i'm sure there's a point to this somewhere in here.
NIN The Fragile was my life when I was 16. It surprises me to look back and see the lyrics I thought defined everything about me at that time. This song in particular, Somewhat Damaged, was my personal anthem:
broken bruised forgotten sore
too fucked up to care anymore
poisoned to my rotten core
too fucked up to care anymore
I was so angry and I felt so alone all the time. And even though sixteen year old me had every reason to feel that way, now that I'm six years separated from her, I can see small pockets of love that I dismissed as pure oppression. I compromised so much about myself just to feel like someone, anyone cared enough about me to think twice. I purposefully put myself in damaging situations - I drank whatever, smoked whatever, swallowed any pill handed to me, and I was dangerously promiscuous. I was desperate to feel something normal, to have just one person listen to all of the pain I compressed inside, to know everything I was and what I was capable of, to roll up my sleeves and see where I made myself bleed and care enough to know that I was crying for help. It was a debilitating loneliness.
I am a different person than I was at 16. But six years away can't erase sixteen years of feeling worthless. I still carry some of those traits with me: I cling to people who I know love me now, terrified that they, like my parents, will simply walk away, or give up, or stop caring; I still compromise my own personality to make myself seem likeable; I am not comfortable in my own skin. These things are still there, but the difference is that now I can see them. And because I can see them, I can work on loving and accepting myself instead of dismissing that as impossible.
I wish I had the ability to reach out and touch the people that feel now like I felt then. It's so important to know how crucial your life is and how cherished you are, no matter if you can feel it or not. You are loved more and worth more than you could imagine, more than I can put into words, more than you feel, more than you have been told.
broken bruised forgotten sore
too fucked up to care anymore
poisoned to my rotten core
too fucked up to care anymore
I was so angry and I felt so alone all the time. And even though sixteen year old me had every reason to feel that way, now that I'm six years separated from her, I can see small pockets of love that I dismissed as pure oppression. I compromised so much about myself just to feel like someone, anyone cared enough about me to think twice. I purposefully put myself in damaging situations - I drank whatever, smoked whatever, swallowed any pill handed to me, and I was dangerously promiscuous. I was desperate to feel something normal, to have just one person listen to all of the pain I compressed inside, to know everything I was and what I was capable of, to roll up my sleeves and see where I made myself bleed and care enough to know that I was crying for help. It was a debilitating loneliness.
I am a different person than I was at 16. But six years away can't erase sixteen years of feeling worthless. I still carry some of those traits with me: I cling to people who I know love me now, terrified that they, like my parents, will simply walk away, or give up, or stop caring; I still compromise my own personality to make myself seem likeable; I am not comfortable in my own skin. These things are still there, but the difference is that now I can see them. And because I can see them, I can work on loving and accepting myself instead of dismissing that as impossible.
I wish I had the ability to reach out and touch the people that feel now like I felt then. It's so important to know how crucial your life is and how cherished you are, no matter if you can feel it or not. You are loved more and worth more than you could imagine, more than I can put into words, more than you feel, more than you have been told.