so much for the afterglow
so maybe now i can sit down and write the huge post ive been putting off. i was just gonna ignore it but i cant lol. at times its actually frustrating. anyway, last weekend i went to oneonta to visit my sis. i slept like 2 hours and the night before i was up till 6am writing my stupid paper so i was really fuckin tired. so i got on the bus at 5am after leaving the house crying. i hate when people start shit with me when i am already upset and nervouse about leaving. but of course when i got to the bus station i felt bad so i called him and apologized...and he was annoyed. so yeah, i just got on the bus and tried to forget about it. later on before he went to work he called and apologized though. that was a nice surprise. and i really needed it cause i knew i would be thinking of it all day. so after a long fucking bus ride and transfering twice i got to oneonta at 12:15pm. my parents and sister came to pick me up and we went to dunking donuts. then i went to see her new room. shes in a suite now and her roomate is Liv. it all looks so great. made me miss dorm life a lot hehe. so to make a long story short we did some shopping,shannon came along and it was so good to see her!! and then we did a lot fo partying. all her friends are pretty cool and it was fun to be back there and spend some time with my family. i always realize how much i miss them after days like that. so sunday my parents drove me to binghampton so i could take the bus from there. no transfers and only 4 hours. it was great. so when i got home vito made ravioli and we watched dead like me :)
then monday vitos mom wanted to take us out to diner so we drove to hamburg to this cute little restaurant. it was so nice. i like when we go out with her. things have been better in that department hehe. soooo yeah the rest of the week was school, i could barely get through it. i wrote about it in previous entries.
friday i went to fallfest. vito was supposed to go with me but it was his brothers birthday so he had to go have dinner with them. Fallfest was pretty amazing. i got in the front and i snuck in my camera. i was so nervouse about that. the first band sucked more than i can even describe, the second band 'the music' (what a stupid name) was prtty good, and then incubus came on and i almost died. brandon boyd=yum. haha im such a girl. but yeah they played everything i wanted except pardon me. and it was fuckin hot. i had a good time. then ken came to pick me up and we went back to my place and talked about stuff and just hung out.
saturday i just did nothing. vito went to his moms house again. he was supposed to go out for halloween but he didnt want to. he almost stayed at his moms house that night but i was like gonna die so he said he would come back. i spent a while doing my halloween makeup and costume and then he came back and i was excited cause he would get to see me before i left but he was just like blah blah blah about some girl he saw and i was like yeah.....do you like my costume and makeup? and hes just like yeah...its nice. he just doesnt get it lol. so ken came over and michelle picked us up and we drank a bunch and went to the conts halloween party. there were soooo many people there . it was great. i took a bunch of pictures, we walked around and i danced a little. it was a fun night for the most part.
halloween was pretty blah. vito said since he wasnt going out, on halloween we would watch scary movies all day, listen to some scary music, hand out candy to the kids. and so i was happy we would spend the day together. so he slept till like pm. i watched halloween stuff all day by myself, when he woke up he watched the excorsist by himself and then he he went to do his own thing. at like 8 he finally came and watched scream with me. i wanted to do trick or treating with the kids but we just watched the movie instead. then he went to grade papers and just sat around. i ordered some pizza and then we watched the dead like me season finale. that was like the good part of the day. after that we started to watch the texas chain saw massacre but i was getting scared so i changed it. he got all mad and went to do papers so i decided maybe i could watch it. so i started watching it again and he came in the room and got so mad that i was watching it and told me i better change it or put it off and that he wasnt gonna sleep with me if i was scared. cause im such a little kid. so i turned it off and just lay down trying to not think, and hes all like i dont wanna do this anymore your too immature for me or something along those lines. yeah...its funny what i deal with and hoe i try so hard and im the one that gets the lecture. so i was just like whatever. too numb to really care. so i went to lay down and then i just started crying. like i cant take this anymore. so then he comes in the room and tells me to stop crying and hes sorry its just him not being on meds and its not me. i just didnt even want to look at him. so then he says he just wanted to watch something scary on halloween...and im like yeah thats what i wanted to do all day. so we decided to go for texas chainsaw massacre again and we have those demand channels so we watched it. it wasnt so bad. and then we went to bed, i really wasnt feeling well so i asked him to lay with me. he stayed for like 5 min and then went to grade papers or whatever.
so yeah. i dunno. i was almost wishing he wouldnt have said sorry. i just wish he would try...he says he does but i does but i dont see how he does. so halloween sucked royaly. like i knew it would. i guess it wasnt the hugest dissapointment cause i was prettymuch expecting it. and now i just feel like i wanna be done with life. i dont wanna go to school anymore, i just wanna go home. so bad. just leave everything here and forget it ever existed and just go back to nyc. god ive never felt this alone in my entire life. its the kind when you know there are people around you, but no one is really there.
then monday vitos mom wanted to take us out to diner so we drove to hamburg to this cute little restaurant. it was so nice. i like when we go out with her. things have been better in that department hehe. soooo yeah the rest of the week was school, i could barely get through it. i wrote about it in previous entries.
friday i went to fallfest. vito was supposed to go with me but it was his brothers birthday so he had to go have dinner with them. Fallfest was pretty amazing. i got in the front and i snuck in my camera. i was so nervouse about that. the first band sucked more than i can even describe, the second band 'the music' (what a stupid name) was prtty good, and then incubus came on and i almost died. brandon boyd=yum. haha im such a girl. but yeah they played everything i wanted except pardon me. and it was fuckin hot. i had a good time. then ken came to pick me up and we went back to my place and talked about stuff and just hung out.
saturday i just did nothing. vito went to his moms house again. he was supposed to go out for halloween but he didnt want to. he almost stayed at his moms house that night but i was like gonna die so he said he would come back. i spent a while doing my halloween makeup and costume and then he came back and i was excited cause he would get to see me before i left but he was just like blah blah blah about some girl he saw and i was like yeah.....do you like my costume and makeup? and hes just like yeah...its nice. he just doesnt get it lol. so ken came over and michelle picked us up and we drank a bunch and went to the conts halloween party. there were soooo many people there . it was great. i took a bunch of pictures, we walked around and i danced a little. it was a fun night for the most part.
halloween was pretty blah. vito said since he wasnt going out, on halloween we would watch scary movies all day, listen to some scary music, hand out candy to the kids. and so i was happy we would spend the day together. so he slept till like pm. i watched halloween stuff all day by myself, when he woke up he watched the excorsist by himself and then he he went to do his own thing. at like 8 he finally came and watched scream with me. i wanted to do trick or treating with the kids but we just watched the movie instead. then he went to grade papers and just sat around. i ordered some pizza and then we watched the dead like me season finale. that was like the good part of the day. after that we started to watch the texas chain saw massacre but i was getting scared so i changed it. he got all mad and went to do papers so i decided maybe i could watch it. so i started watching it again and he came in the room and got so mad that i was watching it and told me i better change it or put it off and that he wasnt gonna sleep with me if i was scared. cause im such a little kid. so i turned it off and just lay down trying to not think, and hes all like i dont wanna do this anymore your too immature for me or something along those lines. yeah...its funny what i deal with and hoe i try so hard and im the one that gets the lecture. so i was just like whatever. too numb to really care. so i went to lay down and then i just started crying. like i cant take this anymore. so then he comes in the room and tells me to stop crying and hes sorry its just him not being on meds and its not me. i just didnt even want to look at him. so then he says he just wanted to watch something scary on halloween...and im like yeah thats what i wanted to do all day. so we decided to go for texas chainsaw massacre again and we have those demand channels so we watched it. it wasnt so bad. and then we went to bed, i really wasnt feeling well so i asked him to lay with me. he stayed for like 5 min and then went to grade papers or whatever.
so yeah. i dunno. i was almost wishing he wouldnt have said sorry. i just wish he would try...he says he does but i does but i dont see how he does. so halloween sucked royaly. like i knew it would. i guess it wasnt the hugest dissapointment cause i was prettymuch expecting it. and now i just feel like i wanna be done with life. i dont wanna go to school anymore, i just wanna go home. so bad. just leave everything here and forget it ever existed and just go back to nyc. god ive never felt this alone in my entire life. its the kind when you know there are people around you, but no one is really there.