Where did the time go?
The instant I got home in April I was counting the seconds till I could go back in August. I knew I would not meet happiness being at home...I knew I would just want to have my friends there and my room and my internet.
But I spent so much time counting for the time to go back that I didn't spend any time enjoying the summer that was right there.
I realized this last night...as I was driving home and I rolled down the windows...and the air of 12:05 in the morning was so hot and humid it smelled so fresh w/ the windows down. That reminded me that it was August, and hte first time I had enjoyed the scent.
The second was driving home tonight...it was 9:00 and already dark out.
Oh, and my allergies are starting to bother me...grrr...
I spent lots of time at Quality...usually at nights when I would have normally been swimming or walking up the road to get a popsicle or sitting by the occasional bonfire. I didn't do any of my normal summer time things...I didn't go to the fair at all. I didn't explore town at all on lawn sale days...I barely made it out of the house. Any gorgeous Sunday I was miraculously scheduled for an 8 1/2 hour day. I didn't seem to mow my lawn as much...I know I didn't swim as much. The pool just sat there...w/out me in it. I had my license...so I made no walks to the post office or to the bank, and none to the store.
I hate waste. I hate the feeling I get when I throw away the end piece of bread, or when one of the bags doesn't work right at work and I just put it away (even if I am recycling, I hate feeling like I'm being wasteful!).
And I hate the feeling I have now that I wasted an entire summer.
I didn't eat nearly enough popsicles. Didn't have enough watermelon. Didn't mow the lawn enough. Didn't swim in the pool enough. and surely didn't sit in the sun enough.
I mean...*sigh* I get excited for the colors of fall...and the smell of the air (even if it does bring the onset of allergies...grrr...). And I look forward to the look of snow and walking in it...
But I still hate the feeling that an entire summer of my life just went by w/out my realizing it.
And Ryan is going to read this, and I wish for him to understand that by saying I just wasted a summer doesn't mean that all the time I spent w/ him was a waste, b/c it was not even a little bit of a waste at all.
I did some good things, though.
Like, w/ Ryan....laying on the hammock. It's nice...he's warm.
I spent lots of time with Erika and the Owen-ator. So far I've seen most of his little developmental wonders and am I a bit lame if I say it brings little tears to my eyes? I mean...when I first saw the "it's not gas, mom...but an actual smile-smile" I teared up a little. He's not even my kid...but he's so cute.
I finally sent that e-mail to Bethany...and have since talked to her a couple of times. It feels good having that barrier out of the way...and it feels even better to be able to laugh w/ her again.
I don't know. I guess I'm being dumb.
Last day of work in the morning...that's one place I don't think I'm gonna miss...night!