Stocked-up emotional commodity.brandon2431May 10 2009, 02:49:27 UTC
Reading that again, the word that came to me over and over was *attention*. Like, maybe it's attention, that I've been storing up for myself. I think that's true in a way, more so lately than it's ever been since I got married. I think before, when I went so far as to store survival supplies in the closet, I still had most of my attention on the family. (Which, in a weird way, meant I never had enough attention to pay to any of the kids as an individual, because I was always worried and depressed...) Maybe attention isn't exactly the word. Priority...? Maybe there isn't an accurate word, in the English language. Because I know that for years I never gave the kids enough attention. I gave Rusty too much dependence, and I got a lot of attention from myself but none from my relationship. It was just all really fucked up, pardon language, and the kids ate it worse than anybody. Nowdays, I actually spend less time on introspection, more time on putting my own immediate needs first (which is much more doable now that the kids are grown) - and I feel like I could give the younger two kids more of my attention now. (Russell, is easy to give attention to, and always was. Ross, got a lot of tending and caregiving....but not so much attention as an individual. As in getting to know who he is, interacting with *him*, not my ideal of him. Rachel, just totally ate it on all counts, as the only girl....I had such a picture of what I'd wished I could be as a child, that I hardly ever made the difference that this is her, not me. Also, she looks like me....so yeah, the poor kid, she really ate it for a lot of years on that level. And poor me, too, because now I have this daughter that I love but hardly know, and she hardly lets me know her because she knows better than to get too close to me.)
Nuts.
Anyway, whatever this emotional quality is that I've been stocking up, in my dream last night I had enough to share it with my kids for the first time. (Selfhood, maybe ? Individuality-attention ? F*********k, I don't know. Whatever it is, I've got more of it stored away than I used to.)
Re: Stocked-up emotional commodity.brandon2431May 10 2009, 02:57:31 UTC
Personal power. Person-power. That's it. We heard that term in a movie once - "Summer of my German Soldier", is the title that comes to us now.
Anyway. Maybe now we have enough person-power, that others (including close loved ones) won't be able to easily drain it away. Maybe I won't drain theirs, because I'm starting to have my own. That's a nice thought.)
Or maybe I had that dream because I ate an anchovy, or something. Maybe a cigar is really just a cigar....
Like, maybe it's attention, that I've been storing up for myself. I think that's true in a way, more so lately than it's ever been since I got married.
I think before, when I went so far as to store survival supplies in the closet, I still had most of my attention on the family. (Which, in a weird way, meant I never had enough attention to pay to any of the kids as an individual, because I was always worried and depressed...)
Maybe attention isn't exactly the word. Priority...?
Maybe there isn't an accurate word, in the English language. Because I know that for years I never gave the kids enough attention. I gave Rusty too much dependence, and I got a lot of attention from myself but none from my relationship. It was just all really fucked up, pardon language, and the kids ate it worse than anybody.
Nowdays, I actually spend less time on introspection, more time on putting my own immediate needs first (which is much more doable now that the kids are grown) - and I feel like I could give the younger two kids more of my attention now. (Russell, is easy to give attention to, and always was. Ross, got a lot of tending and caregiving....but not so much attention as an individual. As in getting to know who he is, interacting with *him*, not my ideal of him. Rachel, just totally ate it on all counts, as the only girl....I had such a picture of what I'd wished I could be as a child, that I hardly ever made the difference that this is her, not me. Also, she looks like me....so yeah, the poor kid, she really ate it for a lot of years on that level. And poor me, too, because now I have this daughter that I love but hardly know, and she hardly lets me know her because she knows better than to get too close to me.)
Nuts.
Anyway, whatever this emotional quality is that I've been stocking up, in my dream last night I had enough to share it with my kids for the first time. (Selfhood, maybe ? Individuality-attention ?
F*********k, I don't know. Whatever it is, I've got more of it stored away than I used to.)
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Anyway. Maybe now we have enough person-power, that others (including close loved ones) won't be able to easily drain it away. Maybe I won't drain theirs, because I'm starting to have my own. That's a nice thought.)
Or maybe I had that dream because I ate an anchovy, or something. Maybe a cigar is really just a cigar....
Reply
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