Whatcha gonna do when everybody goes on without you?
Life is going on, but I'm stuck here in recovery. I understand why I can't be up, out and doing my stuff, but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy it. It's difficult for a couple reasons.
First reason, it's boring as all hell. Both of my parents work, so I'm stuck here all day by myself with just a laptop (sans AIM) and a TV. If anybody really knows me, they know I'm not a huge TV watcher. I get restless and bored pretty quickly. And surfing the 'net only can go on for so long.
Second reason, it gives you time to think. That's a good and bad thing. Honestly, I think I've gone over a few things good and bad in my head. I've had a lot to go through, and I'm getting through it all.
Here's a couple things I've been thinkin' about while stuck in the big maroon chair in C-Town:
1. My relationship wants/needs: I know I am ready for a relationship now. I've gone over it in my head thousands of times over and what have I come up with? I'm an adult. I want an adult relationship. I'm 100% down for monogomy and commitment, but I also don't want a crutch or someone to hold me down. I've been down and I don't like it there. I want someone to compliment me and someone who makes a relationship fun. Anything that seems like work that I'm not getting paid for isn't happening.
2. Work: I honestly couldn't be happier in the line of work I'm in. I'm doing exactly what I want professionally. I may gripe about the long hours, but honestly, they don't bug me. I feel like I'm really making a difference in the world, or at least the South Hills, and I plan on stickin' around the Record for a while, until they give me the boot or I get a promotion/advanced/better job offer. It's really all I want.
Oh yeah, I got a bunch of "get well soon" flowers from the people I work with this afternoon. I really do love that place and the people I work with... it REALLY meant a lot that they sent them, actually brought a tear to my eye and made me realize they do truly appreciate me there. Actually, I got calls from Kevin (my editor), Kim (my managing editor and boss) and Bob (the editor of another newspaper), just to see how I was doing. All three of them told me to take my time getting better and, although they want me to get better soon, that they don't want me to rush it and to take all the time I need. This sick leave... Kim's working with payroll to adjust my sick days and personal days so I shouldn't miss out on much, if any, pay. So the entire leave may possibly be paid time off. They are truly amazing people.
3. Food and my body: Think about it, you don't really think about how great it is to just eat. Well, for a while now, I haven't been able to eat anything substantial and hold it down. Lately, it's eat and throw up. Not cool, not healthy. I'm going bandless for now, and possibly permanently. Here's where it gets tricky...
I think people take the little things for granted, like being able to eat what they want. There are a lot of things I REALLY want to eat and am looking forward to, once I am able to eat solid foods again. Simple stuff, too. I'm REALLY looking forward to eating pasta again. But the thing I'm jonesin' for the most? Believe it or not, a good, grilled boca cheese burger with cheddar cheese on a whole wheat bun with a side of vegitarian baked beans.
And then I'm looking forward to getting a cheese sub, like I used to, at Sheetz on Monday afternoons. Every Monday before I started having problems, during my run out to the Pleasant Hills Magistrate's office, I'd stop at the Curry Hollow Road Sheetz and get a six inch cheese sub on wheat with lettuce, yellow peppers, cucumbers and green peppers, with a side of fat free ranch dressing, cut in half. I'd eat half for lunch, then the other half for dinner. I LOVED it, probably my favorite sandwich, even though it was so simple. That's what made it great, it was simple. But the bread started making me sick, so I stopped getting it about a month or two ago.
Bread is actually something I've been missing, and not having bread has cut down a lot of my consumption. I used to love salmon burgers, or eating crab cake sandwiches, or even just a piece of buttered wheat toast in the mornings. Just think how your diet would differ without being able to eat any kind of bread. I've had no pizza, no breads, no sandwiches, no potato anything, no pastas, nothing. It would only make me sick.
I'm really looking forward to being able to eat some stuff I haven't been able to enjoy in a long time. I honestly want to go to Olive Garden. Before surgery, it was one of my favorite places. During the banding period, I loathed it because I couldn't hold any of the food down. I LOVE their seafood primavera and haven't been able to touch it. I know it's not the healthiest thing on the menu, but the way I look at it is I can eat things, as long as I do it in moderation.
Am I going to stop being a vegitarian/pescotarian? Nope. Honestly, I started down this path for two reasons, the first being that it was more difficult to digest meat and second, it's a healthier lifestyle.
Going without the band is going to require a whole new level of awareness on my part. I'm going to be keeping tight food journals, observing and monitoring EVERYTHING I eat/drink, seeing a nutritionist and basically continuing to be a pain in everyone's ass about food. I will be able to eat more, which is good and bad. I have to remember the word "moderation" and be sure to teach myself a good, solid definition of that word. It's going to be good because I'll be more "normal," but bad because I'll be able to put weight back on. I'm not going to let that happen.
The way I look at it is, I had the band for two years and have had a healthy eating habit for just as long. Two years is a long time to program a lifestyle into your head. Honestly, I know I'll be able to eat more, but I'm going to continue to eat banded-sized portions. Even when I was healthy with the band, I would throw up if I ate too much. Example: we went to Black Bear one night, I ate three-quarters of a burrito when I should have eaten maybe one-third. Almost half the burrito ended up being thrown up in the adjacent parking lot.
I got to the point where I knew what was the final bite I could take before I'd become nauseated. It was to the point where I'd go to a salad bar and start to feel it while making a salad that was going to be too big. My body knows that a little is enough, and it will always told me when I was at enough. I don't think that instinct is going to go away. I think it's tattooed in my memory because, everytime I ate, I had a fear in the back of my mind that I was going to go throw up. You don't just "get over" something like that.
Everything involving weight has been a struggle. I just closed another chapter in my life dealing with that struggle when the band came off and I'm opening another one. This one is going to be a war, a constant and continual war, which I am bound and determined to win. I promise.
Keep your fingers crossed that the doctor gives me a clean bill of health on Friday so I can get back to the 'burgh ASAP and back to work by Monday. I need to get back to work. I need to feel productive and important again.
First reason, it's boring as all hell. Both of my parents work, so I'm stuck here all day by myself with just a laptop (sans AIM) and a TV. If anybody really knows me, they know I'm not a huge TV watcher. I get restless and bored pretty quickly. And surfing the 'net only can go on for so long.
Second reason, it gives you time to think. That's a good and bad thing. Honestly, I think I've gone over a few things good and bad in my head. I've had a lot to go through, and I'm getting through it all.
Here's a couple things I've been thinkin' about while stuck in the big maroon chair in C-Town:
1. My relationship wants/needs: I know I am ready for a relationship now. I've gone over it in my head thousands of times over and what have I come up with? I'm an adult. I want an adult relationship. I'm 100% down for monogomy and commitment, but I also don't want a crutch or someone to hold me down. I've been down and I don't like it there. I want someone to compliment me and someone who makes a relationship fun. Anything that seems like work that I'm not getting paid for isn't happening.
2. Work: I honestly couldn't be happier in the line of work I'm in. I'm doing exactly what I want professionally. I may gripe about the long hours, but honestly, they don't bug me. I feel like I'm really making a difference in the world, or at least the South Hills, and I plan on stickin' around the Record for a while, until they give me the boot or I get a promotion/advanced/better job offer. It's really all I want.
Oh yeah, I got a bunch of "get well soon" flowers from the people I work with this afternoon. I really do love that place and the people I work with... it REALLY meant a lot that they sent them, actually brought a tear to my eye and made me realize they do truly appreciate me there. Actually, I got calls from Kevin (my editor), Kim (my managing editor and boss) and Bob (the editor of another newspaper), just to see how I was doing. All three of them told me to take my time getting better and, although they want me to get better soon, that they don't want me to rush it and to take all the time I need. This sick leave... Kim's working with payroll to adjust my sick days and personal days so I shouldn't miss out on much, if any, pay. So the entire leave may possibly be paid time off. They are truly amazing people.
3. Food and my body: Think about it, you don't really think about how great it is to just eat. Well, for a while now, I haven't been able to eat anything substantial and hold it down. Lately, it's eat and throw up. Not cool, not healthy. I'm going bandless for now, and possibly permanently. Here's where it gets tricky...
I think people take the little things for granted, like being able to eat what they want. There are a lot of things I REALLY want to eat and am looking forward to, once I am able to eat solid foods again. Simple stuff, too. I'm REALLY looking forward to eating pasta again. But the thing I'm jonesin' for the most? Believe it or not, a good, grilled boca cheese burger with cheddar cheese on a whole wheat bun with a side of vegitarian baked beans.
And then I'm looking forward to getting a cheese sub, like I used to, at Sheetz on Monday afternoons. Every Monday before I started having problems, during my run out to the Pleasant Hills Magistrate's office, I'd stop at the Curry Hollow Road Sheetz and get a six inch cheese sub on wheat with lettuce, yellow peppers, cucumbers and green peppers, with a side of fat free ranch dressing, cut in half. I'd eat half for lunch, then the other half for dinner. I LOVED it, probably my favorite sandwich, even though it was so simple. That's what made it great, it was simple. But the bread started making me sick, so I stopped getting it about a month or two ago.
Bread is actually something I've been missing, and not having bread has cut down a lot of my consumption. I used to love salmon burgers, or eating crab cake sandwiches, or even just a piece of buttered wheat toast in the mornings. Just think how your diet would differ without being able to eat any kind of bread. I've had no pizza, no breads, no sandwiches, no potato anything, no pastas, nothing. It would only make me sick.
I'm really looking forward to being able to eat some stuff I haven't been able to enjoy in a long time. I honestly want to go to Olive Garden. Before surgery, it was one of my favorite places. During the banding period, I loathed it because I couldn't hold any of the food down. I LOVE their seafood primavera and haven't been able to touch it. I know it's not the healthiest thing on the menu, but the way I look at it is I can eat things, as long as I do it in moderation.
Am I going to stop being a vegitarian/pescotarian? Nope. Honestly, I started down this path for two reasons, the first being that it was more difficult to digest meat and second, it's a healthier lifestyle.
Going without the band is going to require a whole new level of awareness on my part. I'm going to be keeping tight food journals, observing and monitoring EVERYTHING I eat/drink, seeing a nutritionist and basically continuing to be a pain in everyone's ass about food. I will be able to eat more, which is good and bad. I have to remember the word "moderation" and be sure to teach myself a good, solid definition of that word. It's going to be good because I'll be more "normal," but bad because I'll be able to put weight back on. I'm not going to let that happen.
The way I look at it is, I had the band for two years and have had a healthy eating habit for just as long. Two years is a long time to program a lifestyle into your head. Honestly, I know I'll be able to eat more, but I'm going to continue to eat banded-sized portions. Even when I was healthy with the band, I would throw up if I ate too much. Example: we went to Black Bear one night, I ate three-quarters of a burrito when I should have eaten maybe one-third. Almost half the burrito ended up being thrown up in the adjacent parking lot.
I got to the point where I knew what was the final bite I could take before I'd become nauseated. It was to the point where I'd go to a salad bar and start to feel it while making a salad that was going to be too big. My body knows that a little is enough, and it will always told me when I was at enough. I don't think that instinct is going to go away. I think it's tattooed in my memory because, everytime I ate, I had a fear in the back of my mind that I was going to go throw up. You don't just "get over" something like that.
Everything involving weight has been a struggle. I just closed another chapter in my life dealing with that struggle when the band came off and I'm opening another one. This one is going to be a war, a constant and continual war, which I am bound and determined to win. I promise.
Keep your fingers crossed that the doctor gives me a clean bill of health on Friday so I can get back to the 'burgh ASAP and back to work by Monday. I need to get back to work. I need to feel productive and important again.