(no subject)
dear....reader,
im not so sure where to start exactly. I've been reading "the perks of being a wallflower" and just fell in love with it. I even like it better than "go ask alice".But its made me think a lot. about just, me, who im becoming,who i want to become, the friends im surrounding myself with,and just everything. I'm not really happy about my friends at the moment. i just feel like, well like, theyre not listening. dont take this the wrong way,because i know a lot of them do, but still, not in the way a FRIEND would. they listen in a way a classmate or a nice person would. I'm getting tired of going to school, and taking in all the crap people talk about. I know I'm not popular, this i know, im not stupid. But sometimes, I'm really happy that im not, regardless of how much i hate it. Because im not the one worrying about who's in what class, or when your going to see who. I'm not the one planning out what i say each time a thought comes to my head, down to my throught, and waiting to push through my teeth. I can see what every kid does every day at school. its quite funny actually, sitting back, watching everyone so into themselves and their own lives. I'm not jealous in the least, because if i had a life that them, i would probably be just as oblivious to other kids as they are to me. But again, no one listens. I'm stuck in a school where my thoughts are my only consolation. If i feel sad, then its too bad for me. Because 1. no one wants to hear it, and even if they did, what can they do about it? nothing. and 2. nothing is taken seriously here. in middle school its all about whats cool or funny and whats stupid and lame. No one takes time to reflect.No one takes time.
My friends and me. Or in school it would be "my friends and I". Whatever.I'm not really happy with the way some of my friends are growing up. I dont want to get left behind, i still want to be on their minds when theyre sleeping. As much as i want to make more memories, i dont think i can.Sometimes i do, sometimes its screw everything, just do it. Then most of the time, i sit, i think, i realize. It makes me sad, and i feel kind of sorry for them and myself. If they only knew, they'll never have a friend love them half as much as i did. Thats somthing they'll have to find out years later.
theres also the ones who is just quickly draining out my sympathy for them. Ive tried too hard. Ive really tried to think, well, it was a joke, or, just laugh it off. But every day isnt a joke. Im not laughing, theyre not stopping. Right there tells me that theyre not even looking. They dont care enough to try and care how i feel, they dont care enough to even glance over and see. I have great times with them, i do. Its just when my laughing starts turning to sympathy smiles, its when i start worrying. When my laughs are only loud because if they arent "oh your being bitchy today" will follow.When simple waves in the halls gradually fade to smiles, slowley into nods, and into no acknowledgement at all is when i worry. It makes me wonder, if they will be there for me when somthing bad happens. And with me its prone to be. I'm waiting for the time for me to snap, fall, and look around to see if any hands are pulling me up with all that they have. With the friends i have now, im not even sure if they would stop to look down at me.
Kids.they are just so entertaining to watch. I learn more from studying their movements, their words,their actions then i do from spanish quizes and math tests. No, im not a crazy stalker, i simply observe.Keeping quiet isnt that hard anymore. Why do i want to share my theories with people who are going to just take my words, chop them up, and spit them out with out it ever getting to their head. No, i wont waste my time. And in no way is this a call for help, or for people to come running to me "keri oh keri, your not alone!" dont say crap to me. If you must insist your my friend, dont reply to this, dont say anything. Act like you never read it. Keep it all in your head. think about it,comprehend it,learn somthing from it, and eventually, just forget it.
thats all for now, if you read all of this, well, then thanks for your attention, thanks for showing you care. I'll be updating later.
love always,
keri
im not so sure where to start exactly. I've been reading "the perks of being a wallflower" and just fell in love with it. I even like it better than "go ask alice".But its made me think a lot. about just, me, who im becoming,who i want to become, the friends im surrounding myself with,and just everything. I'm not really happy about my friends at the moment. i just feel like, well like, theyre not listening. dont take this the wrong way,because i know a lot of them do, but still, not in the way a FRIEND would. they listen in a way a classmate or a nice person would. I'm getting tired of going to school, and taking in all the crap people talk about. I know I'm not popular, this i know, im not stupid. But sometimes, I'm really happy that im not, regardless of how much i hate it. Because im not the one worrying about who's in what class, or when your going to see who. I'm not the one planning out what i say each time a thought comes to my head, down to my throught, and waiting to push through my teeth. I can see what every kid does every day at school. its quite funny actually, sitting back, watching everyone so into themselves and their own lives. I'm not jealous in the least, because if i had a life that them, i would probably be just as oblivious to other kids as they are to me. But again, no one listens. I'm stuck in a school where my thoughts are my only consolation. If i feel sad, then its too bad for me. Because 1. no one wants to hear it, and even if they did, what can they do about it? nothing. and 2. nothing is taken seriously here. in middle school its all about whats cool or funny and whats stupid and lame. No one takes time to reflect.No one takes time.
My friends and me. Or in school it would be "my friends and I". Whatever.I'm not really happy with the way some of my friends are growing up. I dont want to get left behind, i still want to be on their minds when theyre sleeping. As much as i want to make more memories, i dont think i can.Sometimes i do, sometimes its screw everything, just do it. Then most of the time, i sit, i think, i realize. It makes me sad, and i feel kind of sorry for them and myself. If they only knew, they'll never have a friend love them half as much as i did. Thats somthing they'll have to find out years later.
theres also the ones who is just quickly draining out my sympathy for them. Ive tried too hard. Ive really tried to think, well, it was a joke, or, just laugh it off. But every day isnt a joke. Im not laughing, theyre not stopping. Right there tells me that theyre not even looking. They dont care enough to try and care how i feel, they dont care enough to even glance over and see. I have great times with them, i do. Its just when my laughing starts turning to sympathy smiles, its when i start worrying. When my laughs are only loud because if they arent "oh your being bitchy today" will follow.When simple waves in the halls gradually fade to smiles, slowley into nods, and into no acknowledgement at all is when i worry. It makes me wonder, if they will be there for me when somthing bad happens. And with me its prone to be. I'm waiting for the time for me to snap, fall, and look around to see if any hands are pulling me up with all that they have. With the friends i have now, im not even sure if they would stop to look down at me.
Kids.they are just so entertaining to watch. I learn more from studying their movements, their words,their actions then i do from spanish quizes and math tests. No, im not a crazy stalker, i simply observe.Keeping quiet isnt that hard anymore. Why do i want to share my theories with people who are going to just take my words, chop them up, and spit them out with out it ever getting to their head. No, i wont waste my time. And in no way is this a call for help, or for people to come running to me "keri oh keri, your not alone!" dont say crap to me. If you must insist your my friend, dont reply to this, dont say anything. Act like you never read it. Keep it all in your head. think about it,comprehend it,learn somthing from it, and eventually, just forget it.
thats all for now, if you read all of this, well, then thanks for your attention, thanks for showing you care. I'll be updating later.
love always,
keri