father?
I've been thinking a lot about my father lately- the biological one. I haven't seen him since I was eight years old (that was for the two minutes it took for him to sign the papers relinquishing all rights to me). Before that, I saw him on my fifth birthday. He got into a fight with my mother, and I had to be taken away from my own party.
I just spent about ten minutes staring at the only picture I have of my father, wondering what the two of us have in common. Physically, I look mostly like my mother. I decide on the traits given to me by my him merely by process of elimination. I wonder about the other things, too....emotional things, my health issues, ADD....did I get all of this from him? There are only a few things that I have that I absolutely know I got from my mother....what about the rest? Of course, right here I could argue all about nature and nurture and crap, but that does not concern me at the moment. I have a lot of questions that need to be answered; I have a whole other family out there that I have never met, including my father, who could answer these.
Growing up, every single bad thing I did, my mother blamed it on my father (even though he was virtually non-existent). If my room was messy, it was because my father was a messy person, etc...
The only stories I have about him are bad ones....how he was a drug addict and alcoholic, how he smacked my mother around. I know nothing good about him. Thing that gets me about this is that this supposed bastard is half of me. I hate the idea that the other person responsible for my earthly existance could be such an evil human being. I feel like I need to meet him in order to make sense of him myself. Any opinion I may seem to have of him is one based on the stories of others and one or two memories that I have.
I feel as though I won't be able to make sense of myself fully until I face this part of me.
I just spent about ten minutes staring at the only picture I have of my father, wondering what the two of us have in common. Physically, I look mostly like my mother. I decide on the traits given to me by my him merely by process of elimination. I wonder about the other things, too....emotional things, my health issues, ADD....did I get all of this from him? There are only a few things that I have that I absolutely know I got from my mother....what about the rest? Of course, right here I could argue all about nature and nurture and crap, but that does not concern me at the moment. I have a lot of questions that need to be answered; I have a whole other family out there that I have never met, including my father, who could answer these.
Growing up, every single bad thing I did, my mother blamed it on my father (even though he was virtually non-existent). If my room was messy, it was because my father was a messy person, etc...
The only stories I have about him are bad ones....how he was a drug addict and alcoholic, how he smacked my mother around. I know nothing good about him. Thing that gets me about this is that this supposed bastard is half of me. I hate the idea that the other person responsible for my earthly existance could be such an evil human being. I feel like I need to meet him in order to make sense of him myself. Any opinion I may seem to have of him is one based on the stories of others and one or two memories that I have.
I feel as though I won't be able to make sense of myself fully until I face this part of me.