Journaling - Post 1 - UYL Checklist
Kay. I am trying to unfuck my life and no matter how many times I've done it before, I *totally* mean it this time.
So in order to start Un-Fucking my life, I've made daily checklists to try and get me some structure. I want to be more OCD because at least I'd have some order to my life. Journaling is part of that. I've never been the diary type, I honestly hate thinking about my own life - my headspace is not a happy or steady place to spend a lot of time - so I write fic and read about other people.
Today, I am journaling about Money. Joy. *sarcasm*
I know finances are not the base of happiness, money's the root of all evil for a reason - but damn if I'm not struggling every day.
There are, as always, remedies for this. And there are also, as always, excuses I have for not doing them.
- Smoking. EXPENSIVE. 5$ a pack and I'm up to 2 packs a day. That's 70$ a week. WTF. I have to quit. Fuck my health, I *have* to quit for my budget. I just get so *mean* when I don't smoke. I want to smash things. I have smashed things in the past when trying to quit.
- Student Loans. EXPENSIVE. I know I'm a hypocrite for complaining about it because I went so many years without paying them - but I had it worked out last year, you know? I had a manageable payment of 150$ a month and I was *on* that like butter on toast - but I had to renegotiate (every year apparently) and somehow fucked up on the website and it didn't go through so my payment's been $325 per month. That's like a car payment. I *cannot* pay it, I had to cancel my Netflix and my cable's next. If I don't pay them, they garnish my wages and I won't be able to afford to live. I am struggling and I hate it.
- Food. EXPENSIVE. I'm trying to eat healthy but it's so much more expensive and I end up wasting it. I have a bucket (it's a legit bucket for sandcastles that Mom gave me for Xmas) full of oranges and apples that I have not eaten. The oranges are WRONG but they were on sale and I bought too many. And blackberries and fancy rice crackers and all this shit because I have Gout now at 36 - GOUT - and don't want to take more meds and am trying to just eat low-purine food so I can walk without pain. Do I need to buy a garden? Is there any way for people to eat healthy without spending shit-tons of money? I can't have red meat or seafood or basically anything that's yummy. I am miserable and fat and unhealthy. I just want TACOS. And STEAK. And EVERYTHING FRIED EVER.
- Life. EXPENSIVE. My TV broke. I have a TV that is smaller than my laptop screen with a VCR attached. It's from the 80's. It's hilariously tiny and I have no remote so I have to get up to adjust the volume and it's awful. I know from watching LockUp all the time that even people in jail have bigger TVs than me.
I am a spoiled, lazy fat girl and that's okay. I've been okay with that for 35+ years. But I don't want to be a BROKE spoiled lazy fat girl.
This is my mid-life crisis.
So hi, if you're reading - and since this is supposed to be a journaling experience - this is what I want myself to remember when I read this later.
Reasons you are un-fucking your life:
- There are movies that you want to see before you die. They mostly come out in March. You will have money for movies in MARCH.
- There are books you want to read because you need to know what happens. You will have money for books in APRIL.
- There is so much TV you need to watch. SO MUCH.
Here are things that make you happy that you should remember:
- That song "Georgia" by Vance Joy. You really like that song.
- That Jeff Buckley cover of Bob Dylan's 'Just Like A Woman' is nostalgic and sad and you should listen to it more and find your old Dylan cd set that had that Isis song on it.
- Sometimes you are charming as fuck. That's from that other song you like.
- You are actually getting along with your mom and they are getting old and you are going to be the one responsible for them. Remember this because you owe your parents everything and they deserve to be looked after.
- You do not live with your parents. Thank fuck.
- There will always be sexy men with sexy abs for you to look at.
- You DO NOT HAVE KIDS. Thank fuck.
- You have friends that like you even when you are not drinking. This is important.
- You are not in jail. This is a good thing. Even if you don't have to pay rent and get free cable in jail, you would not have a couch. This is important to remember.
Okay, box checked off my list for Friday for journal time. Good job, me. Yesterday was Ao3, tomorrow is Tumblr and Sunday will be journal time again.
So in order to start Un-Fucking my life, I've made daily checklists to try and get me some structure. I want to be more OCD because at least I'd have some order to my life. Journaling is part of that. I've never been the diary type, I honestly hate thinking about my own life - my headspace is not a happy or steady place to spend a lot of time - so I write fic and read about other people.
Today, I am journaling about Money. Joy. *sarcasm*
I know finances are not the base of happiness, money's the root of all evil for a reason - but damn if I'm not struggling every day.
There are, as always, remedies for this. And there are also, as always, excuses I have for not doing them.
- Smoking. EXPENSIVE. 5$ a pack and I'm up to 2 packs a day. That's 70$ a week. WTF. I have to quit. Fuck my health, I *have* to quit for my budget. I just get so *mean* when I don't smoke. I want to smash things. I have smashed things in the past when trying to quit.
- Student Loans. EXPENSIVE. I know I'm a hypocrite for complaining about it because I went so many years without paying them - but I had it worked out last year, you know? I had a manageable payment of 150$ a month and I was *on* that like butter on toast - but I had to renegotiate (every year apparently) and somehow fucked up on the website and it didn't go through so my payment's been $325 per month. That's like a car payment. I *cannot* pay it, I had to cancel my Netflix and my cable's next. If I don't pay them, they garnish my wages and I won't be able to afford to live. I am struggling and I hate it.
- Food. EXPENSIVE. I'm trying to eat healthy but it's so much more expensive and I end up wasting it. I have a bucket (it's a legit bucket for sandcastles that Mom gave me for Xmas) full of oranges and apples that I have not eaten. The oranges are WRONG but they were on sale and I bought too many. And blackberries and fancy rice crackers and all this shit because I have Gout now at 36 - GOUT - and don't want to take more meds and am trying to just eat low-purine food so I can walk without pain. Do I need to buy a garden? Is there any way for people to eat healthy without spending shit-tons of money? I can't have red meat or seafood or basically anything that's yummy. I am miserable and fat and unhealthy. I just want TACOS. And STEAK. And EVERYTHING FRIED EVER.
- Life. EXPENSIVE. My TV broke. I have a TV that is smaller than my laptop screen with a VCR attached. It's from the 80's. It's hilariously tiny and I have no remote so I have to get up to adjust the volume and it's awful. I know from watching LockUp all the time that even people in jail have bigger TVs than me.
I am a spoiled, lazy fat girl and that's okay. I've been okay with that for 35+ years. But I don't want to be a BROKE spoiled lazy fat girl.
This is my mid-life crisis.
So hi, if you're reading - and since this is supposed to be a journaling experience - this is what I want myself to remember when I read this later.
Reasons you are un-fucking your life:
- There are movies that you want to see before you die. They mostly come out in March. You will have money for movies in MARCH.
- There are books you want to read because you need to know what happens. You will have money for books in APRIL.
- There is so much TV you need to watch. SO MUCH.
Here are things that make you happy that you should remember:
- That song "Georgia" by Vance Joy. You really like that song.
- That Jeff Buckley cover of Bob Dylan's 'Just Like A Woman' is nostalgic and sad and you should listen to it more and find your old Dylan cd set that had that Isis song on it.
- Sometimes you are charming as fuck. That's from that other song you like.
- You are actually getting along with your mom and they are getting old and you are going to be the one responsible for them. Remember this because you owe your parents everything and they deserve to be looked after.
- You do not live with your parents. Thank fuck.
- There will always be sexy men with sexy abs for you to look at.
- You DO NOT HAVE KIDS. Thank fuck.
- You have friends that like you even when you are not drinking. This is important.
- You are not in jail. This is a good thing. Even if you don't have to pay rent and get free cable in jail, you would not have a couch. This is important to remember.
Okay, box checked off my list for Friday for journal time. Good job, me. Yesterday was Ao3, tomorrow is Tumblr and Sunday will be journal time again.