? If I don't like who I am around someone, can I really blame that on them? How much of that is me, which I can change or at least have some control over; and how much is their influence, which I cannot really change?
Anyways, I'm sure that, if you read that, it illustrates the sort of turmoil I'm experiencing.
I've really run out of time before Christmas to get everything done... many things (including myself) conspiring against me.
Tonight Ty Fox visits... I'm really looking forward to a nice fire-side chat with him. Wish I had nice new living-room furniture in front of the fireplace, maybe a chocolate brown leather sofa/loveseat set (to go with the new dining room set) but alas, it's the same old beat-up, mismatched off-colour broken stuff. Soon enough. I'm pleased with my slow but continuing progress in making/keeping this house presentable. Then after that, 3 steady years of paying off debts and by 35 maybe I can buy a house to put all this nice stuff in.
Anyways, Ty's around tonight, I should probably see darkk01 tomorrow, because we gotta get some shit straightened out before Christmas or we'll probably not have the best holidays. Desert may come by as well, I've sort-of inadvertently abandoned him in a new country for Christmas, I hate when I get myself in a stressful time-crunch and get so involved in what has to happen and what I need to do that I start letting people down. I'll also be packing on Friday night because on Saturday morning I leave with tora to go visit hurstinu for Christmas Eve / Christmas Day, before Tora heads off with halex and me off with Damaron for a few days after Xmas.
So I have essentially no time left to cook for Christmas (I have ingredients for cabbage rolls, Icelandic cake, gingerbread cookies, thumbprint cookies, butter tarts, sweet'n'sour meatballs, cheesecake and turkey with stuffing!) and no time left to SHOP for Christmas gifts.
I suspect I will be doing a little cooking tonight while Ty's around, and a little shopping tomorrow afternoon for the gifts I REALLY need before Xmas; then taking the rest of the ingredients along and cooking at Damaron's cabin on the 25-27th, and then shopping after that and distributing the remaining gifts on New Year's.
Speaking of New Year's, I still have no plans. Part of me wants to do something really low-key... and part of me wants to send this year off with a big happy kick in the ass, and welcome the new one with a gigantic rockin' party. I dunno.
B.
Responding to an email from nikvulper I think I stumbled on it... it feels like everything is changing, everything is just a little "off". And it seems to be getting reflected in the tiniest little things around me... I just moved to a different building at work... the day I moved, my access card broke in two. I thought someone dropped a dime by my new desk - it was 10 pesos. Everything, every little thing, is wrong... well, maybe not wrong, but weird and different and unexpected.
Brokeback Mountain, seen on a whim, hit me so hard in the stomach that once I started breathing again, the world has stopped being the same colours anymore (anyone who talked to me online that evening can attest that it hit the "shuffle" button in my brain). It got me realizing that some of the things I've been thinking about in the back of my brain for some time now might need to get some more attention. Conversations with a relative "n00b" to the Toronto Furry group have me questioning a lot of things about myself... am I really what I think I am? Or am I deluding myself? How big is the rift between self-confidence and megalomania... am I a good person and comfortable with that... or do I THINK I'm a good person, and am comfortable with THINKING that... even if it's not true? Which of my "friends" are really friends, and which just sorta tolerate me, think of me as a joke, laugh at me behind my back? Can I be friends with someone who I like, but who makes me a worse person, or at least brings out the worst in me? If I don't like who I am around someone, can I really blame that on them? How much of that is me, which I can change or at least have some control over; and how much is their influence, which I cannot really change?
Anyways, I'm sure that, if you read that, it illustrates the sort of turmoil I'm experiencing.
I've really run out of time before Christmas to get everything done... many things (including myself) conspiring against me.
Tonight Ty Fox visits... I'm really looking forward to a nice fire-side chat with him. Wish I had nice new living-room furniture in front of the fireplace, maybe a chocolate brown leather sofa/loveseat set (to go with the new dining room set) but alas, it's the same old beat-up, mismatched off-colour broken stuff. Soon enough. I'm pleased with my slow but continuing progress in making/keeping this house presentable. Then after that, 3 steady years of paying off debts and by 35 maybe I can buy a house to put all this nice stuff in.
Anyways, Ty's around tonight, I should probably see darkk01 tomorrow, because we gotta get some shit straightened out before Christmas or we'll probably not have the best holidays. Desert may come by as well, I've sort-of inadvertently abandoned him in a new country for Christmas, I hate when I get myself in a stressful time-crunch and get so involved in what has to happen and what I need to do that I start letting people down. I'll also be packing on Friday night because on Saturday morning I leave with tora to go visit hurstinu for Christmas Eve / Christmas Day, before Tora heads off with halex and me off with Damaron for a few days after Xmas.
So I have essentially no time left to cook for Christmas (I have ingredients for cabbage rolls, Icelandic cake, gingerbread cookies, thumbprint cookies, butter tarts, sweet'n'sour meatballs, cheesecake and turkey with stuffing!) and no time left to SHOP for Christmas gifts.
I suspect I will be doing a little cooking tonight while Ty's around, and a little shopping tomorrow afternoon for the gifts I REALLY need before Xmas; then taking the rest of the ingredients along and cooking at Damaron's cabin on the 25-27th, and then shopping after that and distributing the remaining gifts on New Year's.
Speaking of New Year's, I still have no plans. Part of me wants to do something really low-key... and part of me wants to send this year off with a big happy kick in the ass, and welcome the new one with a gigantic rockin' party. I dunno.
B.