April 17 -- I never wanted anything from you
Dear Diary,
It's so easy to lose track of the days here, and for that, I'm grateful. I don't have to sit around and wonder if someone is going to come banging down my door tomorrow and demand to take my child or worry that if I turn my back for a moment, I'll have a sword protruding through my chest. There's still a large part of me that wants to fly back to Stormwind at every minute, but my will has to be stronger than that, and if it's not, Oliver's is. And I'll be back someday, I swear it. Just...when I'm well. And I'm getting there.
Oliver's happier and healthier than I've seen him in a very long time...he needs to fight to stay strong, and here, so close to the Dark Portal, there's an overabundance of demons for him to destroy, and then he can come right home when his blade is sated and hold me in his arms (I've ruined several robes with demon blood that way). Granted, he's also growing mold, but things could be far, far worse. Things have been far, far worse. Here, it feels as if they can only really move towards goodness.
We have chickens outside, and once my legs are feeling stronger (more on that in a bit), I fully intend to start a garden over by the coop and stables. Light bless, who'd have ever thought that I, the girl who wanted to leave Andorhal behind and dreaded life as a farmer's wife, would be so happy to pick tomatoes and harvest eggs? The bond with Oliver allows me to actually know what I'm doing when I harvest eggs (though that many chickens in one place makes me...nervous), and all of our neighbors have grown fond of MacGlynn eggs. I guess as many years as he had running a chicken farm have made it impossible for Oliver not to know what he's doing here. He's so happy.
I'm...trying.
I'm getting better. It's not an easy process, I know. I knew when we landed here that I wouldn't be well again overnight. I knew that it'd take time and a lot of relaxation to work through things. Part of me is impatient and thinks I should just miraculously be able to be well and go back to the way things were without any impediment, but most of me knows better. I'm slowly ceasing to feel bad for doing this...I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. If I should feel bad for leaving Stormwind or if I should tell myself that I did the right thing.
I think I did the right thing.
I hope I did the right thing.
I should write letters. Or maybe not. I don't know.
I've been practicing. That's why I thought of writing letters. I thought of writing a letter to Marius to tell him everything I've learned, but with the business with the Delahans and the trial, he probably doesn't want to hear from me at all, especially considering how...how discordant things were between us when I left. It really is my own fault. I've realized how bad the timing of this looks...I know what they must thing. I wish I could help them. I wish there was something I could do
No, none of that. If I start thinking like that again, I'll be on the first gryphon back to Stormwind and wearing myself out again. Now is a time for peace. Peace and learning.
Last night, I surprised even myself. I'd had a theory for quite some time that the wards I've practiced on my mind could be extended outwards and used to protect my body as well, but last night I finally tried it, and it worked! I asked Oliver to cut my arm and, though he broke skin, it wasn't the grievous wound it should've been for the amount of pressure he was putting on the blade. I need to practice it more, but what's better is that I think that I should be able to apply the same principle to protecting others as well--ward their minds and then extend that ward outwards to protect their bodies. It takes so much concentration presently, but then, so did Casting when I first learned that. It only takes practice.
Oliver wondered, too, last night, if I could lift objects with my mind. Admittedly, I'd never tried such a thing before, but I decided to give it a whirl. The first try was a bust, of sorts. I managed to lift myself instead of the knife I was trying to lift--scared the shit out of me and Oliver as well. On the second try, I managed it, but it wore me out entirely. Working with inanimate objects is a completely different thing from working with living people and even animals (and plants, though I've not yet attempted to control a plant because plants don't have minds...though neither do knives, and this is just a weird line of thought). I'm certain there's an easier--or at least, less tiring--way of performing telekinesis, but I've yet to find it.
Either way, I've realized that I've more untapped potential than I thought. It's not just mending, it's a world of things--protecting, lifting...well, I mean. That's two things. But there must be more.
I just wish I could talk to Marius about this. I wish things were simple again, back the way they were when I first started learning under him. When we could steal away an evening and train. That isn't the case any longer. Even if Marius gets away from the trial well, I'm afraid our friendship is too damaged, and it breaks my heart. I miss him. I miss what we had. I just don't know what to do.
In happier news, Dad and I are going to make things legal and official, once my respite/sabbatical/thingy is over. It's strictly symbolic at this point (so I feel like it should be more of a ceremony and less of a signing of papers), but when we figure things out, my maiden name will be Garhelm, not Fuoco. I'll be his daughter legally, officially. I want that so badly. He'll be my father and Alma will be my mother, and that is what I want.
He's visiting down here now, and it's so good to see him and have him here. This morning, he and Oliver went demon hunting and came back all smiles. I'm just glad that they're happy. I hope that, soon, I will be happy as well.
-S.
LOGS
Senkha discovers she's a Jedi: here
Senkha, Oliver, and Nialos talk about silly stuff: here
It's so easy to lose track of the days here, and for that, I'm grateful. I don't have to sit around and wonder if someone is going to come banging down my door tomorrow and demand to take my child or worry that if I turn my back for a moment, I'll have a sword protruding through my chest. There's still a large part of me that wants to fly back to Stormwind at every minute, but my will has to be stronger than that, and if it's not, Oliver's is. And I'll be back someday, I swear it. Just...when I'm well. And I'm getting there.
Oliver's happier and healthier than I've seen him in a very long time...he needs to fight to stay strong, and here, so close to the Dark Portal, there's an overabundance of demons for him to destroy, and then he can come right home when his blade is sated and hold me in his arms (I've ruined several robes with demon blood that way). Granted, he's also growing mold, but things could be far, far worse. Things have been far, far worse. Here, it feels as if they can only really move towards goodness.
We have chickens outside, and once my legs are feeling stronger (more on that in a bit), I fully intend to start a garden over by the coop and stables. Light bless, who'd have ever thought that I, the girl who wanted to leave Andorhal behind and dreaded life as a farmer's wife, would be so happy to pick tomatoes and harvest eggs? The bond with Oliver allows me to actually know what I'm doing when I harvest eggs (though that many chickens in one place makes me...nervous), and all of our neighbors have grown fond of MacGlynn eggs. I guess as many years as he had running a chicken farm have made it impossible for Oliver not to know what he's doing here. He's so happy.
I'm...trying.
I'm getting better. It's not an easy process, I know. I knew when we landed here that I wouldn't be well again overnight. I knew that it'd take time and a lot of relaxation to work through things. Part of me is impatient and thinks I should just miraculously be able to be well and go back to the way things were without any impediment, but most of me knows better. I'm slowly ceasing to feel bad for doing this...I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. If I should feel bad for leaving Stormwind or if I should tell myself that I did the right thing.
I think I did the right thing.
I hope I did the right thing.
I should write letters. Or maybe not. I don't know.
I've been practicing. That's why I thought of writing letters. I thought of writing a letter to Marius to tell him everything I've learned, but with the business with the Delahans and the trial, he probably doesn't want to hear from me at all, especially considering how...how discordant things were between us when I left. It really is my own fault. I've realized how bad the timing of this looks...I know what they must thing. I wish I could help them. I wish there was something I could do
No, none of that. If I start thinking like that again, I'll be on the first gryphon back to Stormwind and wearing myself out again. Now is a time for peace. Peace and learning.
Last night, I surprised even myself. I'd had a theory for quite some time that the wards I've practiced on my mind could be extended outwards and used to protect my body as well, but last night I finally tried it, and it worked! I asked Oliver to cut my arm and, though he broke skin, it wasn't the grievous wound it should've been for the amount of pressure he was putting on the blade. I need to practice it more, but what's better is that I think that I should be able to apply the same principle to protecting others as well--ward their minds and then extend that ward outwards to protect their bodies. It takes so much concentration presently, but then, so did Casting when I first learned that. It only takes practice.
Oliver wondered, too, last night, if I could lift objects with my mind. Admittedly, I'd never tried such a thing before, but I decided to give it a whirl. The first try was a bust, of sorts. I managed to lift myself instead of the knife I was trying to lift--scared the shit out of me and Oliver as well. On the second try, I managed it, but it wore me out entirely. Working with inanimate objects is a completely different thing from working with living people and even animals (and plants, though I've not yet attempted to control a plant because plants don't have minds...though neither do knives, and this is just a weird line of thought). I'm certain there's an easier--or at least, less tiring--way of performing telekinesis, but I've yet to find it.
Either way, I've realized that I've more untapped potential than I thought. It's not just mending, it's a world of things--protecting, lifting...well, I mean. That's two things. But there must be more.
I just wish I could talk to Marius about this. I wish things were simple again, back the way they were when I first started learning under him. When we could steal away an evening and train. That isn't the case any longer. Even if Marius gets away from the trial well, I'm afraid our friendship is too damaged, and it breaks my heart. I miss him. I miss what we had. I just don't know what to do.
In happier news, Dad and I are going to make things legal and official, once my respite/sabbatical/thingy is over. It's strictly symbolic at this point (so I feel like it should be more of a ceremony and less of a signing of papers), but when we figure things out, my maiden name will be Garhelm, not Fuoco. I'll be his daughter legally, officially. I want that so badly. He'll be my father and Alma will be my mother, and that is what I want.
He's visiting down here now, and it's so good to see him and have him here. This morning, he and Oliver went demon hunting and came back all smiles. I'm just glad that they're happy. I hope that, soon, I will be happy as well.
-S.
LOGS
Senkha discovers she's a Jedi: here
Senkha, Oliver, and Nialos talk about silly stuff: here