I'm still alive.
I think it's been almost two years since i've written in here. I had the dream of documenting this New York journey but life got in the way and documenting wasn't a priority anymore. But I'm back because I've hit this 'surreal' bump in my life and I'm having a hard time figuring out what I'm supposed to feel. I didn't realize my need to share until I got high and started rambling to my best friend about how I feel.
Nevermind the past 2 years - the most important thing that came out is I know he is the one.
I'm here. I'm back. I have to be back because everything is circular.
I got laid off about 2 months ago, 5/1 being my last day and there's been this whirlwind of emotions that I haven't been able to figure out.
#1. I think I'm angry...? But I don't know where this anger is supposed to be pointed at. They changed the structure of my department - there is literally no more buying team so where am I supposed to go? I get it - it's a business decision and I just can't bring myself to really be mad at them.
#2. Fear - I think this is the biggest emotion. This fear of the 'unknown' - I thought I had my life all planned out; 1 year, 5 years - but this changes everything. I feel rushed like I'm supposed to have this figured out yesterday but why?? Everything happens for a reason, right? And there's nothing that has been thrown my way that I couldn't handle so I'm open to this learning opportunity. Fuck. I don't know.
#3. Love. I have never felt so loved in these past 2 months. Friends from all aspects of my life have been so supportive and loving and it has filled me with this weird emotion that I have never felt. It oozes positive vibes and so I'm in this weird limbo of contradicting emotions.
I've also started smoking again - I'm sorry - I'm scared to go through the anxiety. I'm not hungry ever so it helps me. It has probably also helped with the 'positive moods' bullshit but I love it. I laugh louder and love harder.
There's a bigger picture.
I've recently also been all about the universe. Sending good vibes and trying to just surround myself with positive energy because it's too draining to be down. Am I bummed? 100% I'm so sad things are not working out to what I envisioned but life is still moving forward and if I don't continue I'm going to be left behind. There has to be a reason for all this. Is this supposed to be my time? I have been working ever since I was 15 because I wanted to be a successful business woman. It was all about making the cash and climbing the ladder because bills needed to be paid and I had to fill my closet.
I don't know life outside of working. I love it - I love giving my blood sweat and tears to a company. I watched my dad do it growing up and I wanted to always be better than him. I wanted to prove that women could do it just like men. Now what? Do I frantically look for another job even if it's for a company I don't love? The thought makes me cringe. If I'm going to give my blood sweat and tears to a company, it better be one I believe in. And then there's the dogs.
My ultimate ultimate dream if money didn't matter is to have a dog farm. I want to rescue dogs from kill shelters and have them live the rest of their lives running free on acres of land. I know it's just transferring overpopulation dogs in shelters to my farm but they become my pets. I want to help train them and just let them live their dog lives. This obviously is not a job, if anything this would require a lot of money so to fund it I want to open a camp site.
So is it time for me to wander into this direction? Start small by volunteering for animal rescue centers and learn the logistics of running one? I don't know. Through this confusing transition, Charles has been my shining star.
This is all so cheesy.
But I have never experienced this kind of love - this 'I trust you wholeheartedly' love. I feel empowered to chase after my dreams and do whatever I want to do. I have his unconditional love and support and I want to be the best of me for him because he deserves it. He is my rock. He is the one. He has so selflessly given all of him to me and I now know what it feels to be secure.
He has everything I have needed during this transition and I couldn't have asked for a better partner.
It's time. I have to remember this time in my life.
Nevermind the past 2 years - the most important thing that came out is I know he is the one.
I'm here. I'm back. I have to be back because everything is circular.
I got laid off about 2 months ago, 5/1 being my last day and there's been this whirlwind of emotions that I haven't been able to figure out.
#1. I think I'm angry...? But I don't know where this anger is supposed to be pointed at. They changed the structure of my department - there is literally no more buying team so where am I supposed to go? I get it - it's a business decision and I just can't bring myself to really be mad at them.
#2. Fear - I think this is the biggest emotion. This fear of the 'unknown' - I thought I had my life all planned out; 1 year, 5 years - but this changes everything. I feel rushed like I'm supposed to have this figured out yesterday but why?? Everything happens for a reason, right? And there's nothing that has been thrown my way that I couldn't handle so I'm open to this learning opportunity. Fuck. I don't know.
#3. Love. I have never felt so loved in these past 2 months. Friends from all aspects of my life have been so supportive and loving and it has filled me with this weird emotion that I have never felt. It oozes positive vibes and so I'm in this weird limbo of contradicting emotions.
I've also started smoking again - I'm sorry - I'm scared to go through the anxiety. I'm not hungry ever so it helps me. It has probably also helped with the 'positive moods' bullshit but I love it. I laugh louder and love harder.
There's a bigger picture.
I've recently also been all about the universe. Sending good vibes and trying to just surround myself with positive energy because it's too draining to be down. Am I bummed? 100% I'm so sad things are not working out to what I envisioned but life is still moving forward and if I don't continue I'm going to be left behind. There has to be a reason for all this. Is this supposed to be my time? I have been working ever since I was 15 because I wanted to be a successful business woman. It was all about making the cash and climbing the ladder because bills needed to be paid and I had to fill my closet.
I don't know life outside of working. I love it - I love giving my blood sweat and tears to a company. I watched my dad do it growing up and I wanted to always be better than him. I wanted to prove that women could do it just like men. Now what? Do I frantically look for another job even if it's for a company I don't love? The thought makes me cringe. If I'm going to give my blood sweat and tears to a company, it better be one I believe in. And then there's the dogs.
My ultimate ultimate dream if money didn't matter is to have a dog farm. I want to rescue dogs from kill shelters and have them live the rest of their lives running free on acres of land. I know it's just transferring overpopulation dogs in shelters to my farm but they become my pets. I want to help train them and just let them live their dog lives. This obviously is not a job, if anything this would require a lot of money so to fund it I want to open a camp site.
So is it time for me to wander into this direction? Start small by volunteering for animal rescue centers and learn the logistics of running one? I don't know. Through this confusing transition, Charles has been my shining star.
This is all so cheesy.
But I have never experienced this kind of love - this 'I trust you wholeheartedly' love. I feel empowered to chase after my dreams and do whatever I want to do. I have his unconditional love and support and I want to be the best of me for him because he deserves it. He is my rock. He is the one. He has so selflessly given all of him to me and I now know what it feels to be secure.
He has everything I have needed during this transition and I couldn't have asked for a better partner.
It's time. I have to remember this time in my life.