After the guests leave the tree trimming party...
[Continues from here.]
Tara wraps her arms around Shane, resting hands on her wife's abdomen and chin on her shoulder. "It looks good," she murmurs, pleased by the softly twinkling lights amidst the green branches of their newly decorated Christmas tree, and the whimsical but wholly appropriate ornaments contributed by their guests. "Now all we need is presents underneath. Want to come shopping with me tomorrow?"
"Yeah, that'd be fun," Shane says softly, smiling as she places her hands atop Tara's, palms smoothing gently over the backs of Tara's hands. Several moments of comfortable silence pass. "It looks beautiful."
"I want to get some Mac&Cheese to go with Christmas dinner, as well," Tara says, nuzzling Shane's neck. "Faithling said it was a tradition for her, and... well, traditions are important, you know?"
"Yeah, yeah... yeah, we can do that," Shane agrees, nodding as she gently runs her thumbs over the backs of Tara's fingers. "My mom used to make me grape jelly sandwiches on Christmas morning... 'cause I'd be too amped up to eat, y'know?"
"We can do that, too," Tara replies, squeezing Shane a little tighter. "And maybe do reindeer gifts? My mom always bought me one... something silly to make me laugh, signed from one of Santa's reindeer."
Shane chuckles softly, squeezing Tara back as best she can from this angle, mesmerized by the gentle twinkling of the lights. "I... I wish Geoff was here," she says very softly.
"Couldn't we invite him?" Tara asks, just a hint of a plaintive edge to her voice. "I mean... why can't he come to visit?"
"Maybe... I -- I don't know... how things even work... the time," Shane murmurs, shaking her head. "I got a letter back from him already, Tara. I sent it out yesterday and I got one back today, postmarked almost three weeks ago."
"That's... oh." She bites her lip. "But if Ten... I mean, um, 'John' helped out?" It's useless, really. She doesn't understand enough of what is happening, but she knows Shane would rather have her whole family there for Christmas than any gift Tara could find her.
"Maybe he could," she says, nodding, though the resignation makes her voice sound leaden. Ducking her head, she pressing her lips together. "Sorry, I -- I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, love," Tara soothes, circling Shane to stand in front of her, bringing her into a proper hug. "He's your brother, and your best friend. You miss him. We'll just have to find a way to include him, even if he doesn't come. Maybe read a section of his poetry instead of 'The Night Before Christmas'."
"I do miss him," Shane says softly, her voice choked as she holds Tara back tightly. "I miss him so much, Tara." She knows she shouldn't do this... she shouldn't say these things because it might hurt Tara, but... the words tumble out before she can stop them. She knows it's not Tara's fault but she's still not convinced that Tara knows that, but still... she does miss him.
"I know," Tara murmurs, stroking her hand over Shane's back, roving circles over shoulderblades. "I know you do, baby. Letters just aren't the same." There's no way she can fix this, nothing she can do to take away Shane's pain, and she curses herself for her own helplessness.
Shane shakes her head wordlessly as she nestles her face into the hollow of Tara's shoulder, arms tightening around her just slightly. Taking a deep, hitching breath, she lets it out slowly. She'd told Tara that they'd make this work and they will... but there are some things that still hurt, even though she's been trying to make peace with what had happened. There's nothing else to do but that. It was her fault for not telling the Oracle to give them time. She'd fucked up and now they were dealing with the situation as best they could. Regrets are worth nothing if you don't do your best to move forward from the mistakes you've made. "Maybe I'll call Ten," she says softly, her voice barely a croak.
"I think that's a good idea," Tara replies, not loosening her hold on Shane. "And we know we can send letters now, right? So we're not completely cut off. You haven't lost him." Except she has, and Tara knows it. She can't hug Geoff, and that's what she needs.
"He -- he sent us presents," Shane whispers, voice going thin and shaky with emotion. "For Christmas. I... I told him about us. I'll... show you his letter... you should -- you should see it..."
"I'd like that," Tara murmurs, pressing a soft kiss to Shane's hair. "We weren't as close and you and he were, but... I miss him too." Not half as much as she misses Mr. Phale and Mr. Crowley, though, and she immediately feels guilty for comparing the two. They were her friends, nothing more. Geoff was Shane's brother. There's no comparison... and yet, the fact that they're both hurting brings them closer. It's less lonely to hurt together.
Reaching up, Shane threads her fingers into Tara's hair, her other hand gently smoothing over her back as she nods. "And I miss R -- I miss Red," she says softly, voice catching. "And the kids." She purses her lips tightly before any more words can escape and buries her face in the crook of Tara's shoulder.
She's ripped Shane away from her home. Her room, her friends, her adopted family. She aches to tell Shane that CJ is here, that she hasn't lost all her family in the move - but CJ swore her to secrecy, and she has to trust her judgement on this one. All she can do is stroke Shane, love her. There's no point trying to avoid these memories, so she embraces them. "Tell me something about Red and the kids," she murmurs. "A memory. Something that made you smile." It'll hurt more, now, in the missing... but maybe it'll be a good hurt.
"I..." Shane's throat closes around the words as she lifts her head up a little to speak and she has to swallow hard around the knot in her throat before she can continue, her eyes welling with searing hot tears. "I remember .... the first time I heard Lux speak. I was ... standing there, talking to Red about something and Lux came up to me and ... and just started saying 'Dadda, Dadda'... I couldn't fucking believe it..."
"Oh, Shane..." Tara smiles at the image, though her own eyes fill with tears. She knows how much Shane identified with Castor and Pollux, especially given her own inability to have children, and to share some of their first words had to have been an amazing moment. "Precocious little thing, isn't he?" Isn't. Not wasn't. They're not dead, not gone. Just... very far away.
"Yeah," Shane says softly, voice cracking as she lets out a soft huff of laughter. "I... I really loved them a lot, you know?"
"I know," Tara replies. "They love you, too. And... who knows, baby. We've bumped into so many old friends here... maybe they'll wind up here, too. Maybe this is just the next place, for all of us, and we've just wound up here a little sooner than others. Making it ready, you know? So they've got open arms to run to, when their turn comes."
"Mm-hmm..." She doesn't trust her voice, anymore, so instead she simply hums her agreement and nods, both hands stroking soothing circles into Tara's back. A tear rolls down her cheek and she squeezes her eyes closed, just hanging on.
"Oh, my dearest," Tara murmurs, her own voice trembling faintly. She doesn't know what to say, though, and she falls silent, Shane's tears like sharp spikes through her gut. Her fault. Her choices, leading them inexorably here, one by one.
"Sorry..." Shane whispers hoarsely. "Sorrysorry... I'll... I'll stop talking about it... I promise..."
"No, baby," Tara pleads. "Don't hide from me. Don't hold it inside, it'll hurt more that way. I... I can't help, I can't do anything, but I'm here. I can listen. I can hold you."
"Just... just hold me... please," she murmurs. "Just keep holding me." Because what if they decide to call you back again...? I have to hang on so that I'll go, too... have to be there... can't let them take you...
Without letting go of Shane, Tara shuffles them the short distance to the couch, sitting down and bringing Shane firmly across her lip, cradled against her chest. "I'm not letting go," she swears. "I'm here. As long as you want me."
"Always," Shane whispers, resting her forehead against Tara's cheek, both arms winding around Tara's neck. "Always want you..."
"Then I'll always be here," Tara whispers back.
Drawing in a slow, slightly shaky breath, Shane lets her eyes close. "Doesn't it ever scare you?" She asks very softly.
"Does what scare me?" Tara asks, confused.
Shane's lips form the first word but it takes a moment for her to actually speak the ones in her mind. "M... me... needing you so much," she whispers.
"Never," Tara replies softly, stroking her hand over Shane's hair. "I need you just as much, Shane. I... I think that's the way it's supposed to work. You're my girl. I'm yours. It's... it's comforting. To be needed."
"Yeah... it is," Shane says, her own voice hushed as she settles her head onto Tara's shoulder, surrounding herself with the scent of Tara's skin and her hair. "You... you need me just as much?"
Tara nods slowly as she replies. "I do. Sometimes I think I need you more than blood, or breath. Like I'll die if you don't touch me. And that scares me, the power you have over me... but not the other way around. Not you needing me. That just... makes me proud."
"That's kind of how I feel," Shane says softly, nuzzling Tara's throat. "It... it just ... I haven't needed anyone -- really needed anyone -- in ... a long time. I just... sometimes I'm just afraid it's too much... you know, for you..."
"Don't be afraid," Tara replies, the faintest hint of a chuckle in her voice. "I can take all of you. All your need, all your love, all there is. I want it all. I'm... kind of greedy that way."
Lifting her head up, Shane nuzzles Tara's cheek tenderly. "Tell me... why you love me?" She asks softly, hesitantly. "Please?"
It's a hard question, not because she doesn't know why, but because the thoughts stumble and trip over each other, fighting for priority. "Because you would give anything, do anything, for those you love, and never think twice of the cost. Because you're so strong when it comes to everyone else, and so fragile within yourself. Because you know and love every inch of your skin, and you belong in it totally, and..." she squeezes Shane slightly, her voice gaining just a hint of seduction as she continues, "and so do I." Then, her tone returning to normal, she says, "because you see what's really there, what's really inside people... and you still manage to leave the house every day, still manage to look at a new person and see a friend you haven't met yet. Because you never let the shadows overwhelm you."
There's more, there's a lot more. She has a thousand reasons, each one as important as the others. "Because you believe in working for what you want, and if it was just handed to you, you wouldn't even believe in it. Because you have so much power, and you never abuse it. Because you shine so brightly, Shane."
Drawing her right arm from around Tara's neck, Shane reaches down and takes Tara's hand gently by the wrist and places her hand on her chest, over her heart, covering Tara's hand with her own. "You're my light," she whispers. "Do you know that? You're ... what helps keep the shadows from getting too close..."
Tara's smile is a little sad. "I'm bathed in light," she says softly. "No shadows, baby. Not while I'm here."
"What do you mean?" Shane asks softly, reaching up with her right hand to gently run her fingertips over Tara's cheek.
Tara turns her face into Shane's hand, dropping a kiss onto her palm. "Let me be your freedom," she sings softly. "Let me be your light... I'm here..." She doesn't want to explain the memories they raise.
"Tara..." she says very softly, not wanting to push, but at the same time, still not completely understanding what Tara had meant when she'd said she was bathed in light. Huddling a bit closer, she nuzzles Tara's cheek.
"It's not important," Tara whispers. "As long as I can keep your shadows away." She tries to keep her voice light, but her throat is tight, burning with the desire to cry and take solace in her wife - but Shane is hurting right now, and Tara's role is to comfort her, not the other way around.
"It's important if it hurts you, baby," Shane whispers back, gently stroking Tara's cheek. "Please...? Tell me? Let me help...?"
Closing her eyes for a moment, Tara lets out a long breath. "You... you remember I told you about Willow? And the spell she did, um, on my memory?"
"Yeah," she murmurs, hand still smoothing over Tara's skin.
Tara frets for a moment, not sure how much she should tell Shane. "There was a spell on the town. Kind of a curse, actually. Um, it turned the whole town into a musical, and... and it was just after Willow cast that spell on me." No, that doesn't sound like she ought to be locked up. She knows Shane will believe her, though. Pressing her lips together briefly, she sings quietly. "I'm bathed in light - something just isn't right. I'm under your spell..." she doesn't get any further before her throat closes over, choking off her shaky voice with a sob.
"Oh, Tara..." Shane whispers, her voice pained as she slips both of her arms around her neck again and gently draws her in closer.
"It's not... it's not important," Tara mumbles, burying her face in Shane's hair. "It just reminded me for a moment, is all."
"It is important," she insists, reaching up to smooth her hand over Tara's hair. "Anything that hurts you is important to me..."
"I'm glad I can drive your shadows away," she says, struggling to express her conflicted emotions. "That you're... that I can help you. Keep you safe. I just..." She doesn't know, so she doesn't finish. It's not rational.
"What...?" Shane whispers, voice hoarse.
"How can I drive your shadows away when I can hardly see my way out of my own?" Tara replies, a desperate whisper. "The best and brightest I've ever been was a lie."
"Oh, baby," Shane murmurs softly, resting her forehead against Tara's temple as she fits both of her arms around Tara's shoulders, holding her close. "You loved her. That wasn't a lie... that was never the lie..."
"I did," Tara replies. "I loved her so much, Shane. But I was a lie. Who I was, what was... inside me. She was what was inside me, and she was... broken. Dark. What she did to me... if she can to it, I can. And that... She was my light, and she hurt me. If I'm yours, how do I know I won't...?"
"Because she's not inside you anymore," she says quietly, certainty threading through her words and giving them weight and strength. "You're inside you and you're strong and beautiful and good, Tara... that's how I know..."
Tara clings to those words, as her arms cling to Shane, wishing she could wrap them around her. It's hard to believe. Anyone can take a turn for evil, under the right circumstances, and hurting Shane the way Willow hurt her is her biggest fear. But Shane sees inside people, the truth of what they are, and if Shane believes she is all those things, she can believe she is. For now. "I love you," she murmurs.
"I love you," Shane whispers back, pressing warm kisses to her cheek. "I believe in you, baby... I have faith in you..."
"That means so much," Tara says, her soft tones barely able to convey the desperate sincerity in her voice. "So much. I can't tell you..."
"You won't ever do the things she did... I know you -- you're not like that... you never were," she says softly between kisses as her hand strokes Tara's other cheek. "You know what's right. You always have... It's in your blood..."
No. I won't do that. I *won't*. And if I do... If I did, Shane would ask me to leave. She wouldn't let me hurt her that way. Even if I break, she's stronger than that. She accepts Shane's kisses gratefully, letting them sink into her skin like tiny points of light, driving away her shadows just as Shane said that Tara drove away hers. The way they can do this for one another - battle the darkness, give each other even just a few moment's respite... sometimes Tara thinks it is the greatest of all the gifts Shane brings her.
"You're my heart, Tara..." Shane whispers, each kiss more deliberate, each one lingering a bit longer than the last. "I can believe in you enough for the both of us... until you can believe it for yourself..."
Tara presses Shane's hand over her heart, fingers shaking only slightly. "You can. You do," she murmurs. "And I... I may not be able to believe in me, but can believe in you. So if you believe in me, I have to. I... I don't know if that makes sense...?"
"It does," she assures her softly, resting her head against Tara's. "I see you, baby... and you're so beautiful..."
"You make me feel beautiful," Tara replies, the touch of her free hand on Shane's back slowly relaxing from desperate into peaceful. "I like it when you see me." Which makes sense to Tara, at least.
Turning her head just slightly, Shane rests her cheek against Tara's, gently rubbing her own cheek against hers in an almost feline manner. "You are beautiful," she murmurs softly. Her voice drops in volume considerably, voice a low, deep whisper that only Tara could hear and only because the two of them are so close to one another. "And you're mine..."
"Yours," Tara sighs against Shane's cheek, eyes fluttering closed at the wonderfully caring touch. Shane's low rumble sounds almost like a purr, and she raises her hand to the back of Shane's head, scratching gently through the hair there, petting her much as she would Dexter, curled up asleep at the end of the couch.
A low moan of appreciation escapes from Shane's throat and it's about as close to a purr as a human being could get, still tenderly nuzzling Tara's cheek with her own. "Love you," she whispers softly.
Tara wraps her arms around Shane, resting hands on her wife's abdomen and chin on her shoulder. "It looks good," she murmurs, pleased by the softly twinkling lights amidst the green branches of their newly decorated Christmas tree, and the whimsical but wholly appropriate ornaments contributed by their guests. "Now all we need is presents underneath. Want to come shopping with me tomorrow?"
"Yeah, that'd be fun," Shane says softly, smiling as she places her hands atop Tara's, palms smoothing gently over the backs of Tara's hands. Several moments of comfortable silence pass. "It looks beautiful."
"I want to get some Mac&Cheese to go with Christmas dinner, as well," Tara says, nuzzling Shane's neck. "Faithling said it was a tradition for her, and... well, traditions are important, you know?"
"Yeah, yeah... yeah, we can do that," Shane agrees, nodding as she gently runs her thumbs over the backs of Tara's fingers. "My mom used to make me grape jelly sandwiches on Christmas morning... 'cause I'd be too amped up to eat, y'know?"
"We can do that, too," Tara replies, squeezing Shane a little tighter. "And maybe do reindeer gifts? My mom always bought me one... something silly to make me laugh, signed from one of Santa's reindeer."
Shane chuckles softly, squeezing Tara back as best she can from this angle, mesmerized by the gentle twinkling of the lights. "I... I wish Geoff was here," she says very softly.
"Couldn't we invite him?" Tara asks, just a hint of a plaintive edge to her voice. "I mean... why can't he come to visit?"
"Maybe... I -- I don't know... how things even work... the time," Shane murmurs, shaking her head. "I got a letter back from him already, Tara. I sent it out yesterday and I got one back today, postmarked almost three weeks ago."
"That's... oh." She bites her lip. "But if Ten... I mean, um, 'John' helped out?" It's useless, really. She doesn't understand enough of what is happening, but she knows Shane would rather have her whole family there for Christmas than any gift Tara could find her.
"Maybe he could," she says, nodding, though the resignation makes her voice sound leaden. Ducking her head, she pressing her lips together. "Sorry, I -- I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, love," Tara soothes, circling Shane to stand in front of her, bringing her into a proper hug. "He's your brother, and your best friend. You miss him. We'll just have to find a way to include him, even if he doesn't come. Maybe read a section of his poetry instead of 'The Night Before Christmas'."
"I do miss him," Shane says softly, her voice choked as she holds Tara back tightly. "I miss him so much, Tara." She knows she shouldn't do this... she shouldn't say these things because it might hurt Tara, but... the words tumble out before she can stop them. She knows it's not Tara's fault but she's still not convinced that Tara knows that, but still... she does miss him.
"I know," Tara murmurs, stroking her hand over Shane's back, roving circles over shoulderblades. "I know you do, baby. Letters just aren't the same." There's no way she can fix this, nothing she can do to take away Shane's pain, and she curses herself for her own helplessness.
Shane shakes her head wordlessly as she nestles her face into the hollow of Tara's shoulder, arms tightening around her just slightly. Taking a deep, hitching breath, she lets it out slowly. She'd told Tara that they'd make this work and they will... but there are some things that still hurt, even though she's been trying to make peace with what had happened. There's nothing else to do but that. It was her fault for not telling the Oracle to give them time. She'd fucked up and now they were dealing with the situation as best they could. Regrets are worth nothing if you don't do your best to move forward from the mistakes you've made. "Maybe I'll call Ten," she says softly, her voice barely a croak.
"I think that's a good idea," Tara replies, not loosening her hold on Shane. "And we know we can send letters now, right? So we're not completely cut off. You haven't lost him." Except she has, and Tara knows it. She can't hug Geoff, and that's what she needs.
"He -- he sent us presents," Shane whispers, voice going thin and shaky with emotion. "For Christmas. I... I told him about us. I'll... show you his letter... you should -- you should see it..."
"I'd like that," Tara murmurs, pressing a soft kiss to Shane's hair. "We weren't as close and you and he were, but... I miss him too." Not half as much as she misses Mr. Phale and Mr. Crowley, though, and she immediately feels guilty for comparing the two. They were her friends, nothing more. Geoff was Shane's brother. There's no comparison... and yet, the fact that they're both hurting brings them closer. It's less lonely to hurt together.
Reaching up, Shane threads her fingers into Tara's hair, her other hand gently smoothing over her back as she nods. "And I miss R -- I miss Red," she says softly, voice catching. "And the kids." She purses her lips tightly before any more words can escape and buries her face in the crook of Tara's shoulder.
She's ripped Shane away from her home. Her room, her friends, her adopted family. She aches to tell Shane that CJ is here, that she hasn't lost all her family in the move - but CJ swore her to secrecy, and she has to trust her judgement on this one. All she can do is stroke Shane, love her. There's no point trying to avoid these memories, so she embraces them. "Tell me something about Red and the kids," she murmurs. "A memory. Something that made you smile." It'll hurt more, now, in the missing... but maybe it'll be a good hurt.
"I..." Shane's throat closes around the words as she lifts her head up a little to speak and she has to swallow hard around the knot in her throat before she can continue, her eyes welling with searing hot tears. "I remember .... the first time I heard Lux speak. I was ... standing there, talking to Red about something and Lux came up to me and ... and just started saying 'Dadda, Dadda'... I couldn't fucking believe it..."
"Oh, Shane..." Tara smiles at the image, though her own eyes fill with tears. She knows how much Shane identified with Castor and Pollux, especially given her own inability to have children, and to share some of their first words had to have been an amazing moment. "Precocious little thing, isn't he?" Isn't. Not wasn't. They're not dead, not gone. Just... very far away.
"Yeah," Shane says softly, voice cracking as she lets out a soft huff of laughter. "I... I really loved them a lot, you know?"
"I know," Tara replies. "They love you, too. And... who knows, baby. We've bumped into so many old friends here... maybe they'll wind up here, too. Maybe this is just the next place, for all of us, and we've just wound up here a little sooner than others. Making it ready, you know? So they've got open arms to run to, when their turn comes."
"Mm-hmm..." She doesn't trust her voice, anymore, so instead she simply hums her agreement and nods, both hands stroking soothing circles into Tara's back. A tear rolls down her cheek and she squeezes her eyes closed, just hanging on.
"Oh, my dearest," Tara murmurs, her own voice trembling faintly. She doesn't know what to say, though, and she falls silent, Shane's tears like sharp spikes through her gut. Her fault. Her choices, leading them inexorably here, one by one.
"Sorry..." Shane whispers hoarsely. "Sorrysorry... I'll... I'll stop talking about it... I promise..."
"No, baby," Tara pleads. "Don't hide from me. Don't hold it inside, it'll hurt more that way. I... I can't help, I can't do anything, but I'm here. I can listen. I can hold you."
"Just... just hold me... please," she murmurs. "Just keep holding me." Because what if they decide to call you back again...? I have to hang on so that I'll go, too... have to be there... can't let them take you...
Without letting go of Shane, Tara shuffles them the short distance to the couch, sitting down and bringing Shane firmly across her lip, cradled against her chest. "I'm not letting go," she swears. "I'm here. As long as you want me."
"Always," Shane whispers, resting her forehead against Tara's cheek, both arms winding around Tara's neck. "Always want you..."
"Then I'll always be here," Tara whispers back.
Drawing in a slow, slightly shaky breath, Shane lets her eyes close. "Doesn't it ever scare you?" She asks very softly.
"Does what scare me?" Tara asks, confused.
Shane's lips form the first word but it takes a moment for her to actually speak the ones in her mind. "M... me... needing you so much," she whispers.
"Never," Tara replies softly, stroking her hand over Shane's hair. "I need you just as much, Shane. I... I think that's the way it's supposed to work. You're my girl. I'm yours. It's... it's comforting. To be needed."
"Yeah... it is," Shane says, her own voice hushed as she settles her head onto Tara's shoulder, surrounding herself with the scent of Tara's skin and her hair. "You... you need me just as much?"
Tara nods slowly as she replies. "I do. Sometimes I think I need you more than blood, or breath. Like I'll die if you don't touch me. And that scares me, the power you have over me... but not the other way around. Not you needing me. That just... makes me proud."
"That's kind of how I feel," Shane says softly, nuzzling Tara's throat. "It... it just ... I haven't needed anyone -- really needed anyone -- in ... a long time. I just... sometimes I'm just afraid it's too much... you know, for you..."
"Don't be afraid," Tara replies, the faintest hint of a chuckle in her voice. "I can take all of you. All your need, all your love, all there is. I want it all. I'm... kind of greedy that way."
Lifting her head up, Shane nuzzles Tara's cheek tenderly. "Tell me... why you love me?" She asks softly, hesitantly. "Please?"
It's a hard question, not because she doesn't know why, but because the thoughts stumble and trip over each other, fighting for priority. "Because you would give anything, do anything, for those you love, and never think twice of the cost. Because you're so strong when it comes to everyone else, and so fragile within yourself. Because you know and love every inch of your skin, and you belong in it totally, and..." she squeezes Shane slightly, her voice gaining just a hint of seduction as she continues, "and so do I." Then, her tone returning to normal, she says, "because you see what's really there, what's really inside people... and you still manage to leave the house every day, still manage to look at a new person and see a friend you haven't met yet. Because you never let the shadows overwhelm you."
There's more, there's a lot more. She has a thousand reasons, each one as important as the others. "Because you believe in working for what you want, and if it was just handed to you, you wouldn't even believe in it. Because you have so much power, and you never abuse it. Because you shine so brightly, Shane."
Drawing her right arm from around Tara's neck, Shane reaches down and takes Tara's hand gently by the wrist and places her hand on her chest, over her heart, covering Tara's hand with her own. "You're my light," she whispers. "Do you know that? You're ... what helps keep the shadows from getting too close..."
Tara's smile is a little sad. "I'm bathed in light," she says softly. "No shadows, baby. Not while I'm here."
"What do you mean?" Shane asks softly, reaching up with her right hand to gently run her fingertips over Tara's cheek.
Tara turns her face into Shane's hand, dropping a kiss onto her palm. "Let me be your freedom," she sings softly. "Let me be your light... I'm here..." She doesn't want to explain the memories they raise.
"Tara..." she says very softly, not wanting to push, but at the same time, still not completely understanding what Tara had meant when she'd said she was bathed in light. Huddling a bit closer, she nuzzles Tara's cheek.
"It's not important," Tara whispers. "As long as I can keep your shadows away." She tries to keep her voice light, but her throat is tight, burning with the desire to cry and take solace in her wife - but Shane is hurting right now, and Tara's role is to comfort her, not the other way around.
"It's important if it hurts you, baby," Shane whispers back, gently stroking Tara's cheek. "Please...? Tell me? Let me help...?"
Closing her eyes for a moment, Tara lets out a long breath. "You... you remember I told you about Willow? And the spell she did, um, on my memory?"
"Yeah," she murmurs, hand still smoothing over Tara's skin.
Tara frets for a moment, not sure how much she should tell Shane. "There was a spell on the town. Kind of a curse, actually. Um, it turned the whole town into a musical, and... and it was just after Willow cast that spell on me." No, that doesn't sound like she ought to be locked up. She knows Shane will believe her, though. Pressing her lips together briefly, she sings quietly. "I'm bathed in light - something just isn't right. I'm under your spell..." she doesn't get any further before her throat closes over, choking off her shaky voice with a sob.
"Oh, Tara..." Shane whispers, her voice pained as she slips both of her arms around her neck again and gently draws her in closer.
"It's not... it's not important," Tara mumbles, burying her face in Shane's hair. "It just reminded me for a moment, is all."
"It is important," she insists, reaching up to smooth her hand over Tara's hair. "Anything that hurts you is important to me..."
"I'm glad I can drive your shadows away," she says, struggling to express her conflicted emotions. "That you're... that I can help you. Keep you safe. I just..." She doesn't know, so she doesn't finish. It's not rational.
"What...?" Shane whispers, voice hoarse.
"How can I drive your shadows away when I can hardly see my way out of my own?" Tara replies, a desperate whisper. "The best and brightest I've ever been was a lie."
"Oh, baby," Shane murmurs softly, resting her forehead against Tara's temple as she fits both of her arms around Tara's shoulders, holding her close. "You loved her. That wasn't a lie... that was never the lie..."
"I did," Tara replies. "I loved her so much, Shane. But I was a lie. Who I was, what was... inside me. She was what was inside me, and she was... broken. Dark. What she did to me... if she can to it, I can. And that... She was my light, and she hurt me. If I'm yours, how do I know I won't...?"
"Because she's not inside you anymore," she says quietly, certainty threading through her words and giving them weight and strength. "You're inside you and you're strong and beautiful and good, Tara... that's how I know..."
Tara clings to those words, as her arms cling to Shane, wishing she could wrap them around her. It's hard to believe. Anyone can take a turn for evil, under the right circumstances, and hurting Shane the way Willow hurt her is her biggest fear. But Shane sees inside people, the truth of what they are, and if Shane believes she is all those things, she can believe she is. For now. "I love you," she murmurs.
"I love you," Shane whispers back, pressing warm kisses to her cheek. "I believe in you, baby... I have faith in you..."
"That means so much," Tara says, her soft tones barely able to convey the desperate sincerity in her voice. "So much. I can't tell you..."
"You won't ever do the things she did... I know you -- you're not like that... you never were," she says softly between kisses as her hand strokes Tara's other cheek. "You know what's right. You always have... It's in your blood..."
No. I won't do that. I *won't*. And if I do... If I did, Shane would ask me to leave. She wouldn't let me hurt her that way. Even if I break, she's stronger than that. She accepts Shane's kisses gratefully, letting them sink into her skin like tiny points of light, driving away her shadows just as Shane said that Tara drove away hers. The way they can do this for one another - battle the darkness, give each other even just a few moment's respite... sometimes Tara thinks it is the greatest of all the gifts Shane brings her.
"You're my heart, Tara..." Shane whispers, each kiss more deliberate, each one lingering a bit longer than the last. "I can believe in you enough for the both of us... until you can believe it for yourself..."
Tara presses Shane's hand over her heart, fingers shaking only slightly. "You can. You do," she murmurs. "And I... I may not be able to believe in me, but can believe in you. So if you believe in me, I have to. I... I don't know if that makes sense...?"
"It does," she assures her softly, resting her head against Tara's. "I see you, baby... and you're so beautiful..."
"You make me feel beautiful," Tara replies, the touch of her free hand on Shane's back slowly relaxing from desperate into peaceful. "I like it when you see me." Which makes sense to Tara, at least.
Turning her head just slightly, Shane rests her cheek against Tara's, gently rubbing her own cheek against hers in an almost feline manner. "You are beautiful," she murmurs softly. Her voice drops in volume considerably, voice a low, deep whisper that only Tara could hear and only because the two of them are so close to one another. "And you're mine..."
"Yours," Tara sighs against Shane's cheek, eyes fluttering closed at the wonderfully caring touch. Shane's low rumble sounds almost like a purr, and she raises her hand to the back of Shane's head, scratching gently through the hair there, petting her much as she would Dexter, curled up asleep at the end of the couch.
A low moan of appreciation escapes from Shane's throat and it's about as close to a purr as a human being could get, still tenderly nuzzling Tara's cheek with her own. "Love you," she whispers softly.