Really discouraged now.
We are so totally not fitting in with others, the way we thought we would if we were only out among more people. Moving to this apartment complex, has made that painfully obvious. So has going back to school. When we were physically in our twenties and still didn't remember a lot of our past, it seemed we had some social skills. We were still a misfit, but on a much smaller scale.
Now, it's like, after all that therapy.....we're back to being the misfit kid we once were, only older. We really wish we hadn't done the therapy, but it's a little late in the day to worry about it now.
And now it turns out we're blanking out things, more than just words. (We often lose words when we speak - it's embarrassing. We didn't used to do that. It's a weird feeling, to know you know a familiar word or someone's name, but you just can't find it in your brain at the moment.)
Now we're thinking, if we're to keep from being totally isolated and miserable, we will need to offer up some semblance of an explanation to people. We don't want to say, "I have a mental illness." That elicits fear or pity - we don't want either one. (Goddammit, we just want a normal life.....but, another thing it's a little late for is self-pity. Not to mention that would only make things worse. It's time to marshal our resources, not fall apart.
(Can tell Forest is close by - I'm using some of the terms he uses.)
This midlife crisis thing, for a multiple, is a real pickle. We all have our different feelings about it - lost hopes and dreams, etc.
Our marriage to Rusty being what it is right now, is a fine example of awful timing. (Before we became disabled, sounds better.....but, that's all in the past, and now it's today.)
So we have to realize, and deal with, the fact that we obviously still have blackouts. (As Skeet2431, we have a beautiful icon of a tree. As Brandon 2431, we haven't been able to figure out how to use icons on LJ. Looking at that old journal, was such a shock.)
Anyway. The age thing. Forest is the least affected by it, because to him 48 is actually young. But to others of us, it's difficult. Brandon in particular - he's afraid no one outside ourselves will ever love him or like him, because they won't ever be able to see him.
This is a lot to deal with tonight, so I'm not going to deal with it tonight, I'm going to wait.
Now, it's like, after all that therapy.....we're back to being the misfit kid we once were, only older. We really wish we hadn't done the therapy, but it's a little late in the day to worry about it now.
And now it turns out we're blanking out things, more than just words. (We often lose words when we speak - it's embarrassing. We didn't used to do that. It's a weird feeling, to know you know a familiar word or someone's name, but you just can't find it in your brain at the moment.)
Now we're thinking, if we're to keep from being totally isolated and miserable, we will need to offer up some semblance of an explanation to people. We don't want to say, "I have a mental illness." That elicits fear or pity - we don't want either one. (Goddammit, we just want a normal life.....but, another thing it's a little late for is self-pity. Not to mention that would only make things worse. It's time to marshal our resources, not fall apart.
(Can tell Forest is close by - I'm using some of the terms he uses.)
This midlife crisis thing, for a multiple, is a real pickle. We all have our different feelings about it - lost hopes and dreams, etc.
Our marriage to Rusty being what it is right now, is a fine example of awful timing. (Before we became disabled, sounds better.....but, that's all in the past, and now it's today.)
So we have to realize, and deal with, the fact that we obviously still have blackouts. (As Skeet2431, we have a beautiful icon of a tree. As Brandon 2431, we haven't been able to figure out how to use icons on LJ. Looking at that old journal, was such a shock.)
Anyway. The age thing. Forest is the least affected by it, because to him 48 is actually young. But to others of us, it's difficult. Brandon in particular - he's afraid no one outside ourselves will ever love him or like him, because they won't ever be able to see him.
This is a lot to deal with tonight, so I'm not going to deal with it tonight, I'm going to wait.