Help?
Haven't been here in a while, and sorry to those of you who maybe could've used MY advice in the mean-time. Here I am, again, not really sure who to ask, or what to do... hoping I'll get some opinions.
I took a semester off from school as a last resort. I noticed that things from my past (particularly, some sexual abuse I suffered as a child) was continuing to catch up with me. I couldn't enjoy my success, for the thought that I am inadequate. I tend to think things are my fault when they aren't. When I'm upset, I doubt I have a right to be... and so-forth. I love school, I love the things I'm doing an accomplishing, but I had to stop and fix this so I could enjoy it the way I should. So I could focus on school, being a young adult, and having fun.
I came home to a fairly unstable environment. My brother (whom most of you know about) is not the most stable individual. He's 17 and dropped out of school last year, has been on and off probation, arrested a few times, and lucky to have only served any time once or twice. I feel like my family enables him. They tell him he'll suffer consequences, and never hold him to them. If he quits school, he'll be on his own. Yet he still lives with my parents, has never had a job (my parents give him money and pay for his cell phone) and doesn't have his liscence. He doesn't try to make things better for himself.
He's sort of dangerous. When he gets angry (over things like, say, not getting a ride somewhere) He's smashed up or walls, or threatened to hit me or my mother-- or if we aggravate him over something. You can't fight with my brother, because you're always wrong, and you're just going to be threatened to be hit.
I live with my grandma now, because she lives in the area I was trying to stay in (my parents move) I contribute a little money, and manage well for myself. My brother continually comes up to where I live (40 minutes from where he lives now) and stays in the town when he has no where to stay, calling me repeatedly at home or work until I answer-- begging me to give him a ride.. and if I don't, there's hell to pay. I got tired of the fact that since I'm home, I'm acting as my brother's personal transportation-- whether it be on my way or not, it's the principal of the thing. He needs to own up to the fact he doesn't live here anymore, and needs to learn to take care of himself. Honestly, I don't want to do anything for him anymore. He doesn't appreciate it, and if you ever needed something from him-- it's extremely doubtful he'd be there. He's taken advantage of me, taken me for granted... for too long. I'm home to focus on me and get better, not to be a pawn in enabling my brother to become this irresponsible, frightening person he is.
He's told me on many occassions when I've given him a ride that he wouldn't ask me again. I tell him it's unfair, and he agrees, it's not right to put me in a position where i HAVE to come and get him or do things for him. But then he keeps asking...
One night I was at work, I had been dead tired and just didn't want much to do with anyone. My boyfriend's grandfather just died (and mine did a month before... so going to services was sort of surreal) and I had worked all day, gone to a wake, gotten a little sleep, gone to a funeral, and straight to work-- and all I wanted to do was go home and not be bothered, and sleep. My brother call me repeatedly at least 7 times, and I'm not allowed to have my phone out at work.
Finally, I'm pissed because his whole life he does this and people give into him. The kid cannot handle the word "no" or people not being at his disposal. So I answer, annoyed that he won't just leave me a voicemail and let me call him later, and I say "Stop calling me I'm at work" and he screams WAITWAITWAIT PICK ME UP and I said... I can't. I hang up. Pissed, because he can't even respect that I said I was at work
So he calls me back to tell me how I complain about everyone but really I'm the most fucked up person of all, and I probably just dont want to get him because of my boyfriend and all this shit.
So I ignore him. Later he calls again (after my dad calls to guilt trip me, and then hangs up on me when I say I don't think it's fair to constantly have this thrown at me as a favor to my parents, I don't want to do things for my brother. I'm tired of overextended myself for someone who could give two shits about anyone else) and leaves a message telling me I'm worthless, nothing, and dead to him. Not to even tell anyone I have a brother because I don't... that he wants nothing to do with me ever. I'm the fucking grimmiest person he's ever met... etc.
My brother is scary. He's threatened to hit me a lot, has stolen from me (I suspect) and certain from others... so I was afraid. I threatened a restraining order to keep him out of my grandma's house (where I live) because I don't feel I should have to be scared of him being there randomly, or when I'm not there... taking my stuff. Some time has passed and I'm not as physically afraid anymore... but now I'm asking my parents to stop putting me in this position with this potentially dangerous person... but all they do is sort of guilt trip me or act like I'm ridiculous (though he's destroyed a lot of my mother's possessions and threatened to hit her several times)... I would think my parents wouldn't force me into a situation where I'd be stuck with him when he got angry or ask me to do things for a person who I've so clearly tried to cut my supportive ties with. I'm willing to be there for my brother, but all he wants from me is what I can give him in the line of rides or money, and I don't feel I should have to do this anymore.
Now my grandma is telling me I should forgive him because it's not right to not let him in her house (though she's told me she doesnt want him here because SHE is afraid of him) That he has mental problems and I can't just throw him out to the wolves. I'm home because I'm depressed, where is my support? Where are the people trying to protect me from potentially harmful situations? Is it so wrong to be willing to cut my ties after at least 10 years of his abusive shit? Why should he be able to say those things to me then be allowed to come to where I live when he feels like it. Would that not just be basically giving him the impression it's okay to treat me like that? Why should I be a prisoner in my own home?
I'm so confused, because I feel like I'm right about this. I feel like my family should be protecting me, because I am their child or loved one as well. If they want to deal with his abusive shit, that's fine. Then at the same time my family makes me feel so guilty or wrong.
I don't know what to do.
Please someone give me your opinion.
I took a semester off from school as a last resort. I noticed that things from my past (particularly, some sexual abuse I suffered as a child) was continuing to catch up with me. I couldn't enjoy my success, for the thought that I am inadequate. I tend to think things are my fault when they aren't. When I'm upset, I doubt I have a right to be... and so-forth. I love school, I love the things I'm doing an accomplishing, but I had to stop and fix this so I could enjoy it the way I should. So I could focus on school, being a young adult, and having fun.
I came home to a fairly unstable environment. My brother (whom most of you know about) is not the most stable individual. He's 17 and dropped out of school last year, has been on and off probation, arrested a few times, and lucky to have only served any time once or twice. I feel like my family enables him. They tell him he'll suffer consequences, and never hold him to them. If he quits school, he'll be on his own. Yet he still lives with my parents, has never had a job (my parents give him money and pay for his cell phone) and doesn't have his liscence. He doesn't try to make things better for himself.
He's sort of dangerous. When he gets angry (over things like, say, not getting a ride somewhere) He's smashed up or walls, or threatened to hit me or my mother-- or if we aggravate him over something. You can't fight with my brother, because you're always wrong, and you're just going to be threatened to be hit.
I live with my grandma now, because she lives in the area I was trying to stay in (my parents move) I contribute a little money, and manage well for myself. My brother continually comes up to where I live (40 minutes from where he lives now) and stays in the town when he has no where to stay, calling me repeatedly at home or work until I answer-- begging me to give him a ride.. and if I don't, there's hell to pay. I got tired of the fact that since I'm home, I'm acting as my brother's personal transportation-- whether it be on my way or not, it's the principal of the thing. He needs to own up to the fact he doesn't live here anymore, and needs to learn to take care of himself. Honestly, I don't want to do anything for him anymore. He doesn't appreciate it, and if you ever needed something from him-- it's extremely doubtful he'd be there. He's taken advantage of me, taken me for granted... for too long. I'm home to focus on me and get better, not to be a pawn in enabling my brother to become this irresponsible, frightening person he is.
He's told me on many occassions when I've given him a ride that he wouldn't ask me again. I tell him it's unfair, and he agrees, it's not right to put me in a position where i HAVE to come and get him or do things for him. But then he keeps asking...
One night I was at work, I had been dead tired and just didn't want much to do with anyone. My boyfriend's grandfather just died (and mine did a month before... so going to services was sort of surreal) and I had worked all day, gone to a wake, gotten a little sleep, gone to a funeral, and straight to work-- and all I wanted to do was go home and not be bothered, and sleep. My brother call me repeatedly at least 7 times, and I'm not allowed to have my phone out at work.
Finally, I'm pissed because his whole life he does this and people give into him. The kid cannot handle the word "no" or people not being at his disposal. So I answer, annoyed that he won't just leave me a voicemail and let me call him later, and I say "Stop calling me I'm at work" and he screams WAITWAITWAIT PICK ME UP and I said... I can't. I hang up. Pissed, because he can't even respect that I said I was at work
So he calls me back to tell me how I complain about everyone but really I'm the most fucked up person of all, and I probably just dont want to get him because of my boyfriend and all this shit.
So I ignore him. Later he calls again (after my dad calls to guilt trip me, and then hangs up on me when I say I don't think it's fair to constantly have this thrown at me as a favor to my parents, I don't want to do things for my brother. I'm tired of overextended myself for someone who could give two shits about anyone else) and leaves a message telling me I'm worthless, nothing, and dead to him. Not to even tell anyone I have a brother because I don't... that he wants nothing to do with me ever. I'm the fucking grimmiest person he's ever met... etc.
My brother is scary. He's threatened to hit me a lot, has stolen from me (I suspect) and certain from others... so I was afraid. I threatened a restraining order to keep him out of my grandma's house (where I live) because I don't feel I should have to be scared of him being there randomly, or when I'm not there... taking my stuff. Some time has passed and I'm not as physically afraid anymore... but now I'm asking my parents to stop putting me in this position with this potentially dangerous person... but all they do is sort of guilt trip me or act like I'm ridiculous (though he's destroyed a lot of my mother's possessions and threatened to hit her several times)... I would think my parents wouldn't force me into a situation where I'd be stuck with him when he got angry or ask me to do things for a person who I've so clearly tried to cut my supportive ties with. I'm willing to be there for my brother, but all he wants from me is what I can give him in the line of rides or money, and I don't feel I should have to do this anymore.
Now my grandma is telling me I should forgive him because it's not right to not let him in her house (though she's told me she doesnt want him here because SHE is afraid of him) That he has mental problems and I can't just throw him out to the wolves. I'm home because I'm depressed, where is my support? Where are the people trying to protect me from potentially harmful situations? Is it so wrong to be willing to cut my ties after at least 10 years of his abusive shit? Why should he be able to say those things to me then be allowed to come to where I live when he feels like it. Would that not just be basically giving him the impression it's okay to treat me like that? Why should I be a prisoner in my own home?
I'm so confused, because I feel like I'm right about this. I feel like my family should be protecting me, because I am their child or loved one as well. If they want to deal with his abusive shit, that's fine. Then at the same time my family makes me feel so guilty or wrong.
I don't know what to do.
Please someone give me your opinion.