You And A Promise.
I don't make a lot of sense and sometimes I feel crazy.
I feel like I'm on a completely different plane of existence most of the time. Like I'm not attached to real life. I don't speak to other people often and I think it weirds them out.
I've started to not care about my few music classes I'm taking. It was fun for a couple minutes, but, now I'm just over it. I don't need it and I'm back to being bored with my life again. I haven't found that particular spark in anything that makes me want to life that for my life, if that makes sense. Purpose? I lack it. Drive? I definitely lack that. It's something I've never had, either. I've never wanted to do anything with my life, save for being a famous singer. I'm not a go-getter. You would think, that from my constant restless-ness that I would be, but, that's not the case. My laziness trumps it every time. But what if it's not laziness? What if it's still me being too depressed to do anything?
I'm too much of a thinker that I don't understand how people function. It makes no sense to me when people say "just do it" or "go with what you feel" kinds of things. How do you do that? What is the exact thought process that goes through your head when you strike up a conversation with someone? I don't understand how people are supposed to work, so, I can't function properly... or at least up to societal standards, you know? From an educational standpoint, I don't understand. It's like you're speaking a completely different language to me. Even with friends sometimes, I have no idea how to speak to them. I don't know what kinds of questions to ask to keep a conversation going, much less ones that are even appropriate to ask. I am basically mute with things rolling around inside my brain constantly that I can never say. Or just choose not to. It's too awkward for me to call someone just to tell them how shitty my day was. Who even wants to hear that? How do you break into that conversation to begin with? When I'm silent, it's not because someone is boring me or I don't care. It's quite the opposite. Please, keep talking. Maybe I'll scrounge up the courage to reply back.
I have no concept of what it must be like to be completely optimistic of a situation, with no regard for how it'll actually turn out. I can always think things will be okay, but, I'm still dwelling on the probability that it won't.
Take the whole "bar" scene on a Friday night in Rochester. I have no idea how to act in that setting. At all. All I see are swarms of mindless drones - I don't see real people. I have no idea how to stop judging them, basically, and just talk to someone. I must be missing that link in my DNA because I'm completely baffled by the entire idea of it. I see through everyone's attempts at finding a potential one-night stand or future love.
I just don't understand human behaviour at all. Conversation is an art I've long lost the tools for. Therefore, I'll just slip silently back, further away from society because I'm losing touch with it more and more. Or I'll just keep going to shows, by myself, in an effort to put myself out there, but, then I won't talk to anyone new either. My whole life has been one weird phase.
I feel like I'm on a completely different plane of existence most of the time. Like I'm not attached to real life. I don't speak to other people often and I think it weirds them out.
I've started to not care about my few music classes I'm taking. It was fun for a couple minutes, but, now I'm just over it. I don't need it and I'm back to being bored with my life again. I haven't found that particular spark in anything that makes me want to life that for my life, if that makes sense. Purpose? I lack it. Drive? I definitely lack that. It's something I've never had, either. I've never wanted to do anything with my life, save for being a famous singer. I'm not a go-getter. You would think, that from my constant restless-ness that I would be, but, that's not the case. My laziness trumps it every time. But what if it's not laziness? What if it's still me being too depressed to do anything?
I'm too much of a thinker that I don't understand how people function. It makes no sense to me when people say "just do it" or "go with what you feel" kinds of things. How do you do that? What is the exact thought process that goes through your head when you strike up a conversation with someone? I don't understand how people are supposed to work, so, I can't function properly... or at least up to societal standards, you know? From an educational standpoint, I don't understand. It's like you're speaking a completely different language to me. Even with friends sometimes, I have no idea how to speak to them. I don't know what kinds of questions to ask to keep a conversation going, much less ones that are even appropriate to ask. I am basically mute with things rolling around inside my brain constantly that I can never say. Or just choose not to. It's too awkward for me to call someone just to tell them how shitty my day was. Who even wants to hear that? How do you break into that conversation to begin with? When I'm silent, it's not because someone is boring me or I don't care. It's quite the opposite. Please, keep talking. Maybe I'll scrounge up the courage to reply back.
I have no concept of what it must be like to be completely optimistic of a situation, with no regard for how it'll actually turn out. I can always think things will be okay, but, I'm still dwelling on the probability that it won't.
Take the whole "bar" scene on a Friday night in Rochester. I have no idea how to act in that setting. At all. All I see are swarms of mindless drones - I don't see real people. I have no idea how to stop judging them, basically, and just talk to someone. I must be missing that link in my DNA because I'm completely baffled by the entire idea of it. I see through everyone's attempts at finding a potential one-night stand or future love.
I just don't understand human behaviour at all. Conversation is an art I've long lost the tools for. Therefore, I'll just slip silently back, further away from society because I'm losing touch with it more and more. Or I'll just keep going to shows, by myself, in an effort to put myself out there, but, then I won't talk to anyone new either. My whole life has been one weird phase.