Careerwise
I cannot be somebody else with out a script, I can only be me. These are the thoughtful truths that plague my mind this morning. This is why I can't improvise. I was always shit at improvisation in Drama lessons. I’d get up with another person and my mind would just go blank and I would have to embarrassingly sit back down again. This applies to just about ever aspect of my life. I cannot be a false person without a script, when I’m me I’m always me. That’s why I cannot progress in work. I’ll go for a job or a career, but I can’t be the person I need to be in order to impress people, I can’t compete, I can’t physically do something well that I don’t like. This plagued me for 13 years while I was at school, I could never get anything right, and the teachers would always say that I was lazy, but trying to get anyone to understand this concept in order to argue back with them was impossible. My body language always reflects my emotions, I can’t hide how I feel even if I remain silent and say nothing. Employers can always see this and that’s why I never seem to do well in anything. The truth is I’ve never found anything that I’ve liked apart from performing in plays. I love doing this, but there seems to be no money in doing it small time. The only money there’s appears to be is in big time commercial theatre which is full of backstabbers and false bastards who I can’t stand. I just want to be happy, isn’t that what everybody wants? (apart from the fact that I’m poor) At the moment I do feel happy, in myself I am content but its seems that my happiness is my parents misery, and this is backfiring and making me discontent. Other people like my friends and girlfriend are also becoming discontent with me which is fuelling my discomfort. It seems that when even there’s no problem, there’s a problem. It all comes down to money in the end, if your poor then there’s a problem, but why? Why do you need wealth to be happy? Can’t you be poor and happy? Did God not say that you cannot love both God and money? It is this obsession that everybody has with money that’s making me feel miserable. People only want me to do well they say, but I say I have done well, my life is here, my life is now, the iron is never gonna be hotter than it is now, I’m never gonna be in a better position to enjoy my life than what I’m in now, so I’m enjoying myself with what little I’m able to muster and to be honest I don’t think I’m doing too bad a’ job of it! I’ve been blessed with too great parents who have done well with money, I’ve got a great girlfriend whose loyal and good to me and I love her, I’m a very lucky man, I’ve been on more holidays to more places than anyone I know and if everything falls flat on its face tomorrow I’ll of still achieved more than most people I can think of. You got to earn this and you’ve got to earn that, how are you gonna support a house and a family and buy a house on a part time cleaning wage? I don’t know weather anybodies noticed or not but we live in The UK, there’s loads of people I know who live down the road in a place called Thorp edge, some of them have about 4 fucking children and most of them have never worked a day in there life. Look I’m not saying I want to be poor and live off the social, if i could find something i loved and could make good money out it i would, but when somebody says to me I’m never gonna earn enough to have something that is everybody’s natural right to have (a family and some children), then I think that’s absolute bollocks and I think its an evil world if that is the case.