Cravings
I have had exactly one soft drink in the last 531 days, and I woke up today wanting a Diet Coke more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life. While smoking and reading It Sucked, and then, I Cried by Heather B. Armstrong, she probably said DIET COKE at least ten times in one chapter, and I was sitting there thinking that I would throw away a year and a half without soda, even if it meant licking the left over off someone's teeth at that moment. I also woke up at 11:44am, which is some kind of record for me because I rarely sleep past nine. Now my entire day is thrown off-kilter.
Part of my...condition is that I do not sleep. Like, at all. When I say I don't sleep, I don't mean OH I ONLY GOT TWO HOURS OF SLEEP IN THE LAST TWO DAYS. No, I mean that even if I lay down as the sun is setting and wake up when it is rising and sleep all those hours, I do not actually SLEEP. It's the number one trigger of my bone-rattling anxiety. I am sleeping, but I'm not sleeping. My brain goes into this insane mode where I think about ALL THE THINGS I could be doing instead of sleeping, and thus, my brain never really goes to sleep. Instead, I think about organizing my yarn or using the scented markers that I just found or looking through all of my hair products.
I had this great plan that I would get up this morning and do all the crap that I should have done Monday and Tuesday, but when I woke up (and found my cell phone was dead for some inexplicable reason) and I finally managed to make my hands work to turn on my computer to see that it was GASP 11:44AM JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL, I realized that it is also cold and dreary outside. I haven't had any coffee or cigarettes, and it's damn near time for lunch, and I JUST DON'T WANT TO.
So even as I write this, I know I'm going to sit here in front of the television and knit and watch TNG, and I DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK. My Xmas-tree, now devoid of ornaments and lights, is still in the corner of the room, screaming at me in it's little French accent--because all inanimate objects have French accents in my brain--GEET OFF YOUR ASS! POOT ME AWAY, LAZEE BONES! I plan to sit here all day glaring right back at it and NOT putting it away.
Or I will cave under the pressure and face the unending stream of old people at the grocery store because I have no food, but mostly just to get away from the tree.
Part of my...condition is that I do not sleep. Like, at all. When I say I don't sleep, I don't mean OH I ONLY GOT TWO HOURS OF SLEEP IN THE LAST TWO DAYS. No, I mean that even if I lay down as the sun is setting and wake up when it is rising and sleep all those hours, I do not actually SLEEP. It's the number one trigger of my bone-rattling anxiety. I am sleeping, but I'm not sleeping. My brain goes into this insane mode where I think about ALL THE THINGS I could be doing instead of sleeping, and thus, my brain never really goes to sleep. Instead, I think about organizing my yarn or using the scented markers that I just found or looking through all of my hair products.
I had this great plan that I would get up this morning and do all the crap that I should have done Monday and Tuesday, but when I woke up (and found my cell phone was dead for some inexplicable reason) and I finally managed to make my hands work to turn on my computer to see that it was GASP 11:44AM JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL, I realized that it is also cold and dreary outside. I haven't had any coffee or cigarettes, and it's damn near time for lunch, and I JUST DON'T WANT TO.
So even as I write this, I know I'm going to sit here in front of the television and knit and watch TNG, and I DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK. My Xmas-tree, now devoid of ornaments and lights, is still in the corner of the room, screaming at me in it's little French accent--because all inanimate objects have French accents in my brain--GEET OFF YOUR ASS! POOT ME AWAY, LAZEE BONES! I plan to sit here all day glaring right back at it and NOT putting it away.
Or I will cave under the pressure and face the unending stream of old people at the grocery store because I have no food, but mostly just to get away from the tree.