Gender Equality has a Technology Problem (tags #genderequality #technology)
Last year, the SO and I started talking about a business convention in Las Vegas. The convention seemed relevant to my writing business, so we made plans, registered, etc. Then somewhere around January, we realized "Hey, we're going to Vegas. We should do that thing that everyone does in Vegas so our parents stop nagging." So we padded our schedule by a day, and I scheduled a small wedding at a Vegas hotel. I planned it it from top to bottom. Made my own dress. Paid for the wedding out of my own pocket.
The only thing the SO did was sign off on the paperwork (it required both of us), buy the rings, and shell out for the license when we got there.
At the pre-event meeting, I met our minister, the wedding coordinator, and the photographer. They asked all sorts of questions, including about the dreaded name change. I informed everyone I was keeping my name. The minister asked if he could still introduce us as Mr & Mrs SO after the event just to keep things simple. Foolish me. I said yes.
Everything went off without a hitch, mostly. There were people getting a private tour of my selected venue even though it was supposed to be closed to visitors at the time I chose. They left, we got married, we got photographed, then wandered off to eat and prepare for the convention.
Two days later, we met Tina at Cashman Photo to go over our pictures and pick out what packages we wanted. As Tina was showing us the various options, she pulled out a little thing called a brag book. The brag book is a booklet of our wedding photos superimposed over backgrounds from our venue. It's actually pretty neat and well put together. But the front of the brag book had "Mr. & Mrs. SO" emblazoned across the front of it and I was slightly unhappy that Tina (who I'd been in contact with for a few weeks before the event) hadn't bothered to ask what names to put on the book. Nevertheless, I bought the brag book, and a bunch of photos, then we went back to our next conference class.
As the day went on, the book began to bother me more and more. I decided to give this one to the SO's parents and order another one with Mr. & Mrs. Tarvin on it to give to my parents. Also, a small part of me wanted to make a point about the name thing to the photography studio. I didn't have time to catch up with Tina in person, so I emailed her.
Tina,
Could I have another two brag books made up? This time with the name "Mr. & Mrs. Tarvin" on the front?
I'll be here through Saturday, so I'd like to pick them up while I'm here. And we should have photo details before we leave too.
Sincerely,
Brandie Tarvin
(She called me back the next day. We talked on the phone. Brag books are only made on the weekends. They won't be ready before I leave. She'll send them with my other photos. A few weeks later, photos and books arrive. Only, the books still say Mr. & Mrs. SO. I'm a little steamed. I check my email to verify I said what I thought I said. Yep. Mr. & Mrs. Tarvin. So I send out a query with my original email embedded and fib just a little about my reasons for asking. Not that it's any of their business. Not that I should have to fib. Why do I have to justify the fact that I want a book with Mr. & Mrs. Tarvin written on the front cover? This is a simple request, right? How could they screw it up?)
Tina,
I received the photos and brag books in the mail. The books are wrong. They have Mr & Mrs SO on them instead of Mr. and Mrs. Tarvin.
How do I return these and get the correctly labeled ones? He's the one changing his name. I'm not changing mine.
Brandie Tarvin
I'm looking forward to a quick "I'm sorry. We'll get this corrected and send them right out" email. But then this happens:
Hello Ms. Tarvin,
Thank you for contacting us regarding your albums. Tina no longer works for our company, however I will be happy to assist you.
I am showing that your spouse is the primary on your account with the married name of SO, is this not correct? We tend to make the books with the “grooms” last name as the married name unless told otherwise.
Please let me know what the correct name for the account is , so we can move forward.
Kristina
(Emphasis above and below is mine. Please note that she totally ignored the fact that I originally asked for Mr. & Mrs. Tarvin on the additional books request.)
---------------------
Kristina,
My spouse should not be primary on the account. I never asked for that. Please make the books with the names Mr. and Mrs. Tarvin (my name) as requested.
And the account should be under my name as I am not, and never intended to, changing my name.
Sincerely,
Brandie Tarvin
----------------------
I apologizes for that. Our records always place the groom as primary in our system, despite if the bride is change her name or not.
I will have the new albums made and shipped out , with the correction made to Mr. and Mrs. Tarvin.
Kristina
(So, wait. Your computer system insists that no matter what work a woman does, the man will always be in charge? We're in the freaking 21st century and the guy who did nothing but sign paperwork and buy two things gets to take all the credit for all the work I did?
Now I am beyond angry. I'm raging at the walls. She has told me twice that their computer doesn't consider me important because I am a WOMAN. No one ever mentioned this "primary name" fact when I was setting everything up. And no one ever asked me what I wanted on the account. The wedding coordinator never even talked to the SO until the pre-wedding meeting.)
-------------------
Thank you.
Brandie Tarvin
(This terse email was the best polite response I could muster. She didn't deserve the full-on Brandie Rant. I try not to do that to customer service people, because I used to be a customer service rep. So I sat back for a few hours, then I sent out the below.)
------------------
Kristina,
As a follow up, you might want to address this issue. I can't be the first person who's complained about the groom being primary. And if I am, then this should be a wake up call for the people who designed your system. It should be coded to allow for people to choose who is primary on the account. Not automatically assume that the woman is always secondary to the male.
Brandie Tarvin
Yes, I'm still a little steamed. If their computer systems really insist on putting the guy's name as primary on the account, then someone needs to reprogram their system. Especially in light (just a few weeks later) of SCOTUS declaring same-sex marriage the law of the land. How will their system handle two women getting married? Will neither be primary? What about two men? How does it decide then? What about a couple that doesn't identify with binary gender labels? I can't wait to see the system have a nervous breakdown in that case.
Gender equailty has a technology problem. Try as we might to wave the flag of gender parity, we cannot get away from automated systems that, based on their programming, make assumptions about who deserves what title and who gets to be primary on an account. It is too easy for people to blame the system for a choice. Sometimes they don't have the security rights to override what the system does. Sometimes, like in this case, it seems that a little effort would have resolved the issue before it became a problem.
Had Cashman sent me the brag books with the name correction as I'd asked, I'd likely have said nothing about the issue. In fact, it likely would have been some other woman sitting in their studio, raging at them (instead of the walls) when she saw her book without her name on it.
How do we fix this? How can we get people to stop programming systems that only give us binary gender choices? How do we get these systems to recognize "first caller" as primary on these accounts, or to prompt the users at time of entry / meeting with the customer to ASK THE QUESTION?
"Who do you want to be primary on this account?" That's the only question they had to ask, and I would have been happy. Our lives are being dictated by this technology. How do we fix the technology so we can dictate our own gender choices?
The only thing the SO did was sign off on the paperwork (it required both of us), buy the rings, and shell out for the license when we got there.
At the pre-event meeting, I met our minister, the wedding coordinator, and the photographer. They asked all sorts of questions, including about the dreaded name change. I informed everyone I was keeping my name. The minister asked if he could still introduce us as Mr & Mrs SO after the event just to keep things simple. Foolish me. I said yes.
Everything went off without a hitch, mostly. There were people getting a private tour of my selected venue even though it was supposed to be closed to visitors at the time I chose. They left, we got married, we got photographed, then wandered off to eat and prepare for the convention.
Two days later, we met Tina at Cashman Photo to go over our pictures and pick out what packages we wanted. As Tina was showing us the various options, she pulled out a little thing called a brag book. The brag book is a booklet of our wedding photos superimposed over backgrounds from our venue. It's actually pretty neat and well put together. But the front of the brag book had "Mr. & Mrs. SO" emblazoned across the front of it and I was slightly unhappy that Tina (who I'd been in contact with for a few weeks before the event) hadn't bothered to ask what names to put on the book. Nevertheless, I bought the brag book, and a bunch of photos, then we went back to our next conference class.
As the day went on, the book began to bother me more and more. I decided to give this one to the SO's parents and order another one with Mr. & Mrs. Tarvin on it to give to my parents. Also, a small part of me wanted to make a point about the name thing to the photography studio. I didn't have time to catch up with Tina in person, so I emailed her.
Tina,
Could I have another two brag books made up? This time with the name "Mr. & Mrs. Tarvin" on the front?
I'll be here through Saturday, so I'd like to pick them up while I'm here. And we should have photo details before we leave too.
Sincerely,
Brandie Tarvin
(She called me back the next day. We talked on the phone. Brag books are only made on the weekends. They won't be ready before I leave. She'll send them with my other photos. A few weeks later, photos and books arrive. Only, the books still say Mr. & Mrs. SO. I'm a little steamed. I check my email to verify I said what I thought I said. Yep. Mr. & Mrs. Tarvin. So I send out a query with my original email embedded and fib just a little about my reasons for asking. Not that it's any of their business. Not that I should have to fib. Why do I have to justify the fact that I want a book with Mr. & Mrs. Tarvin written on the front cover? This is a simple request, right? How could they screw it up?)
Tina,
I received the photos and brag books in the mail. The books are wrong. They have Mr & Mrs SO on them instead of Mr. and Mrs. Tarvin.
How do I return these and get the correctly labeled ones? He's the one changing his name. I'm not changing mine.
Brandie Tarvin
I'm looking forward to a quick "I'm sorry. We'll get this corrected and send them right out" email. But then this happens:
Hello Ms. Tarvin,
Thank you for contacting us regarding your albums. Tina no longer works for our company, however I will be happy to assist you.
I am showing that your spouse is the primary on your account with the married name of SO, is this not correct? We tend to make the books with the “grooms” last name as the married name unless told otherwise.
Please let me know what the correct name for the account is , so we can move forward.
Kristina
(Emphasis above and below is mine. Please note that she totally ignored the fact that I originally asked for Mr. & Mrs. Tarvin on the additional books request.)
---------------------
Kristina,
My spouse should not be primary on the account. I never asked for that. Please make the books with the names Mr. and Mrs. Tarvin (my name) as requested.
And the account should be under my name as I am not, and never intended to, changing my name.
Sincerely,
Brandie Tarvin
----------------------
I apologizes for that. Our records always place the groom as primary in our system, despite if the bride is change her name or not.
I will have the new albums made and shipped out , with the correction made to Mr. and Mrs. Tarvin.
Kristina
(So, wait. Your computer system insists that no matter what work a woman does, the man will always be in charge? We're in the freaking 21st century and the guy who did nothing but sign paperwork and buy two things gets to take all the credit for all the work I did?
Now I am beyond angry. I'm raging at the walls. She has told me twice that their computer doesn't consider me important because I am a WOMAN. No one ever mentioned this "primary name" fact when I was setting everything up. And no one ever asked me what I wanted on the account. The wedding coordinator never even talked to the SO until the pre-wedding meeting.)
-------------------
Thank you.
Brandie Tarvin
(This terse email was the best polite response I could muster. She didn't deserve the full-on Brandie Rant. I try not to do that to customer service people, because I used to be a customer service rep. So I sat back for a few hours, then I sent out the below.)
------------------
Kristina,
As a follow up, you might want to address this issue. I can't be the first person who's complained about the groom being primary. And if I am, then this should be a wake up call for the people who designed your system. It should be coded to allow for people to choose who is primary on the account. Not automatically assume that the woman is always secondary to the male.
Brandie Tarvin
Yes, I'm still a little steamed. If their computer systems really insist on putting the guy's name as primary on the account, then someone needs to reprogram their system. Especially in light (just a few weeks later) of SCOTUS declaring same-sex marriage the law of the land. How will their system handle two women getting married? Will neither be primary? What about two men? How does it decide then? What about a couple that doesn't identify with binary gender labels? I can't wait to see the system have a nervous breakdown in that case.
Gender equailty has a technology problem. Try as we might to wave the flag of gender parity, we cannot get away from automated systems that, based on their programming, make assumptions about who deserves what title and who gets to be primary on an account. It is too easy for people to blame the system for a choice. Sometimes they don't have the security rights to override what the system does. Sometimes, like in this case, it seems that a little effort would have resolved the issue before it became a problem.
Had Cashman sent me the brag books with the name correction as I'd asked, I'd likely have said nothing about the issue. In fact, it likely would have been some other woman sitting in their studio, raging at them (instead of the walls) when she saw her book without her name on it.
How do we fix this? How can we get people to stop programming systems that only give us binary gender choices? How do we get these systems to recognize "first caller" as primary on these accounts, or to prompt the users at time of entry / meeting with the customer to ASK THE QUESTION?
"Who do you want to be primary on this account?" That's the only question they had to ask, and I would have been happy. Our lives are being dictated by this technology. How do we fix the technology so we can dictate our own gender choices?