Dec 14, 2006 10:33
So here I am. I have officially finished classes from my first semester at college and I figured that it would be a nice time to just sit back and reflect. I want to remember all of the feelings I have one day. I guess there are two major themes of my life right now. They are college and my love life. I will start with college. I am a freshman at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. Coming here may have been the smartest decision of my life. I can't believe all of the close friends that I have made that I know will last me a lifetime. My roommate is from California but we get along really really well. I couldn't have asked for a better situation. We like a lot of the same things and we are both easy going. My classes are alright this year. My goal was the get straight A's and if I don't achieve it, I will be pretty close. This to me is incredible when I think back to how my mind was in the toilet for the last two months. But that's a story for later. I have begun going to the gym with Nick Dipilla and doing crunches a lot. It is really cool that I can see a huge improvement. Like I am nowhere near where I want to be, but I would go as far as to say my body is slightly tone right now. That is definitely something my next girl is going to go crazy over. haha I just need to keep up the exercise. I have matured as a person away at school. I am more grown-up. I can see it in the way I talk and act and think. Everyone will experience it once they have been living on their own for a while. And honestly, I truly feel that I have become a better person these last four months. My main goal over the next two years is basically to find my passion. I need to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I know there is something out there, I just have to find it. (Now I am going to try to make a cool segway to the second half of the journal :-) )
Coming into college I didn't know what I wanted to do in life. But what I did know is that I was hoping to spend it with Jess Downer. Just go back and look at past journal entries to see what things with me and her were like. I think to give a complete story as to what happened I will go back to the to the beginning of summer. As school got out, we were completely, deeply in love. We couldn't get enough of each other. Every moment of every day was happy for the both of us, just knowing the other was in it. We were tim and jess. Every person on the face of this Earth wanted our relationship and was jealous of it. This was six months ago. Then summer happened. I went to California, came home sick for a few days and then went to my Umass orientation so I didn't actually see her for about two weeks. Then when got back I decided to take a job that worked me 8-5 on monday through friday and then I worked at Park N Shop 1 day on the weekend and 1-2 week nights. My life was crazy. Jess, meanwhile was home all the time and didn't have anything to do. Even on the nights that I could see her, she often had a softball game that I would go watch. I loved those games, but the fact is that we didn't talk during them. We just didn't see each other enough so our perfection seemed to start getting lost. Then in the middle of July, Jess got into an incident and got grounded. So now on top of everything, I couldn't even see her for a long time and I had to leave her house by 9 after that period was over. This dragged on into August severely hurting the time we were together. August consisted of me being totally preoccupied with college and I even went to New York City for a little bit. Anxiety of college took over for me. Then, like 2/3 of the way through august, jess made a mistake that I was never able to forgive at the time. It became the source of almost all of our fights. I will never believe otherwise, because looking back it was always brought back up. It is weird, I didn't realize how apart we were over the summer and writing this I realized something. Jess and I didn't become unhappy being together, we actually became unhappy being apart!! So anyway, I went off to college and stayed up there for the first two weekends which ends up being like three weeks apart. I did try to see her every weekend afterwards, but my mom threw a fit if I didn't go see her too, so the few hours I would go home for was cut in half, ruining the short time we did have together. Cmon, who would be happy in this type of situation? NOBODY. Then we broke up and we still fought. I will hold for the rest of my life that we fought because once again, we weren't together anymore. You should have heard all the people who were shocked because we were supposed to be together "forever." As I write this, I told Jess that we shouldn't talk anymore which to my suprise, she was more than happy to accept. Jess has "moved on" as she likes to say. What does that even mean? How can you just "move on" from everything that we had? See the thing about her is that she is able to just forget about things. I am not saying she will forget about us, rather I am claiming she will forget about the love we have. It is much easier to say we no longer have love so I don't blame her for doing it. It makes life much easier to live. I know things with other people will feel "right" and that we will both fall for others, but how is she able to just deny the special connection that we have? It goes deeper than boyfriend/girlfriend and love. That's right, I said it goes deeper than love. Now she wants to be friends. Is she really able to just be friends with me? I think our break-up has proven that we get along beautifully as bf/gf but it is weird for us to be friends. It feels like something is off. I have seen her a few times, and it has all been weird except once. That one time we admitted feelings. That one time wasn't memories. It was the realness that we were allowing to happen. The funny thing about people's minds as that we shape our own reality. So I guess to sum up, things couldn't keep going on the way they were. Something had to change, and a break-up was the only logical thing. I have accepted that. But we weren't unhappy because we were together, we were unhappy because we weren't together in all ways except name. To the issue of friends, I am not sure if I can ever be purely friends with her. There will always be that something between us. To the often asked question of do you ever see the two of you getting together in the future, I say nobody can predict the future. I also would also say that it is not impossible if we were ever to be near each other and allow our feelings out. But one has to live their life in the present, not the future.
To Jess (I figure you probably will read this at one point) I hope this gave a balanced perspective on us. I really tried to be honest. You and I both know that if the whole world turned its back on you, I would still be there, even past your bestest of friends. I really do want to be friends with you, but I am not sure if I will ever be able to unless I hear from you that we will probably never be friends in the way that the whole world is (whatever that means) and that all of your feelings are not gone, whether or not they are shoved down so deep they are at your toes. Not that they will ever come out, but I just need to know that you would not be afraid to call it what it is if there ever was that time in the future, not just memories. The times we have been happy with each other while broken up, whether it is talking to each other or being with each other aren't just memories. It's us. You know how to reach me if you want to tell me anything. I hope all is well.
As a side note, I AM GOING TO SEE WICKED and IT IS CHRISTMAS TIME and I AM GOING TO AFRICA!!