(no subject)
I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I don't know how much of this I can take anymore. I've spent the past 7 years of my life conditioning myself to be some person that I don't think could ever exsist. I can never be invincible. I can never be a machine. I can never be heartless. But I try so hard thinking that its the only answer, and the only thing I end up actually doing is becoming less of what I actually am. I'm depressed, I'm distrought, I'm weary... yet I put on my 'happy' mask tonight to take my mind elsewhere. No matter how good I thought I was at getting my way, I was really never good at all. I thought of it as though I were engineering my life. But what I was really trying to do was manipulate people. Its hard for me to give up control because its so hard for me to trust anyone. Its a natural reaction to try to guard the things that are most important to you. Heart? Love? Sanity? You don't really appreciate sanity until its left you. Its easier to just hit up the liquor store and look for answers at the bottom of a bottle. But I chose Aquafina tonight. Why? I really don't know. Maybe because I've been down that road before and it always leads you right back to where you started.
I need to do something... but I don't know what it is. I don't know where to start. I only have an idea as to where it ends.
I need to do something... but I don't know what it is. I don't know where to start. I only have an idea as to where it ends.