August 2 -- Think
Dear Diary,
I've decided firmly in the last two days that I am going to get a tattoo. Possibly two tattoos, but I'm not sure about the second. The first is going to be the word "THINK" on my index finger. Possibly on both index fingers. This is so that when I go to do something stupid (for example, necromancy), I'll stop and think about it and consider whether what I'm doing is good or not.
This came after a long talk with Dad where he basically screamed at me to start thinking in the moment. I always forget to because the emotions of any given moment are more overwhelming than any logic I might have, and suffice it to say that very few of my worse decisions are actually calculated ones. Most of the horrible decisions I make are ones where I'm hurting too much or someone I love is hurting too much and I have the power to fix it. For example, there's Dizzy. Thinking it through logically, everyone was right: we shouldn't have even been near her. But then I saw how angry it made Ziichi (why did I care?) and how hurt it made Dizzy and Oliver and thinking didn't matter.
That was stupid of me.
There's the whip's lash. That's rarely ever something that I plan through (largely because if I did plan it through, I'd talk myself out of it) and almost always something that comes when everything is just too heavy for me to bear, specifically the fact that I'm a monster addicted to causing pain and suffering in everyone I know and love. For years, causing myself that kind of pain didn't matter because it didn't hurt anyone else to punish myself that way, but now, it's a different story. Now, suddenly, it hurts people when I hurt myself, and that's weird.
And stupid of me.
Senkha Fuoco MacGlynn, if there is one thing I cannot -- WILL NOT TOLERATE -- it's you taking the literal whipping for me.
That's what Dad said when I let it slip. And part of me just doesn't understand it, I suppose, but it's what people want from me, so I'll respect it. I just... I don't know how else to deal with things sometimes. And the whip helps with that. It's like cutting myself open so the pain can leak out, and that's a good thing, or at least it feels good. But it's not right. I need to keep remembering that. Even if I deserve it, it's not right.
Besides. I need to not be a hypocrite about it.
See, Dad's dealing with hell at the moment, too. He's discovered that he feels uncomfortable around Stehl lately because being around Stehl makes him feel again. He has to go through agony for it, but the other day, Stehl put his hand on Dad's chest and even though it burned, he could feel the grass and the air and everything. That's what the Light does, and that much concentrated Light... it hurts and burns the undead, but it makes them feel.
And now it makes sense why Oliver spends so much time in the Cathedral and around paladins. I don't think he even realizes that he does it. It just all makes sense now. And Dad was miserable over it because he felt for the first time since dying and then it was gone. Just like that. He was saying that how miserable he was over it was his punishment for being a creature that survives off causing pain and suffering.
Which is not fair. If I'm not allowed to punish myself and sit around moping because I often cause pain and suffering through my own willful stupidity, he's not allowed to sit around moping because he has to cause pain and suffering to survive, especially since he's like Oliver and takes out that need on things that deserve it: the Forsaken and demons.
So I can't sit here and say that I should be allowed to do this when I'm not allowing it of Dad. If nothing else, I need to stop doing this just so that I can tell him not to, because even if I deserve it, he doesn't.
-S.
I've decided firmly in the last two days that I am going to get a tattoo. Possibly two tattoos, but I'm not sure about the second. The first is going to be the word "THINK" on my index finger. Possibly on both index fingers. This is so that when I go to do something stupid (for example, necromancy), I'll stop and think about it and consider whether what I'm doing is good or not.
This came after a long talk with Dad where he basically screamed at me to start thinking in the moment. I always forget to because the emotions of any given moment are more overwhelming than any logic I might have, and suffice it to say that very few of my worse decisions are actually calculated ones. Most of the horrible decisions I make are ones where I'm hurting too much or someone I love is hurting too much and I have the power to fix it. For example, there's Dizzy. Thinking it through logically, everyone was right: we shouldn't have even been near her. But then I saw how angry it made Ziichi (why did I care?) and how hurt it made Dizzy and Oliver and thinking didn't matter.
That was stupid of me.
There's the whip's lash. That's rarely ever something that I plan through (largely because if I did plan it through, I'd talk myself out of it) and almost always something that comes when everything is just too heavy for me to bear, specifically the fact that I'm a monster addicted to causing pain and suffering in everyone I know and love. For years, causing myself that kind of pain didn't matter because it didn't hurt anyone else to punish myself that way, but now, it's a different story. Now, suddenly, it hurts people when I hurt myself, and that's weird.
And stupid of me.
Senkha Fuoco MacGlynn, if there is one thing I cannot -- WILL NOT TOLERATE -- it's you taking the literal whipping for me.
That's what Dad said when I let it slip. And part of me just doesn't understand it, I suppose, but it's what people want from me, so I'll respect it. I just... I don't know how else to deal with things sometimes. And the whip helps with that. It's like cutting myself open so the pain can leak out, and that's a good thing, or at least it feels good. But it's not right. I need to keep remembering that. Even if I deserve it, it's not right.
Besides. I need to not be a hypocrite about it.
See, Dad's dealing with hell at the moment, too. He's discovered that he feels uncomfortable around Stehl lately because being around Stehl makes him feel again. He has to go through agony for it, but the other day, Stehl put his hand on Dad's chest and even though it burned, he could feel the grass and the air and everything. That's what the Light does, and that much concentrated Light... it hurts and burns the undead, but it makes them feel.
And now it makes sense why Oliver spends so much time in the Cathedral and around paladins. I don't think he even realizes that he does it. It just all makes sense now. And Dad was miserable over it because he felt for the first time since dying and then it was gone. Just like that. He was saying that how miserable he was over it was his punishment for being a creature that survives off causing pain and suffering.
Which is not fair. If I'm not allowed to punish myself and sit around moping because I often cause pain and suffering through my own willful stupidity, he's not allowed to sit around moping because he has to cause pain and suffering to survive, especially since he's like Oliver and takes out that need on things that deserve it: the Forsaken and demons.
So I can't sit here and say that I should be allowed to do this when I'm not allowing it of Dad. If nothing else, I need to stop doing this just so that I can tell him not to, because even if I deserve it, he doesn't.
-S.