But not a real green dress, that's cruel.
... ever been so in love with someone that you can't feel good about saying "I love you"? Does it ever leave you feeling just a little empty because it just doesn't do your feelings justice? That's a weird feeling.
... yea.
Alexis and I had a big beefy conversation last night. Mostly about me and why I'm so fucked up, and partially about how it's not so bad 'cause everyone is fucked up in one way or another, but mostly about me. She really has a gift for helping me put things in perspective. I've got lots of stuff in my head, but she's better at organizing it than I am. Sometimes I feel like I have an unfair advantage in that regard, because I don't seem to be as effective at helping her sort through her emotions as she is at helping me with mine. I suppose part of it is because most of her emotional baggage is social, whereas mine is almost entirely internal. I inflict pain upon myself, whereas it's mostly other people that inflict pain upon Alexis. I'm not good with conflict. I tend to just say "fuck 'em," but that's not a realistic perspective. It doesn't help that the majority of her issues are attached to her family. They're kind of permanent. She's so good to me... I just want to be able to reciprocate in kind. I need to work on my counseling skills. I'm really good at "being there," but that kind of requires... you know... being there. Words are my only long-range artillery. You really have to know what you're doing to get the desired effect out of those things.
*sigh*
This is going to be a rough week for me. Not getting to chat with Alexis much, or at all, wanting to ease her pain, not enthusiastic about commentary from her family... Hopefully she'll check in with Em occasionally, which would mean I'd be able to check up on her via Em. That or send me some email. It'll be nice, though, going back up there in July and seeing what a change the surgery has made in her life, and hopefully, her self-image.
... I'm praying for her. This is a big scary thing for her.
... yea.
Alexis and I had a big beefy conversation last night. Mostly about me and why I'm so fucked up, and partially about how it's not so bad 'cause everyone is fucked up in one way or another, but mostly about me. She really has a gift for helping me put things in perspective. I've got lots of stuff in my head, but she's better at organizing it than I am. Sometimes I feel like I have an unfair advantage in that regard, because I don't seem to be as effective at helping her sort through her emotions as she is at helping me with mine. I suppose part of it is because most of her emotional baggage is social, whereas mine is almost entirely internal. I inflict pain upon myself, whereas it's mostly other people that inflict pain upon Alexis. I'm not good with conflict. I tend to just say "fuck 'em," but that's not a realistic perspective. It doesn't help that the majority of her issues are attached to her family. They're kind of permanent. She's so good to me... I just want to be able to reciprocate in kind. I need to work on my counseling skills. I'm really good at "being there," but that kind of requires... you know... being there. Words are my only long-range artillery. You really have to know what you're doing to get the desired effect out of those things.
*sigh*
This is going to be a rough week for me. Not getting to chat with Alexis much, or at all, wanting to ease her pain, not enthusiastic about commentary from her family... Hopefully she'll check in with Em occasionally, which would mean I'd be able to check up on her via Em. That or send me some email. It'll be nice, though, going back up there in July and seeing what a change the surgery has made in her life, and hopefully, her self-image.
... I'm praying for her. This is a big scary thing for her.