Why I am still in my pajamas at 1:30 pm having only eaten Kit Kats so far today.
I'm losing my mind. I'm seriously losing my mind. I don't know what to do with myself, I'm just going to explode with frustration.
I've reached a point of inactivity that neither Mayah nor I can tolerate. I feel so trapped, even in this beautiful new home that I thought would fix everything. It's just not plausible to be stuck in one place all day, every day - but the thing is, I'm not really stuck, I have a car, I can leave anytime I want but I have nowhere TO go. Mayah's not old enough (or not mobile enough - more on that later) to just take to the park, or the beach, or to any of the other typical "child-friendly" places in the area. We have one group that we go to once a week, and one that we go to once a month - that's it, that's the extent of my human interaction. If I want to see anyone else I have to drive an hour away, and really what do we do then? There's not much that's fun for people I know that's also fun to do with a baby. I want SO badly to make friends down here, friends with kids, friends with similar interests, maybe even friends MY AGE with kids AND similar interests! That would truly be a find.
I feel excruciatingly lonely and I'm mad at myself for it - why can't I just be happy sitting at home with Mayah? BECAUSE SHE IS MISERABLE. She has reached the point where her harness is a serious hindrance and she's PISSED about it. She tries so hard to sit up and scoot around but she just physically can't position herself correctly to do anything. She's totally over laying on her back and thus just wants to be held all day. I wear her a lot but there's only so much of that I can do and only so many things I CAN do while wearing her. I can't just sit her down and let her play, the only place she can sit up (she wiggles if I sit her up on a Boppy until she's on the floor) is in her high chair which she's not a fan of because it squishes her legs up, due to - what else - the harness. August 6th just can't come fast enough, I called the Ortho office almost crying yesterday because she was struggling so hard against the straps and no one picked up, so of course then I WAS crying and it was a mess. I'm a mess. I feel like I have this inability to be content, I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep telling myself "It will get better when X happens", but then X happens and it never does. I just can't win against my own mind.
I texted Chris and his response was "Go visit family!" Sorry that I don't feel like driving an hour to see people that I really have no desire to hang out with out of desperation who will ask me the same few question ad nauseum (How is the house?! Are you so excited?! When is Mayah getting her harness off?! How is she doing with solids?!) NO. NO TO ALL OF IT. SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY ABOUT. It's like when people ask you "How are you doing?" during pregnancy - I'M FREAKING AWFUL AND MISERABLE. But you can't say that. What do they expect you to say? Who knows. People are stupid.
I also think I may be developing a shopping addiction, as it's apparently the only thing that makes me actually feel better lately. Awesome. Online shopping and fast food delivery, there's where I get my thrills. This is so pathetic.
I feel like I need a project, something to focus on - but every time I take on something like that I get overwhelmed and miserable and hate it. What am I doing wrong here? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
I've reached a point of inactivity that neither Mayah nor I can tolerate. I feel so trapped, even in this beautiful new home that I thought would fix everything. It's just not plausible to be stuck in one place all day, every day - but the thing is, I'm not really stuck, I have a car, I can leave anytime I want but I have nowhere TO go. Mayah's not old enough (or not mobile enough - more on that later) to just take to the park, or the beach, or to any of the other typical "child-friendly" places in the area. We have one group that we go to once a week, and one that we go to once a month - that's it, that's the extent of my human interaction. If I want to see anyone else I have to drive an hour away, and really what do we do then? There's not much that's fun for people I know that's also fun to do with a baby. I want SO badly to make friends down here, friends with kids, friends with similar interests, maybe even friends MY AGE with kids AND similar interests! That would truly be a find.
I feel excruciatingly lonely and I'm mad at myself for it - why can't I just be happy sitting at home with Mayah? BECAUSE SHE IS MISERABLE. She has reached the point where her harness is a serious hindrance and she's PISSED about it. She tries so hard to sit up and scoot around but she just physically can't position herself correctly to do anything. She's totally over laying on her back and thus just wants to be held all day. I wear her a lot but there's only so much of that I can do and only so many things I CAN do while wearing her. I can't just sit her down and let her play, the only place she can sit up (she wiggles if I sit her up on a Boppy until she's on the floor) is in her high chair which she's not a fan of because it squishes her legs up, due to - what else - the harness. August 6th just can't come fast enough, I called the Ortho office almost crying yesterday because she was struggling so hard against the straps and no one picked up, so of course then I WAS crying and it was a mess. I'm a mess. I feel like I have this inability to be content, I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep telling myself "It will get better when X happens", but then X happens and it never does. I just can't win against my own mind.
I texted Chris and his response was "Go visit family!" Sorry that I don't feel like driving an hour to see people that I really have no desire to hang out with out of desperation who will ask me the same few question ad nauseum (How is the house?! Are you so excited?! When is Mayah getting her harness off?! How is she doing with solids?!) NO. NO TO ALL OF IT. SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY ABOUT. It's like when people ask you "How are you doing?" during pregnancy - I'M FREAKING AWFUL AND MISERABLE. But you can't say that. What do they expect you to say? Who knows. People are stupid.
I also think I may be developing a shopping addiction, as it's apparently the only thing that makes me actually feel better lately. Awesome. Online shopping and fast food delivery, there's where I get my thrills. This is so pathetic.
I feel like I need a project, something to focus on - but every time I take on something like that I get overwhelmed and miserable and hate it. What am I doing wrong here? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?