Still not gone, though somewhat dormant.
The good things I posted about in the last entry have given me months of freedom; to re-examine myself, to discover once again what I want and what makes me happy.
The new year gave me some fantastic ideas about how to use this freedom, and about what might make me happy.
Being Single. I'm not against romance if it crops up but there has been a weird trend among the folks I know lately to try and get me into the dating scene, set me up, or otherwise matchmake. I hadn't really shut it down (though I hadn't encouraged it either) because I needed to figure out myself first. And so I figured it out: being single is not just an incidental occurrence, unrelated to how good I am feeling. It is instrumental, perhaps even required, to my happiness right now. I spent five years trying to balance my time between all the people I've committed to. Now that I'm single, I have enough time for those people and for me too. I'm not saying I'll never be in a place to start a new relationship, but I've got to make up for all that lost time.
Style. The last time I found an actual "real clothes" style (not costume style) that felt like mine was in high school. I dressed like a hippie; bellbottoms and fringed vests and free-flying hair just seemed to fit in with my personal aesthetic. I'm not that person anymore, but I remember what it felt like to have a style sense. (Maybe not one that anyone else liked, but still) Since then I feel like I've been floating through a sea of "oh, this is pretty I guess."
Until this:
I can't even tell you how beautiful I felt. Not just beautiful, but like...this was how I was supposed to look. That in some regards, this was how I pictured myself. Obviously I can't go full-on flapper for normal daywear, but I absolutely think the design aesthetic of the era is something I'd like to pursue...especially with regards to makeup and dress shaping. I've already got a plan to alter a sequined dress I bought from the thrift store (it's hideous, but the sequins and beading are beautiful and I think I can make something awesome). But I feel like it would be fairly easy to whip up some simple drop-waist dresses for everyday wear too.
I don't expect I'll cut my hair, but I might try some styles that make it look shorter than it is. I loved the wave curls in front.
Burlesque. In some ways, this is probably the big one. I've been enamored of burlesque since I was, I don't know, 12ish? and I caught part of a Bette Midler number on TV. To my disappointment, my cousins insisted on changing the channel, but it's stuck with me. When the burlesque revival started getting some attention, I watched everything I could find online. One of the first things I watched on Netflix was "A Wink and a Smile," a documentary following several women taking a burlesque class. Dirty Martini is, IMHO, about the sexiest woman anywhere. I don't think anyone really knows about this fascination; how do you tell people you're obsessed with burlesque and not sound kinda creepy?
Anyway, there have been a lot of reasons I've never considered doing burlesque myself. Time, other people's expectations, my own insecurities. It wasn't even as advanced as "No, I can't do it!" I literally never considered it as a possibility. And suddenly, a few days after Christmas, it occurred to me: there is absolutely no reason in the world that I can't.
So...well...I signed up for a workshop put on by Cin City Burlesque in February. From there, we'll see--I'm hoping it will get me in a position to find out about more classes. I've always loved to dance (though I am not a natural at it, and it takes lots of practice for me to do it right) and to perform. I don't know if I can get good enough to actually join a troupe, but if I don't pursue it, I won't ever know. It ties in to the style thing, as well--assuming I do get good enough to perform, I think I'd really like to develop some sort of flapper-themed persona. Thinking about having a burlesque persona makes me so giddy I can't help but think that this is something I should go after.
So um...yes. That's where I am in 2012.
The new year gave me some fantastic ideas about how to use this freedom, and about what might make me happy.
Being Single. I'm not against romance if it crops up but there has been a weird trend among the folks I know lately to try and get me into the dating scene, set me up, or otherwise matchmake. I hadn't really shut it down (though I hadn't encouraged it either) because I needed to figure out myself first. And so I figured it out: being single is not just an incidental occurrence, unrelated to how good I am feeling. It is instrumental, perhaps even required, to my happiness right now. I spent five years trying to balance my time between all the people I've committed to. Now that I'm single, I have enough time for those people and for me too. I'm not saying I'll never be in a place to start a new relationship, but I've got to make up for all that lost time.
Style. The last time I found an actual "real clothes" style (not costume style) that felt like mine was in high school. I dressed like a hippie; bellbottoms and fringed vests and free-flying hair just seemed to fit in with my personal aesthetic. I'm not that person anymore, but I remember what it felt like to have a style sense. (Maybe not one that anyone else liked, but still) Since then I feel like I've been floating through a sea of "oh, this is pretty I guess."
Until this:
I can't even tell you how beautiful I felt. Not just beautiful, but like...this was how I was supposed to look. That in some regards, this was how I pictured myself. Obviously I can't go full-on flapper for normal daywear, but I absolutely think the design aesthetic of the era is something I'd like to pursue...especially with regards to makeup and dress shaping. I've already got a plan to alter a sequined dress I bought from the thrift store (it's hideous, but the sequins and beading are beautiful and I think I can make something awesome). But I feel like it would be fairly easy to whip up some simple drop-waist dresses for everyday wear too.
I don't expect I'll cut my hair, but I might try some styles that make it look shorter than it is. I loved the wave curls in front.
Burlesque. In some ways, this is probably the big one. I've been enamored of burlesque since I was, I don't know, 12ish? and I caught part of a Bette Midler number on TV. To my disappointment, my cousins insisted on changing the channel, but it's stuck with me. When the burlesque revival started getting some attention, I watched everything I could find online. One of the first things I watched on Netflix was "A Wink and a Smile," a documentary following several women taking a burlesque class. Dirty Martini is, IMHO, about the sexiest woman anywhere. I don't think anyone really knows about this fascination; how do you tell people you're obsessed with burlesque and not sound kinda creepy?
Anyway, there have been a lot of reasons I've never considered doing burlesque myself. Time, other people's expectations, my own insecurities. It wasn't even as advanced as "No, I can't do it!" I literally never considered it as a possibility. And suddenly, a few days after Christmas, it occurred to me: there is absolutely no reason in the world that I can't.
So...well...I signed up for a workshop put on by Cin City Burlesque in February. From there, we'll see--I'm hoping it will get me in a position to find out about more classes. I've always loved to dance (though I am not a natural at it, and it takes lots of practice for me to do it right) and to perform. I don't know if I can get good enough to actually join a troupe, but if I don't pursue it, I won't ever know. It ties in to the style thing, as well--assuming I do get good enough to perform, I think I'd really like to develop some sort of flapper-themed persona. Thinking about having a burlesque persona makes me so giddy I can't help but think that this is something I should go after.
So um...yes. That's where I am in 2012.