Mad, mad plans
Still haven't started training yet, although I did call the bank yesterday to discover that the check I wrote was cashed on Tuesday, which means... oh, I don't know what the Hell that means. It means I'm kinda pissed off. It's been like two friggin' weeks already. Come on, people. Just because I'm an insignificant speck of dust in the greater cosmos doesn't mean that my $250 isn't good enough to be dealt with at greater-than-molasses speeds.
I was kind of waiting on getting through, or at least started with this training thing before really going forward with other crazy plans. But I have not discussed my other crazy plans in this space, so I suppose I'll do that now. As of this week, I'm making my attempt to attend Angelo State University, which would be in San Angelo, TX, which would be where Alexis is. There's multiple reasons for this, so let's get to them.
First off, I am aware that I do not necessarily need to go to college to get a career. I am also aware that attending college costs a fucking huge assload of money, which is something that I don't have. However, it is not so much that I feel I need to go back to school, as it is that I want to. I've been pretty much a gigantic fucking failure ever since my last year of high school, thanks mostly to depression, misdiagnosed ADHD, and my natural penchant for laziness. I have attended college, community college, and technical college, but at those times I mostly felt like I was just "going through the motions" that were expected of me, and, with the exception of a few classes here and there, I never really felt connected to any of my alleged "higher education." I'm not sure how I managed to graduate from ITT with the pathetic work ethic I displayed there. The only classes I didn't fuck up were the ones that I had genuine interest in; and in these classes, I did exceptionally well. Such an odd record; a D, three C's, and an A+. Now that I'm slightly less of a moron and an emokid, and I have at least some idea what I might actually want to, and be able to do, as opposed to having an idea of what "might be kinda cool to do," I feel like giving it another shot. I feel like trying it for real this time. I want to prove to myself and to the academic community that I can attend one of their institutions and kick it's fucking ass, and pilfer it's shiny treasures. I know I have the potential; what remains to be seen is if I can rise to meet it.
Hmm... I've been cursing more than usual recently. I need to keep an eye on that.
So, that explains why I want to go back to school. But why Texas? Why in the world would I want to deal with the difficulty of attending college out of state when there are a number of fine learning institutions at my own back door? A fine question; and the answer is threefold. Well, two-and-a-half-fold. First, ASU is a pretty good place with not-unreasonable tuition (relative to Texas, anyway) and a respectable English department. But once agin, I can find that here. I don't intend to stay there for the duration of my degree, but I can certainly put a good dent in it. The second reason is that I am ready to get out of this house. Living at home with mom and dad is way too easy. They're supportive and accommodating, and I'm grateful for that, but it's just too much. I mean, I don't do jack, and yet I'm sitting here typing out an LJ entry on my fancy computer, in my comfy-cozy air conditioned room, watching TV on a 27" screen. It's so damn easy to not do a damn thing here, just because I can. It's not healthy. I need to push myself to succeed, and that means stepping out of my comfort zone, and actually having to work to survive like everyone else. I'm not getting any younger.
Now we come to the third and most complex reason: Alexis. I'd be lying if I said she wasn't the primary reason I'm interested in ASU. Yea... I'm not even sure where to start explaining this. I know it's "over," as it were. I know that that is largely, if not entirely my fault. It was a decision on her part. This whole thing feels like a miniature divorce for me. I'm not a big fan of that institution, and I don't want to admit that we just couldn't make it work. I have my problems, certainly, and so does she, but I do not believe that the hurdles that faced our relationship were high enough to warrant the dissolution of the profound connection between us. I know I'm right, to some degree, because despite everything that has transpired, we are still dear to one another. When the break-up occurred, I had convinced my emo self that I would be okay as long as she was happy, even if she found someone else. But you know what? The Hell with that. This whole thing with me being over here, and her being over there, and this Tom guy taking the job that I want... that's not good enough for me. If I'm going to be happy, I have to be content too, and I can't be truly happy without love. That's not a universal fact for humanity or anything, it's just the way I am. Now, I don't expect that I will just show up and be my adorable self and she'll suddenly remember why she fell for me in the first place and we'll live happily ever after. It doesn't work like that. It is entirely possible, perhaps even probable, that that ship has sailed off for good and will never return to port. Perhaps Tom is doing a better job than I did, or than I even could. If I were not addicted to love, I could probably accept that. However, the possibility for love exists, however minute you may argue that it is, and as such I feel compelled to pursue it with my full vigor. I'm always talking about how love is so important, and for once I don't actually hate myself too much to put my money where my mouth is.
This all probably sounds really romantic and/or really stupid, but that's the way it is. I got too close to Alexis to let her go without a fight. I have shared things with her that I haven't even shared with God. She's helped me, directly and indirectly, get over a number of the things that I was doing to emotionally torture myself. She has been one of the most influential people towards my development as a person, and is probably the most important among people I'm not related to. Not bad considering that we've only been really close for a little over a year. Come what may, she is a part of me, and it will be good to be close to her. Even if it is not good enough, it will be better than the way things are now. I feel like this is an issue I need to get past, one way or the other, if I am going to love again, and we've already addressed the fact that I have to be able to love someone to be happy. Not just content, but truly happy. I can live with just being content, but why should I have to?
So... yea. That's the plan. Feel free to tell me what a fantastic/terrible idea this all is. I could really use some input. And if you happen to have a spare hojillion dollars lying around, I could really use some of that, too. Some of you may feel that this is entirely too much effort to put forth for one woman, and to those people I award a smack in the face. This is nowhere near too much effort for a good woman. She may not be perfect, but neither am I, and neither is anyone else. It is the little imperfections in people that make them truly interesting and endearing. Besides that, this is not entirely based around her anyway. Love is not the only thing I want out of life, you know. It's just way, way up on the list.
I was kind of waiting on getting through, or at least started with this training thing before really going forward with other crazy plans. But I have not discussed my other crazy plans in this space, so I suppose I'll do that now. As of this week, I'm making my attempt to attend Angelo State University, which would be in San Angelo, TX, which would be where Alexis is. There's multiple reasons for this, so let's get to them.
First off, I am aware that I do not necessarily need to go to college to get a career. I am also aware that attending college costs a fucking huge assload of money, which is something that I don't have. However, it is not so much that I feel I need to go back to school, as it is that I want to. I've been pretty much a gigantic fucking failure ever since my last year of high school, thanks mostly to depression, misdiagnosed ADHD, and my natural penchant for laziness. I have attended college, community college, and technical college, but at those times I mostly felt like I was just "going through the motions" that were expected of me, and, with the exception of a few classes here and there, I never really felt connected to any of my alleged "higher education." I'm not sure how I managed to graduate from ITT with the pathetic work ethic I displayed there. The only classes I didn't fuck up were the ones that I had genuine interest in; and in these classes, I did exceptionally well. Such an odd record; a D, three C's, and an A+. Now that I'm slightly less of a moron and an emokid, and I have at least some idea what I might actually want to, and be able to do, as opposed to having an idea of what "might be kinda cool to do," I feel like giving it another shot. I feel like trying it for real this time. I want to prove to myself and to the academic community that I can attend one of their institutions and kick it's fucking ass, and pilfer it's shiny treasures. I know I have the potential; what remains to be seen is if I can rise to meet it.
Hmm... I've been cursing more than usual recently. I need to keep an eye on that.
So, that explains why I want to go back to school. But why Texas? Why in the world would I want to deal with the difficulty of attending college out of state when there are a number of fine learning institutions at my own back door? A fine question; and the answer is threefold. Well, two-and-a-half-fold. First, ASU is a pretty good place with not-unreasonable tuition (relative to Texas, anyway) and a respectable English department. But once agin, I can find that here. I don't intend to stay there for the duration of my degree, but I can certainly put a good dent in it. The second reason is that I am ready to get out of this house. Living at home with mom and dad is way too easy. They're supportive and accommodating, and I'm grateful for that, but it's just too much. I mean, I don't do jack, and yet I'm sitting here typing out an LJ entry on my fancy computer, in my comfy-cozy air conditioned room, watching TV on a 27" screen. It's so damn easy to not do a damn thing here, just because I can. It's not healthy. I need to push myself to succeed, and that means stepping out of my comfort zone, and actually having to work to survive like everyone else. I'm not getting any younger.
Now we come to the third and most complex reason: Alexis. I'd be lying if I said she wasn't the primary reason I'm interested in ASU. Yea... I'm not even sure where to start explaining this. I know it's "over," as it were. I know that that is largely, if not entirely my fault. It was a decision on her part. This whole thing feels like a miniature divorce for me. I'm not a big fan of that institution, and I don't want to admit that we just couldn't make it work. I have my problems, certainly, and so does she, but I do not believe that the hurdles that faced our relationship were high enough to warrant the dissolution of the profound connection between us. I know I'm right, to some degree, because despite everything that has transpired, we are still dear to one another. When the break-up occurred, I had convinced my emo self that I would be okay as long as she was happy, even if she found someone else. But you know what? The Hell with that. This whole thing with me being over here, and her being over there, and this Tom guy taking the job that I want... that's not good enough for me. If I'm going to be happy, I have to be content too, and I can't be truly happy without love. That's not a universal fact for humanity or anything, it's just the way I am. Now, I don't expect that I will just show up and be my adorable self and she'll suddenly remember why she fell for me in the first place and we'll live happily ever after. It doesn't work like that. It is entirely possible, perhaps even probable, that that ship has sailed off for good and will never return to port. Perhaps Tom is doing a better job than I did, or than I even could. If I were not addicted to love, I could probably accept that. However, the possibility for love exists, however minute you may argue that it is, and as such I feel compelled to pursue it with my full vigor. I'm always talking about how love is so important, and for once I don't actually hate myself too much to put my money where my mouth is.
This all probably sounds really romantic and/or really stupid, but that's the way it is. I got too close to Alexis to let her go without a fight. I have shared things with her that I haven't even shared with God. She's helped me, directly and indirectly, get over a number of the things that I was doing to emotionally torture myself. She has been one of the most influential people towards my development as a person, and is probably the most important among people I'm not related to. Not bad considering that we've only been really close for a little over a year. Come what may, she is a part of me, and it will be good to be close to her. Even if it is not good enough, it will be better than the way things are now. I feel like this is an issue I need to get past, one way or the other, if I am going to love again, and we've already addressed the fact that I have to be able to love someone to be happy. Not just content, but truly happy. I can live with just being content, but why should I have to?
So... yea. That's the plan. Feel free to tell me what a fantastic/terrible idea this all is. I could really use some input. And if you happen to have a spare hojillion dollars lying around, I could really use some of that, too. Some of you may feel that this is entirely too much effort to put forth for one woman, and to those people I award a smack in the face. This is nowhere near too much effort for a good woman. She may not be perfect, but neither am I, and neither is anyone else. It is the little imperfections in people that make them truly interesting and endearing. Besides that, this is not entirely based around her anyway. Love is not the only thing I want out of life, you know. It's just way, way up on the list.