(no subject)
I think that I must've really loved you, because even having seen your true colors-- even when you have shocked me, I can still manage to miss you sometimes.
I get a little frustrated with myself, because something like that letter could make me think of you--and miss you, even though it represented how negative you are/were for me. It's strange, because seeing you act like I don't matter makes me feel vulnerable, sad, alone. But feeling vulnerable, sad, and alone is when I miss you the most. Even when you sucked, the fact you held me, that I could rest my head against your warm chest and feel safe--is something that was always there. It's something I miss desperately, that feeling. That feeling that I was loved and cared for, that I had somewhere to go, run and hide when there was no one else I wanted to talk to. It's hard to stop having that, especially when it was one of the only parts of your relationship that were reliable for a long time. I feel like I'll never have it.
It feels hard to imagine starting over. Not because I don't think someone will love me, or that I could be happier or fall in love again... but I just was so set on you. I really loved you with all of me, and it's hard to imagine starting over with someone you do not have that deep connection with-- having to form it all over. It's just hard to imagine. It makes me scared, like that I will do it wrong. Like I should have learned everything from now and this is my last chance to make good unless I want to be an old haggard mom/bride. Uh...
It doesn't make a ton of sense, but it makes me feel better to write it I guess. I feel really alone right now :-/
I just wish it would go away. I just want to live my life. I'm enjoying doing that, I really am. I am looking forward to getting to know Amy better, to giving her what she needs, exploring me a little bit more. But I just wish the sadness that comes from being alone (that weird foreign feeling like you never were alone before) would leave me to my fun and just fuck off.
I dont know?
I have been a little useless at work... havent babysat, haven't cleaned, haven't gone to the gym. Haven't even played my games. I'm just like... vacant and I can't quite get ahold of it.
I feel like I need a vacation... rest revamp reload...
I get a little frustrated with myself, because something like that letter could make me think of you--and miss you, even though it represented how negative you are/were for me. It's strange, because seeing you act like I don't matter makes me feel vulnerable, sad, alone. But feeling vulnerable, sad, and alone is when I miss you the most. Even when you sucked, the fact you held me, that I could rest my head against your warm chest and feel safe--is something that was always there. It's something I miss desperately, that feeling. That feeling that I was loved and cared for, that I had somewhere to go, run and hide when there was no one else I wanted to talk to. It's hard to stop having that, especially when it was one of the only parts of your relationship that were reliable for a long time. I feel like I'll never have it.
It feels hard to imagine starting over. Not because I don't think someone will love me, or that I could be happier or fall in love again... but I just was so set on you. I really loved you with all of me, and it's hard to imagine starting over with someone you do not have that deep connection with-- having to form it all over. It's just hard to imagine. It makes me scared, like that I will do it wrong. Like I should have learned everything from now and this is my last chance to make good unless I want to be an old haggard mom/bride. Uh...
It doesn't make a ton of sense, but it makes me feel better to write it I guess. I feel really alone right now :-/
I just wish it would go away. I just want to live my life. I'm enjoying doing that, I really am. I am looking forward to getting to know Amy better, to giving her what she needs, exploring me a little bit more. But I just wish the sadness that comes from being alone (that weird foreign feeling like you never were alone before) would leave me to my fun and just fuck off.
I dont know?
I have been a little useless at work... havent babysat, haven't cleaned, haven't gone to the gym. Haven't even played my games. I'm just like... vacant and I can't quite get ahold of it.
I feel like I need a vacation... rest revamp reload...