Ramble, blah blah.
I am such a slacker. Every time I tell myself I'm going to start posting regularly again, I zone the fuck out and play the Sims Medieval and watch crime tv instead.
And as I sit at work and fail to write stories between calls, I still don't write anything.
I've finally accepted that I'm completely disconnected from life. I don't go out of my house, I have to psych myself up to go out for smokes and every morning is a struggle. I take my meds, I don't cry at the drop of a hat anymore, and I still write - but there's nothing.
I was talking to my bff about Nano last night, one of the chicks at her new job is doing it. My bff flat out told me what has been haunting me for years. I can't write anything of sustenance because I'm not having experiences anymore. I watch TV, but I don't have conversations with people, I don't have a life outside of my house. I don't even have an internet life anymore. I read fic and leave kudos, I don't take the time to comment. I'm barely existing so how am I going to be able to write about anything?
BUT I am still working on Nano. I have one original fic that's a very crappy romance (because I've never been in love) and a few Avengers things working (1 het, 1 slash, 1 gen) and I'm definitely going to finish at least one of them. Even if they're crap, they're something. Writing's been my hobby since I high school, probably before, when I used to scribble stories down the margins of my notes to pretend like I was paying attention. I've never been good at it and I haven't been *working* on improving but I should enjoy what I do.
I can't expect my writing to get better when 1) I listen to all my books now instead of reading them and 2) I don't have anything to write about.
I need to figure out how to actually care about things again. My house is a mess, my life is a mess and I have absolutely no goals in my life.
SO. On to other things.
1) Marvel, please give my soul back and let me think about something other than sexy superheroes and un-reality.
2) OMG you guys. Gotham is awful. I know it's my opinion because my BFF loves it, but I barely made it through episode one. What does it say about me that I can't support Ben McK in a superhero-esque show? I was obsessed with the OC for so long and now I'm obsessed with superheroes so it should be perfect, right?
3) On the other hand, I LOVE the Flash. It's campy and fun and ridiculous and doesn't take itself too seriously and I want to watch it all the time.
4) Someone voted in my weirdly formatted (what is up, LJ with the polls?) poll in my last post that they liked Outlander. OUTLANDER is totes the best. overnighter turned me on to it and my bff and I are totally stunned that we can lust after legitimate gingers. My bff was totally uninterested during the first half of the first one but she ended up staying at my place until after 2am so we could watch 4 eps in a row after that. BUT - we are saving the finale because what even is April? I am hoarding it and planning on streaming it over the holidays as our reward for making it another year.
5) I hung out with my Mom on Monday and it wasn't awful. She is obsessed with quilting now so we ended up at the fabric store and wtf that stuff is expensive. She wants some $70-ish cutting pad or something, she showed it to me so I have to try and save up and then remember which one it is. But I'm getting a quilt for xmas so yay!
6) My friend, once my really good friend who is now just a friend I text once a month for proof of life, sent me this really sad text this week asking me to come see him. He says his mom thinks I am mad at her. Okay, so I did yell at his mom the last time I talked to her when he was detoxing at my apartment and she refused to come out and convince him to go to rehab. I am not mad at his mom, I get it, and now that we've all realized it was a fucking boyfriend spat that caused all that, I'm definitely not mad at her. He wanted attention and he got it. He's a fucking alcoholic but he's not a junkie. ANYWAY, my issue is - how am I supposed to explain to him that I don't come see him because I don't like hanging out with him when he drinks and he always drinks? I'm a hypocrite, that's what he'll think because I didn't turn into this much of a weirdo until after I quit. Anyway, I replied back with a smiley face, told him he should move closer to my apartment and left it there.
7) I am very sad that ONTD has changed so much recently. There was some kind of lawsuit where they got in trouble for stealing news stories or whatever so now all they can do is 'rewrite' articles and only link to twitter or something. All I know is that where I used to get all my celebrity gossip by clicking on the source, now takes me to a twitter with no link to the story. I mean, I already had to adblock the site because of all the pornographic icons but it was worth it to be able to see a good gossip story and then click the link to read the actual story and IT. I think I'm just sad about LJ fading away. TUMBLR IS SO HARD YOU GUYS. I *hate* having to go there and scroll through the vitriolic comments just to find a link to a legit story. I know it's just celebrity gossip, but it's been a big part of my daily websurfing for years and it's fucking sad.
8) More later. I'm going to try and get in the habit of spamming again. Even if this turns into an actual journal/diary just for me, I think I need to use it. I need to reconnect to *something*.
And as I sit at work and fail to write stories between calls, I still don't write anything.
I've finally accepted that I'm completely disconnected from life. I don't go out of my house, I have to psych myself up to go out for smokes and every morning is a struggle. I take my meds, I don't cry at the drop of a hat anymore, and I still write - but there's nothing.
I was talking to my bff about Nano last night, one of the chicks at her new job is doing it. My bff flat out told me what has been haunting me for years. I can't write anything of sustenance because I'm not having experiences anymore. I watch TV, but I don't have conversations with people, I don't have a life outside of my house. I don't even have an internet life anymore. I read fic and leave kudos, I don't take the time to comment. I'm barely existing so how am I going to be able to write about anything?
BUT I am still working on Nano. I have one original fic that's a very crappy romance (because I've never been in love) and a few Avengers things working (1 het, 1 slash, 1 gen) and I'm definitely going to finish at least one of them. Even if they're crap, they're something. Writing's been my hobby since I high school, probably before, when I used to scribble stories down the margins of my notes to pretend like I was paying attention. I've never been good at it and I haven't been *working* on improving but I should enjoy what I do.
I can't expect my writing to get better when 1) I listen to all my books now instead of reading them and 2) I don't have anything to write about.
I need to figure out how to actually care about things again. My house is a mess, my life is a mess and I have absolutely no goals in my life.
SO. On to other things.
1) Marvel, please give my soul back and let me think about something other than sexy superheroes and un-reality.
2) OMG you guys. Gotham is awful. I know it's my opinion because my BFF loves it, but I barely made it through episode one. What does it say about me that I can't support Ben McK in a superhero-esque show? I was obsessed with the OC for so long and now I'm obsessed with superheroes so it should be perfect, right?
3) On the other hand, I LOVE the Flash. It's campy and fun and ridiculous and doesn't take itself too seriously and I want to watch it all the time.
4) Someone voted in my weirdly formatted (what is up, LJ with the polls?) poll in my last post that they liked Outlander. OUTLANDER is totes the best. overnighter turned me on to it and my bff and I are totally stunned that we can lust after legitimate gingers. My bff was totally uninterested during the first half of the first one but she ended up staying at my place until after 2am so we could watch 4 eps in a row after that. BUT - we are saving the finale because what even is April? I am hoarding it and planning on streaming it over the holidays as our reward for making it another year.
5) I hung out with my Mom on Monday and it wasn't awful. She is obsessed with quilting now so we ended up at the fabric store and wtf that stuff is expensive. She wants some $70-ish cutting pad or something, she showed it to me so I have to try and save up and then remember which one it is. But I'm getting a quilt for xmas so yay!
6) My friend, once my really good friend who is now just a friend I text once a month for proof of life, sent me this really sad text this week asking me to come see him. He says his mom thinks I am mad at her. Okay, so I did yell at his mom the last time I talked to her when he was detoxing at my apartment and she refused to come out and convince him to go to rehab. I am not mad at his mom, I get it, and now that we've all realized it was a fucking boyfriend spat that caused all that, I'm definitely not mad at her. He wanted attention and he got it. He's a fucking alcoholic but he's not a junkie. ANYWAY, my issue is - how am I supposed to explain to him that I don't come see him because I don't like hanging out with him when he drinks and he always drinks? I'm a hypocrite, that's what he'll think because I didn't turn into this much of a weirdo until after I quit. Anyway, I replied back with a smiley face, told him he should move closer to my apartment and left it there.
7) I am very sad that ONTD has changed so much recently. There was some kind of lawsuit where they got in trouble for stealing news stories or whatever so now all they can do is 'rewrite' articles and only link to twitter or something. All I know is that where I used to get all my celebrity gossip by clicking on the source, now takes me to a twitter with no link to the story. I mean, I already had to adblock the site because of all the pornographic icons but it was worth it to be able to see a good gossip story and then click the link to read the actual story and IT. I think I'm just sad about LJ fading away. TUMBLR IS SO HARD YOU GUYS. I *hate* having to go there and scroll through the vitriolic comments just to find a link to a legit story. I know it's just celebrity gossip, but it's been a big part of my daily websurfing for years and it's fucking sad.
8) More later. I'm going to try and get in the habit of spamming again. Even if this turns into an actual journal/diary just for me, I think I need to use it. I need to reconnect to *something*.