Floating Optimism
The past few months ....especially the last few days have been something else.
I don't even know how to explain how I'm feeling. I don't think it's something I've experienced before, so there's no words for a proper explanation.
I'm so completely full of optimism, it kind of feels like I might burst.
I think I can credit a lot of this to my complete and utter happiness being in love.
Never thought I'd
1) ever be able to say that and
2) ever be willing to say that.
Even if I've ever thought it was possible to get any where near this level of bliss, the pessimist in me would never allow me to actually voice it.
I've never been the type of girl, to tell near strangers about my boyfriend or classmates/coworkers anything other than maybe that I had one. I've found myself on numerous occasions telling the girls at school how "My boyfriend is coming to visit!"
I'm officially that disgusting girl in love that can't keep it to herself, even when she tries to contain it.
Everything it took for us to get here...... and damn if that wasn't a long, heart breaking road... I never could get over him, never move on from him completely, despite all my best efforts. Because I was never supposed to.
I always used to wonder.. and was even tempted to ask those around me, who were married, if they were actually happy. I honestly didn't believe it was possible to really be in love, to actually be content in a relationship and not feel like you were selling yourself short by settling for feeling anything but absolute euphoria. I figured it just couldn't ever compare to anything you read about. I think I felt particularly defeated, because I thought he was out of my life for good.
I just keep thinking I'm going to wake up from this amazing dream. Life can really be this good? It's possible to feel this incredible?
Don't get me wrong... grad school is kicking my ass like you wouldn't believe, and there are definitely times where it feels like I'm in a dark place and I can't find my way out, like I'm not good enough... but those phases pass almost as quickly as they come on.
Being in love almost feels like it shields you from the worst and bolsters morale and allows you to be even more than you thought you could.
I know that I'm the driving force behind my success, and that I would survive without Darrin. Before, when I thought he was never coming back... I was capable of doing it on my own.. I got me here, and i know I could do all of this without him.
But I also know that if I allow him, he's right behind me every step, and that gives me a whole other dimension of contentedness and confidence.
It's funny to think, that the me from a year ago, would never believe I'd be where I am today, and saying and feeling the things that I am.
I still can't believe some of the things that come out of my mouth and the thoughts that float around in my head.
Every silly girl part of me that I thought never existed... just never had a reason to surface before.
I've never been more excited to get a ring, have a wedding, share my life, be a mother.... than I am right now.
I know what goes up must come down, but I'd really like to float here awhile.
I don't even know how to explain how I'm feeling. I don't think it's something I've experienced before, so there's no words for a proper explanation.
I'm so completely full of optimism, it kind of feels like I might burst.
I think I can credit a lot of this to my complete and utter happiness being in love.
Never thought I'd
1) ever be able to say that and
2) ever be willing to say that.
Even if I've ever thought it was possible to get any where near this level of bliss, the pessimist in me would never allow me to actually voice it.
I've never been the type of girl, to tell near strangers about my boyfriend or classmates/coworkers anything other than maybe that I had one. I've found myself on numerous occasions telling the girls at school how "My boyfriend is coming to visit!"
I'm officially that disgusting girl in love that can't keep it to herself, even when she tries to contain it.
Everything it took for us to get here...... and damn if that wasn't a long, heart breaking road... I never could get over him, never move on from him completely, despite all my best efforts. Because I was never supposed to.
I always used to wonder.. and was even tempted to ask those around me, who were married, if they were actually happy. I honestly didn't believe it was possible to really be in love, to actually be content in a relationship and not feel like you were selling yourself short by settling for feeling anything but absolute euphoria. I figured it just couldn't ever compare to anything you read about. I think I felt particularly defeated, because I thought he was out of my life for good.
I just keep thinking I'm going to wake up from this amazing dream. Life can really be this good? It's possible to feel this incredible?
Don't get me wrong... grad school is kicking my ass like you wouldn't believe, and there are definitely times where it feels like I'm in a dark place and I can't find my way out, like I'm not good enough... but those phases pass almost as quickly as they come on.
Being in love almost feels like it shields you from the worst and bolsters morale and allows you to be even more than you thought you could.
I know that I'm the driving force behind my success, and that I would survive without Darrin. Before, when I thought he was never coming back... I was capable of doing it on my own.. I got me here, and i know I could do all of this without him.
But I also know that if I allow him, he's right behind me every step, and that gives me a whole other dimension of contentedness and confidence.
It's funny to think, that the me from a year ago, would never believe I'd be where I am today, and saying and feeling the things that I am.
I still can't believe some of the things that come out of my mouth and the thoughts that float around in my head.
Every silly girl part of me that I thought never existed... just never had a reason to surface before.
I've never been more excited to get a ring, have a wedding, share my life, be a mother.... than I am right now.
I know what goes up must come down, but I'd really like to float here awhile.