August 14 -- Without my pride
Dear Diary,
I've been sitting here for twenty minutes, trying to think about what I should start with, and the truth is that I honestly don't know.
Someone who basically worships Edwin Bordros has appeared and is apparently incredibly smitten with Bordros or the memory of him or the idea of him, or something. Apparently, he and a small person took out five members of the Sigil this afternoon, and I'm kind of baffled at it. No wonder we have self-defense classes, though I suppose that if I knew which five, it might make more sense. I remember that there used to be a policy about not engaging or not attacking or something, but maybe that's changed. I just... okay, maybe we're not all combat-trained and all, but... I mean, if you're not combat-trained, maybe ask for help or...?
I don't know. It's probably not my place to know.
We dismissed the idea of him really caring much about us one way or the other, at least to begin with, but everyone's treating him like a real threat, and rumor has it that he's going back and forth between Edwin's house back north and Stormwind. That... I don't really know what to make of it. But I've asked that, if anyone we know is asked about Dizzy (or Anita), that they say that she's dead. I'm going to write to her and tell her about this myself, just to ensure that we don't have to go through that again. It's callous, I know, but I'd rather be seen as callous or heartless and have her alive than be seen as loving and warm and have her dead or in the hands of another monster.
I can't
I can't deal with her being taken again. Not again. Not anymore. I think about it and I feel nothing any longer. Nothing but deadness. The idea of losing her shouldn't impress that upon me, but it does.
So that's the situation there. I suppose we're just waiting to see what happens. I don't really want to wait and see what happens... I want to be proactive this time. I want to end things before they begin. Maybe I'll go and stake out the Bordros house later. That probably isn't wise, but I might do it anyway, just for the hell of it. Just to see if things are really hellish there.
Oliver also brought with him a piece of mail tonight that he received yesterday. It was an old, moldy envelope that looked like it'd been sent months ago but only just arrived. When he opened it, he found his wedding ring from his marriage to Adeline. He's extremely worried about what might've become of her, and for good reason--it's more than possible that she's been raised, which means her soul was torn out of Paradise and forced into slavery and undeath. Her body would've been put through considerable torture and raised from its rest. Her mind would be free enough, but only as free as the Bitch Queen would want it.
He wants to go to Southshore tomorrow and see if her grave's been disturbed. Even though I hate Southshore, I said I'd come with him.
He's worried. He's understandably worried. I can't fault him for being worried. I'd be worried. If it was Riley, if it was anyone I'd loved before, I'd be worried.
But there's still part of me--a large part--that feels lost right now, so very lost. Adeline was his first wife and they were married for thirty years. Thirty years! We're only just past one. If she's around again, what's more, she'll be undead, and if she's undead...
Light, I shouldn't be thinking like this. If she's undead, she's in unfathomable torment, and all I can think about is how I might lose my husband and feel incredibly competitive about this woman I've never even met and who has no reason to bear ill will towards me. She might not even be undead! She might just be dead, and if she is just dead, all this worry is for nothing and I am, once again, being a selfish bitch who doesn't care about anyone's feelings or worries but her own.
But that's not even true, I do care that Oliver's worried. I do care. Just...
I can't make this go away. I want it to go away, but I can't. I never thought this would be something to worry about, but if she wants him back, how can I compete?
WHY THE FUCK AM I THINKING LIKE THIS?
I wish I had someone to talk to about this. I wish that I had someone to make me not afraid, but that I've spent the last several months cooped up in Surwich recuperating has basically ruined any chance I had of real, lasting friendships. Dad wouldn't want to hear this and would tell me to stop being stupid. Arubrey is Light knows where. Riley's gone mad. Ludo's in Hearthglen still with bigger concerns. Marius is away with bigger concerns (and would also tell me to stop being stupid).
I just
I thought I was through being alone, that's all.
-S.
I've been sitting here for twenty minutes, trying to think about what I should start with, and the truth is that I honestly don't know.
Someone who basically worships Edwin Bordros has appeared and is apparently incredibly smitten with Bordros or the memory of him or the idea of him, or something. Apparently, he and a small person took out five members of the Sigil this afternoon, and I'm kind of baffled at it. No wonder we have self-defense classes, though I suppose that if I knew which five, it might make more sense. I remember that there used to be a policy about not engaging or not attacking or something, but maybe that's changed. I just... okay, maybe we're not all combat-trained and all, but... I mean, if you're not combat-trained, maybe ask for help or...?
I don't know. It's probably not my place to know.
We dismissed the idea of him really caring much about us one way or the other, at least to begin with, but everyone's treating him like a real threat, and rumor has it that he's going back and forth between Edwin's house back north and Stormwind. That... I don't really know what to make of it. But I've asked that, if anyone we know is asked about Dizzy (or Anita), that they say that she's dead. I'm going to write to her and tell her about this myself, just to ensure that we don't have to go through that again. It's callous, I know, but I'd rather be seen as callous or heartless and have her alive than be seen as loving and warm and have her dead or in the hands of another monster.
I can't
I can't deal with her being taken again. Not again. Not anymore. I think about it and I feel nothing any longer. Nothing but deadness. The idea of losing her shouldn't impress that upon me, but it does.
So that's the situation there. I suppose we're just waiting to see what happens. I don't really want to wait and see what happens... I want to be proactive this time. I want to end things before they begin. Maybe I'll go and stake out the Bordros house later. That probably isn't wise, but I might do it anyway, just for the hell of it. Just to see if things are really hellish there.
Oliver also brought with him a piece of mail tonight that he received yesterday. It was an old, moldy envelope that looked like it'd been sent months ago but only just arrived. When he opened it, he found his wedding ring from his marriage to Adeline. He's extremely worried about what might've become of her, and for good reason--it's more than possible that she's been raised, which means her soul was torn out of Paradise and forced into slavery and undeath. Her body would've been put through considerable torture and raised from its rest. Her mind would be free enough, but only as free as the Bitch Queen would want it.
He wants to go to Southshore tomorrow and see if her grave's been disturbed. Even though I hate Southshore, I said I'd come with him.
He's worried. He's understandably worried. I can't fault him for being worried. I'd be worried. If it was Riley, if it was anyone I'd loved before, I'd be worried.
But there's still part of me--a large part--that feels lost right now, so very lost. Adeline was his first wife and they were married for thirty years. Thirty years! We're only just past one. If she's around again, what's more, she'll be undead, and if she's undead...
Light, I shouldn't be thinking like this. If she's undead, she's in unfathomable torment, and all I can think about is how I might lose my husband and feel incredibly competitive about this woman I've never even met and who has no reason to bear ill will towards me. She might not even be undead! She might just be dead, and if she is just dead, all this worry is for nothing and I am, once again, being a selfish bitch who doesn't care about anyone's feelings or worries but her own.
But that's not even true, I do care that Oliver's worried. I do care. Just...
I can't make this go away. I want it to go away, but I can't. I never thought this would be something to worry about, but if she wants him back, how can I compete?
WHY THE FUCK AM I THINKING LIKE THIS?
I wish I had someone to talk to about this. I wish that I had someone to make me not afraid, but that I've spent the last several months cooped up in Surwich recuperating has basically ruined any chance I had of real, lasting friendships. Dad wouldn't want to hear this and would tell me to stop being stupid. Arubrey is Light knows where. Riley's gone mad. Ludo's in Hearthglen still with bigger concerns. Marius is away with bigger concerns (and would also tell me to stop being stupid).
I just
I thought I was through being alone, that's all.
-S.