I need a break
I think that I need a break from EVERYTHIHG! I just need to get away for a while. I have been in a really bad mood and I don't even know the whole reason. Yeah I know little things that are just irritating me, but I don't know why I have been so irritable to begin with. There isn't one thing that is just pissing me off to NO end. I think I just need a new surrounding for a little while. I could go home for a weekend, but when I am home I want to be back here. I think I need to just take a little weekend trip somewhere by myself or with somebody that I have not been around in a while. Nothing against the people I am with all the time, but I need to get away from everything and if I am with the people I am with all the time it isn't really getting away. I haven't been able to just get away and relax for a while. When I go home on the weekends I have so many people I have to go see and so many things I have to do that I don't get to relax and just be away. When I go home I also have to be around Dustin which brings up whole other issues. I really do miss him and going home just makes me deal with things I don't want to think about at this point. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I have done things that I thought I would never do, I am not acting like myself at all in so many aspects of my life, and in all honestly I am just a completely different person than I thought I was or than I want to be. If I don't want to be who I am then why can't I just change it. I think a part of me does want to be who I am, but then I lay in my bed at night and just think WHO AM I ... I regret so many things that I do, yet I don't change them. The other night I was standing outside the suite with some of my sisters and I was telling them that the reason soooo much drama last for sooooo long is because people bitch about shit with a few sisters, but then do nothing about it. This causes one problem to last for a year because they are bitching about the same thing a year later because they won't say anything except in secret and they don't do anything to change or fix the problem. I talk about this and how stupid it is, yet I have been doing the same thing in my life for a while now. It is really hard when there are things about yourself that you love, but you hate too. God, I am sooooooooo confused. Why can't I just control myself more? I mean really ... why can't I control my feelings? Why don't I have more control over myself? You probably think that is a stupid question because people obviously have control over themselves, but I really don't feel like I do. I feel like I have lost complete control of my life. Oh well ... life will go on. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger... right? I need to go to bed because I just cleaned the apartment at 2:30 am and I have to get up early cause I have way too much shit to do, plus I have to be rested because Chris is coming to visit tomorrow!! YEA!!!!!!!!! I can not wait to see her. I need some Chris in my life :)