Recap: True Blood Season 1---"Cold Ground" aka Virgin-a-way!
So, funnily enough, it took someone mentioning that they couldn't find the rest of my season 1 recaps to realize that HI, I never posted this one. I went from episode 5 straight to 7 without ever posting episode 6. So, yeah, this is random, but to have a complete set, I figured I would post it. It's also very nostalgic and such, right?
I really should finish season 1. Oy. I keep saying that I will. Perhaps I'll try.
ANYWAY, here it is. The throwback, the old-timey, the LONG LOST EPISODE SIX OF SEASON 1 RECAP! HOORAY!
True Blood Season 1: “Cold Ground”
Previously on True Blood…
VB is going to speak to the DGD, and some people don’t like while others are totally excited. Sookie has had enough of VB’s nonsense, and she doesn’t want to be his girlfriend, which is totally a lie. Jason announces that he is done with V, but Lafayette tells him that if he does it right, it is the best thing ever, and so, of course, he shows him how to do it right. Detective Andy busts it out on Sookie that Jason and Tara are dating, and Sookie busts it out OMG NO they aren’t. The DGD meeting goes well, except for some redneck douches who squash some garlic in VB’s general direction. VB has some emo moments about his dead family, and we see how he became a vampire. Sam and Sookie go on a very awkward date that ends badly. Bud and Andy question VB, but they seem pretty satisfied that he isn’t the OMG SERIAL KILLER, and, sadly, Sookie goes home and finds Gran very, very dead. :(
So, we’re back in Casa de Stackhouse, which is now Casa de Bloodhouse, and Sookie is staring at Gran’s dead body on the floor, and the cat is licking the blood. Gross. I have to tell you, I have a hard time being funny during this scene because, ugh, Gran being dead is very sad to me. Sookie is standing in her bare feet in the blood, sort of going o.O, until finally she collapses and just keeps on staring at her poor, dead Gran. Then suddenly, OH NOES hands grab her from behind, but it’s just VB, and Sookie is all out of it and VB has to shake her to get her to realize who it is she is looking at. When she does, she hugs him, and OMG it’s heartbreaking. All of this just tears my guts out.
Then OH NOES there is someone else creepy creeping up to the house, and VB hears them and gets the scary vampire stare, and the creepy creeper grabs the door all creepily. VB gets his fangs out, and when the creepy creeper comes around the corner, VB grabs him by the throat, and we find out that it’s just Sam. Well, Sam is still a creepy creeper, but at least we know he’s not a murdering creepy creeper because he was out with Sookie on that awful date while Gran was being horribly killed! Yay! VB asks Sam WTF he is doing, and Sam says that he was just making sure Sookie got home okay. Sookie tells VB to let Sam go, and that’s when Sam realizes that Sookie’s knees are completely covered with blood, and he goes O.O and asks, “What happened?”
What happened, indeed! Cue credits.
So, we’re back, and I just realized that Sookie is wearing the most ridiculous dress I have ever seen. She’s all traumatized, and Sam comes and puts a blanket around her shoulders and tries to be the white knight. Sam tries to get Sookie to go upstairs and lie down, but that’s not happening. Instead, Sookie starts listening in to what everybody is thinking, which is exactly what I would do IF MY GRANDMOTHER WAS JUST MURDERED. Oh, Sook. Silly, silly, Sook. The nub and gist is that everybody is totally shocked, there is now a serial killer on the loose, and Andy is his hilarious self and says that the Stackhouse kids are crazy. WHICH THEY ARE.
Sookie finally decides to go out and get some air, and of course, Sam follows her. He decides to do that annoying thing where people think it is still about them, and obviously, IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU, SAM. He goes on and on about how he shouldn’t have lost his temper and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, and finally Sookie is just like OMG SRSLY? Sam has the inappropriate thoughts about how soft Sookie’s skin is, and she’s just incredulous just like we are. Really, Sam? Sookie decides to take her revenge and asks him what happened to VB, and you can SEE a part of Sam’s soul die. It’s beautiful. He says he’ll go fetch VB.
AHAHA, get it? FETCH? FETCH!?!
VB is upstairs having CSI: Vampire, and when Sam goes to get him, VB can sense the hatehatehate coming off of Sam and finally calls him out. Sam tells VB to stay away from Sookie, and VB just goes “PFFT, have you met her? You have seen the Cape, right?” Sam goes, “OMG STFU, vampire, who has known her for FOUR DAYS.” Then VB gives us a LOL when he says that it’s neither the time nor place for Sam to “mark his territory.” SEE, even VB knows! Sam says that Gran wouldn’t be dead if it wasn’t for VB, which actually might be kind of true, but whatevs, and then Sam tells VB that if anything happens to Sookie, he’ll kill him. BWUAHA, COLLIE, I’d like to see you try. VB also seems to find this hilarious, or at least the look in his eyes says he does. Sam stalks out all dramatico, and VB goes over to the window where we see the screen has been cut, and he makes shadow puppets that look like A DOG. Oh, lol, producers. We love you.
Back down in the Kitchen of Dead Gran, Creepy Mike Spencer and Neil from Kentucky are going on about how much blood there is and how Gran must have put up a fight, and have I expressed how much I hate Creepy Mike Spencer? He looks like a child molester, and strangely like this guy that I work with. *shudder* Bud and Andy are talking about how gross the crime scene is, but Bud has to make sure we know that there are more gross things in this world, but right now, I can’t stop thinking about VERY DEAD GRAN, so really, I don’t care. Andy starts his witch hunt back up and says that Jason did it, but Bud, like us, is all OMG WHUT because Gran was Jason’s Gran and no way would he have killed her. Bud says it might be somebody who didn’t like VB going into the church, and then Andy ACTUALLY CALLS HIM VAMPIRE BILL, which gives me SQUEE, and Bud is all OMFG DOES EVERYBODY LOVE VAMPIRE BILL??
This is when VB happens to walk in, and they try to pretend they are being official, but VB is not impressed. This is one of those great moments that I love.
Bud: It’s all right, Andy. I suspect Vampire Bill’s been around a dead body or two before. Isn’t that right, sir?
VB: -_- x 100000
AHAH, VB, I love you. Bud does “police work” and asks VB if he knew the deceased, which, HI, he knows that he did, and then they take VB into the other room for more questioning. Andy says that Sookie said VB was there when she found the body, and again, Bud makes his greatness known. “Kind of late to be making house calls,” he says, and VB just goes -_- even more. AHAHA. Bud is dumb. Anyway, VB tells them that he was waiting for Sookie to get home to talk about personal matters, and Andy is all YOU HEARD HER GET HOME, and VB says yeah, and Andy says OMG BUT NO OTHER CARS and VB says no, and then they try some bullshit about how people might not like a vampire moving in next door, and VB has finally had enough of this shit when Bud tries to insinuate unflattering things about Gran by lumping her in with Maudette and Dawn the Formerly Hot One. STOP RIGHT THERE, BUD. That is a no-no. VB is very annoyed, so he busts out CSI: Vampire and tells them that he thinks the killer is targeting women who associate with vampires and that Gran was probably just a mistake when the killer was waiting for Sookie. BURN.
Back outside on the Porch of Inappropriate Thoughts, Sookie finally remembers that she has a brother, and Sam says he’ll take care of getting Jason notified. Of course, Sam goes to call Jason, we find that he is passed out with that skank from the night before, and when the phone keeps ringing, he throws it out the window. Nice, Jason. VB comes outside on the porch and tries to shoo Sookie away because they’re bringing Gran out. Lovely. Everybody suggests that Sookie go stay somewhere else, but Sookie starts freaking out and says she is staying there. That is when Creepy Mike Spencer and Neil from Kentucky bring Gran’s body out. It’s a really gross image of life and death to me, how one minute she was Sookie’s Gran, and now she’s just a body in a bag. UGH. This is when Sookie starts mind-melding with everybody and we find out that it WAS Neil from Kentucky at Fangtasia, and then Bud starts thinking mean thoughts and says how sorry he is about Gran. UGH.
Sookie is fed up, and she asks if they’re done because she wants to clean up. Um, whut? VB tries to get Sookie to stay somewhere else, and Sam volunteers to let her sleep in his trailer while he sleeps at the bar. AHAH, right. So he can smell the sheets like a psycho after she is gone? I think not! Sookie says whatevs, that’s she’s as safe there at the house as she is anywhere because she has Sam and VB to protect her. This is when VB looks very pained and tells Sookie that he has to go because sunrise is coming, and Sookie is all GULP OMG WILL NOT CRY. Sam steps in and says he’ll take care of her, and there is a moment of mutual laser beams eyes before VB realizes he has no DOG in this fight and has to relent. VB heads off, and Sookie tells Sam to get the extra mop so they can start cleaning. Again, WHUT? Even Sam is like WHUT? But Sookie tells him that Gran had pride in her home, so she doesn’t want it all messy. I guess this is what people do in these situations. Who knows.
Next we know, Sookie is kneeling down on the kitchen floor, and there is blood EVERYWHERE, even on the microwave. She starts to clean it up, and I will not tell how I know this except to say that no crime was committed, but cleaning blood up off a linoleum floor is not easy. Sookie is just all zombied out, and Sam comes in but sort of just stands there with the mop like a dork.
The next day, we get a first person view of a weird casserole, and Sam opens the door and tells the casserole to come on it. There are about 8 million people in the house, and this is an example of how gross the South can be when someone dies. I’m not sure if it’s like this everywhere, but sudden EVERYBODY EVER cares and they show up with food. It’s insane. Anyway, people are eating and making comments about how Sookie hasn’t cried a single tear, and we find that the casserole is being carried by none other than Maxine Fortenberry, Hoyt’s very annoying mother. She’s makes the usual condolences, and we see that Tara and Lafayette are sort of in charge of this mess. Sookie hears Maxine’s ridiculous thoughts, and it is TOO MUCH. So she gets up and runs away, which is what anybody would do.
Turns out, she runs into Arlene who is a crying shaking mess of red hair, and she tells Sookie she will help her when she’s ready to move. Sookie insists she is not moving because she has more good memories of the kitchen then bad ones. WHUT? I think one murder of a loved one weighs out all the great breakfasts she had. Whatever. Sookie has weird coping mechanisms. It’s at this moment that Sookie turns around, and she sees that Maxine has taken a pie out of the fridge and is smelling it, and Sookie’s eyes go O.O and she SCREAMS, “MAXINE FORTENBERRY, YOU PUT THAT PIE DOWN RIGHT NOW!” Naturally, everybody goes WTF and looks over, and Sookie grabs the pie and SCREAMS “THIS IS GRAN’S PIE.” It is a classic moment from this show, I kid you not. Anyway, everybody starts thinking SHE SO CRAZY, and they are not wrong. Sookie just stands there looking as crazy as a crazy thing, then Tara comes to rescue and takes Sookie upstairs. Sam tries to follow, but Tara stops him and says, “Just give us some girl time.” Then as they walk up the steps, “Come on, Lafayette.” BWUAHA.
Upstairs, in the Bedroom of PIE, Sookie apologizes for losing her temper, and Lafayette and Tara are like WTF, she deserved it. It’s at this moment that Sookie realizes Gran is gone, and we all *tear* a little. Lafayette’s answer to all the insanity is drugs, of course, and he gives Sookie a Valium just in case. Sookie entrusts the Gran Pie to Lafayette, who says that he will guard it with his life. Lafayette is magic.
Now, we see that Jason has woken up, and he’s withdrawing from V, and it’s obvious that he has no idea about Gran because he’s going to work. Rene and Hoyt are both all o.O, and when Jason gets there, Rene has the unfortunate duty to tell Jason what is up. This all happens off-screen, so we don’t get to see Jason’s expression, which I’m sure is probably hilarious.
Back at the House of Southern Funerals, Tara oh-so-casually mentions Sookie’s cousin, Hadley, and we see the producer’s nice, neat little way of doing away with a huge plot point of the books. Tara then asks if Sookie is inviting VB to the funeral, but hi, it will be during the day. Duh, Tara. Tara mentions the fact that not everyone LURVES vampires like Sookie does, and Sookie throws a strop because OMG VB DID NOT KILL GRAN, OKAY? Tara randomly throws in that she’d wig out if anything happened to Sookie, but Sookie wants to remind her that VB was the BEST during her tragedy with Gran. Get it? VB is THE BEST EVER. NO ONE IS AS GOOD AS VB.
Right about then, Jason flings open the door and runs up into Sookie’s bedroom. She looks SO happy to see him, her loving brother there to help her in her time of tragedy and grief, and Jason hauls off and SLAPS the HOLY HELL out of Sookie. WHAT THE FUCK? Unbelievable. Tara jumps up and starts flipping out on Jason BIG TIME, as she should, and Jason is screaming about how it’s Sookie’s fault, it should have been Sookie, screwing a vampire, blah, blah, blah. Tara finally pushes Jason out of the room, and Sookie is just all o.O This is when Sookie decides to take the Valium that Lafayette gave her. No doubt.
Outside the House of Inappropriate Behavior, Jason is going back to his truck, and who is waiting for him? None other than Andy Bellefleur, and Andy wants to question Jason, but Jason is having none of it. He says he doesn’t remember where he was last night or who he was with, and when Andy suggests he killed Gran, Jason FREAKS OUT and shoves him up against his truck like he was a rag doll. Curious onlookers have gathered on the porch, including Lafayette, who knows how Jason suddenly is superhero strong. This does not bode well for Jason, who gets in his truck and speeds away. What a douche.
After all the madness, Tara comes downstairs and tells everybody to GTFO because Sookie needs her rest, and it’s interesting to point out that the pictures on the wall behind Tara are HILARIOUS. There are some of Sookie, but the best one is of Jason in his graduation cap and gown. Good times. Anyway, Tara kicks everybody out, even Sam. I think Sam has a right to be there, but whatever. Sam pouts, but he leaves. Tara and Lafayette are left behind, and they are looking at all the food that was brought over. Lafayette makes a comment about white people and Jell-O, and I have to agree with him. WTF? Anyway, they decide to throw all the food away because, as Lafayette says, Sookie doesn’t need any “bad juju cooking.” Tara doesn’t understand and she tries some of the cornbread, but Lafayette warns her she’ll wish she didn’t do that. OOOH, foreshadowing!
Upstairs, Sookie is OUT, YO from her Valium, but then all the sudden…OH NOES! There are some hands trying to strangle her! These hands are wearing a denim shirt, and wasn’t Sam wearing a denim shirt? (I went back and checked, and Sam’s shirt was denim, but it had stripes, and he had his sleeves rolled up. The Mystery Choker had a dark denim shirt with sleeves rolled down. PHEW. It’s not Sam. Well, this guy isn’t Sam, but Sam could still be the murderer, I guess. :D) Anyway, across the cemetery, VB wakes up from his sleep of the dead (aha, pun), and FREAKS OUT because his Sookie Sense is going crazy. The sun is still up, and he can’t do anything for Sookie who is getting the life choked out of her! OH NOES! (Note: I like that they’ve kept it that the vampires can’t even move during the daylight, except, as we’ll later see, they can. At least for now, they’re sort of true to the book. A little. Okay, not really at all, but whatever. I loves them, precious.)
So, the sun sloooowly goes down, and Lafayette and Tara are cleaning up. Tara mentions that maybe she should go check on Sookie, but Lafayette answers that she is “dead to the world.“ (aha, pun, AND title of book! Two for the price of one!) A few seconds later, VB vampires into the house and past Tara and Lafayette who are all o.O, and he runs upstairs and Sookie is all bleh and passed out on the bed. VB shakes her about a million times, hard enough to make her head fall off really, and then FINALLY, Sookie blinks awake and looks at him. YAY, she is not dead! Though if somebody came in and throttled me in such a manner, I’d be screaming at them. Sookie is just all blinketyblink cute. VB just laughs and says he had a bad dream. Oh, VB. You are so cute. Sookie goes back to sleep, and then we see Tara and Lafayette listening to the Dixie Chicks, and VB is out on the lawn with some TruBlood, watching Sookie’s window like a creepy stalker. Tara is wondering if vampires are capable of loving a person, and just then, the Collie comes up and sits beside VB. VB just sort of looks down at it like AHAHA, BITCH.
The next day, we see that we are at Gran’s funeral, and let me tell you, the sadness of this event is punctuated by one moment of hilarity, a surprisingly tender speech by Tara’s mom, and the unfortunate appearance of Great Uncle Bartlett. Sookie apparently hates Uncle Barltett, but we don’t know why. Hmm. So then Sookie gets up to talk, and while she’s trying to say sweet and lovely things, she keeps hearing everyone’s terrible thoughts, including Uncle Bartlett, who thinks something along the lines of “Never meant to hurt anyone…couldn’t help…“ Hmm. Anyway, in the middle of Sookie’s beautiful speech, it all becomes TOO MUCH, and she screams out, “SHUT UP. ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.”
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sookie FTW!
Sookie runs off, Jason runs after her, and everybody is SCANDALIZED. They’re about to get more scandalized because Lettie Mae gets up there to talk, but she actually says some really nice things about how Gran took care of Tara when she was little. So, anyway, Jason catches up to Sookie, and she busts his ass about hitting her and telling her he wished she was dead. Jason looks messed up something awful, and he apologizes to Sookie, but whatevs. We aren’t trying to hear that noise, and neither is Sookie. Jason tries to give her a speech about family, and apparently, he doesn’t know this terrible thing about Uncle Barlett, but at the end of it, Sookie runs off after laying the smack down on Jason who totally deserves every bit of it. Douche.
After the funeral, Tara reams Lettie Mae for talking about Gran, and we find out that Tara’s life is as sad as sad can be. Lettie Mae tells Tara that it was her who it her with a bottle, and it wasn’t her who has been drunk for, like, years. IT’S HER DEMON. She has a DEMON inside her making her do bad things. Tara, like us, has the same reaction. BWUAHAH, WTF? The lowdown is that Lettie Mae needs money for an exorcism. You read that right. AN EXORCISM. Tara actually starts to go along with all this demon talk until Lettie Mae mentions the money, and then Tara is OUT, YO.
Sookie is still wandering around the cemetery, and she comes upon a grave. Not just any grave. It’s VB’s grave, which, of course, is empty. Back at the cemetery, Jason is accepting condolences, but he is so withdrawing from V that everything looks crazy and weird, and he is just losing his mind. He runs off to his truck, and he is like SUPER sweaty, and he reaches into his glove box and pulls out the little toilet paper squares of V that Lafayette (stupidly) gave him. He wrestles with it for a moment, even throwing it on the ground, but eventually, he gives in and jumps out of the truck to find it, but OH NOES, it’s gone. Too bad, junkie.
Sookie is back at the gravesite watching the casket be lowered into the ground, which has always creeped me out, personally. Sam comes up, and he tries to be funny about Sookie’s little outburst, but she’s not in the mood for funny. He offers to walk her home, which is very sweet. Back at the house, Sam tells Sookie to take a bath, and they’ll rent some movies? Really, Sam? I take back that comment that you were sweet. Sookie blows him off, and on his way out, he encounters Tara, and Tara says she doesn’t want to be alone. So, we can assume they’re going to have SEXY SEX to make themselves feel better, as people supposedly do when someone dies.
Inside the house, Sookie is staring at the spot where Gran’s body was, and she sits down and eats the entire rest of Gran’s Pie, and finally, FINALLY starts to cry. It’s gut-wrenching, but at the same time, it’s a great moment, even though it is so sad.
Meanwhile, Tara brings Sam to her very sad apartment that she now rents, and they drink beer. In this moment, you see how Sam/Tara could be great, but in the end, it is doomed. Tara gets all shirty, and Sam has had enough of her Super Bitch Black Woman Empowerment Cape business, and he tries to leave, but Tara stops him. It melts into SEXY MAKING OUT, which I’m sure will lead to SEXY SEX.
Back at Case de Sookhouse, Sookie has finished eating the pie, and then she goes up stairs and puts on the most bizarre nightgown I have ever seen. I swear it’s like she’s preparing for suicide, but that is SO NOT what she is preparing for. She watches the sun go down, and as soon as it does, she is out the door and RUNNING toward VB’s house. At the same time, VB’s Sookie Sense starts tingling, and he opens his front doors all dramatico, and he starts running toward her house. The music is all dramatic and lovely, and when they meet in the middle, they practically eat each other’s faces off. It is one of my favorite moments of this show because we can see just how much she NEEDS him and just how much he WANTS her. It’s just breathtaking. So yes, VB picks her up and sweeps her off her feet and carries her into the house.
At the same time, Tara and Sam are getting it on, off-screen GRRR, and then Tara wigs out and I guess she thinks about her mom and totally runs out on Sam. WTF?
And ALSO at the same time, Jason is getting it on with SHB AGAIN, and he is just miserable about it, and he totally hates himself. AS HE SHOULD.
And ALSO at the same time, VB and Sookie are starting to get it on, and she’s all OHHH SEXY SEXY BITE ME.
ALSO, Tara goes home and makes up with her mom. AWWW.
And finally, VB and Sookie get down to it, and she’s all gaspy and moany and virginy and then yes, he bites her as we fade to black. I’m not going to describe it more than that because HI CREEPY. So, yes, fade to black. YAY!
So, there you go, the long lost episode six recap. HUZZAH. You can find all my recaps in my memories section, and if I get the gumption up to finish them, the rest of season 1 might be done before season 3 starts. Thanks for reading!
I really should finish season 1. Oy. I keep saying that I will. Perhaps I'll try.
ANYWAY, here it is. The throwback, the old-timey, the LONG LOST EPISODE SIX OF SEASON 1 RECAP! HOORAY!
True Blood Season 1: “Cold Ground”
Previously on True Blood…
VB is going to speak to the DGD, and some people don’t like while others are totally excited. Sookie has had enough of VB’s nonsense, and she doesn’t want to be his girlfriend, which is totally a lie. Jason announces that he is done with V, but Lafayette tells him that if he does it right, it is the best thing ever, and so, of course, he shows him how to do it right. Detective Andy busts it out on Sookie that Jason and Tara are dating, and Sookie busts it out OMG NO they aren’t. The DGD meeting goes well, except for some redneck douches who squash some garlic in VB’s general direction. VB has some emo moments about his dead family, and we see how he became a vampire. Sam and Sookie go on a very awkward date that ends badly. Bud and Andy question VB, but they seem pretty satisfied that he isn’t the OMG SERIAL KILLER, and, sadly, Sookie goes home and finds Gran very, very dead. :(
So, we’re back in Casa de Stackhouse, which is now Casa de Bloodhouse, and Sookie is staring at Gran’s dead body on the floor, and the cat is licking the blood. Gross. I have to tell you, I have a hard time being funny during this scene because, ugh, Gran being dead is very sad to me. Sookie is standing in her bare feet in the blood, sort of going o.O, until finally she collapses and just keeps on staring at her poor, dead Gran. Then suddenly, OH NOES hands grab her from behind, but it’s just VB, and Sookie is all out of it and VB has to shake her to get her to realize who it is she is looking at. When she does, she hugs him, and OMG it’s heartbreaking. All of this just tears my guts out.
Then OH NOES there is someone else creepy creeping up to the house, and VB hears them and gets the scary vampire stare, and the creepy creeper grabs the door all creepily. VB gets his fangs out, and when the creepy creeper comes around the corner, VB grabs him by the throat, and we find out that it’s just Sam. Well, Sam is still a creepy creeper, but at least we know he’s not a murdering creepy creeper because he was out with Sookie on that awful date while Gran was being horribly killed! Yay! VB asks Sam WTF he is doing, and Sam says that he was just making sure Sookie got home okay. Sookie tells VB to let Sam go, and that’s when Sam realizes that Sookie’s knees are completely covered with blood, and he goes O.O and asks, “What happened?”
What happened, indeed! Cue credits.
So, we’re back, and I just realized that Sookie is wearing the most ridiculous dress I have ever seen. She’s all traumatized, and Sam comes and puts a blanket around her shoulders and tries to be the white knight. Sam tries to get Sookie to go upstairs and lie down, but that’s not happening. Instead, Sookie starts listening in to what everybody is thinking, which is exactly what I would do IF MY GRANDMOTHER WAS JUST MURDERED. Oh, Sook. Silly, silly, Sook. The nub and gist is that everybody is totally shocked, there is now a serial killer on the loose, and Andy is his hilarious self and says that the Stackhouse kids are crazy. WHICH THEY ARE.
Sookie finally decides to go out and get some air, and of course, Sam follows her. He decides to do that annoying thing where people think it is still about them, and obviously, IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU, SAM. He goes on and on about how he shouldn’t have lost his temper and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, and finally Sookie is just like OMG SRSLY? Sam has the inappropriate thoughts about how soft Sookie’s skin is, and she’s just incredulous just like we are. Really, Sam? Sookie decides to take her revenge and asks him what happened to VB, and you can SEE a part of Sam’s soul die. It’s beautiful. He says he’ll go fetch VB.
AHAHA, get it? FETCH? FETCH!?!
VB is upstairs having CSI: Vampire, and when Sam goes to get him, VB can sense the hatehatehate coming off of Sam and finally calls him out. Sam tells VB to stay away from Sookie, and VB just goes “PFFT, have you met her? You have seen the Cape, right?” Sam goes, “OMG STFU, vampire, who has known her for FOUR DAYS.” Then VB gives us a LOL when he says that it’s neither the time nor place for Sam to “mark his territory.” SEE, even VB knows! Sam says that Gran wouldn’t be dead if it wasn’t for VB, which actually might be kind of true, but whatevs, and then Sam tells VB that if anything happens to Sookie, he’ll kill him. BWUAHA, COLLIE, I’d like to see you try. VB also seems to find this hilarious, or at least the look in his eyes says he does. Sam stalks out all dramatico, and VB goes over to the window where we see the screen has been cut, and he makes shadow puppets that look like A DOG. Oh, lol, producers. We love you.
Back down in the Kitchen of Dead Gran, Creepy Mike Spencer and Neil from Kentucky are going on about how much blood there is and how Gran must have put up a fight, and have I expressed how much I hate Creepy Mike Spencer? He looks like a child molester, and strangely like this guy that I work with. *shudder* Bud and Andy are talking about how gross the crime scene is, but Bud has to make sure we know that there are more gross things in this world, but right now, I can’t stop thinking about VERY DEAD GRAN, so really, I don’t care. Andy starts his witch hunt back up and says that Jason did it, but Bud, like us, is all OMG WHUT because Gran was Jason’s Gran and no way would he have killed her. Bud says it might be somebody who didn’t like VB going into the church, and then Andy ACTUALLY CALLS HIM VAMPIRE BILL, which gives me SQUEE, and Bud is all OMFG DOES EVERYBODY LOVE VAMPIRE BILL??
This is when VB happens to walk in, and they try to pretend they are being official, but VB is not impressed. This is one of those great moments that I love.
Bud: It’s all right, Andy. I suspect Vampire Bill’s been around a dead body or two before. Isn’t that right, sir?
VB: -_- x 100000
AHAH, VB, I love you. Bud does “police work” and asks VB if he knew the deceased, which, HI, he knows that he did, and then they take VB into the other room for more questioning. Andy says that Sookie said VB was there when she found the body, and again, Bud makes his greatness known. “Kind of late to be making house calls,” he says, and VB just goes -_- even more. AHAHA. Bud is dumb. Anyway, VB tells them that he was waiting for Sookie to get home to talk about personal matters, and Andy is all YOU HEARD HER GET HOME, and VB says yeah, and Andy says OMG BUT NO OTHER CARS and VB says no, and then they try some bullshit about how people might not like a vampire moving in next door, and VB has finally had enough of this shit when Bud tries to insinuate unflattering things about Gran by lumping her in with Maudette and Dawn the Formerly Hot One. STOP RIGHT THERE, BUD. That is a no-no. VB is very annoyed, so he busts out CSI: Vampire and tells them that he thinks the killer is targeting women who associate with vampires and that Gran was probably just a mistake when the killer was waiting for Sookie. BURN.
Back outside on the Porch of Inappropriate Thoughts, Sookie finally remembers that she has a brother, and Sam says he’ll take care of getting Jason notified. Of course, Sam goes to call Jason, we find that he is passed out with that skank from the night before, and when the phone keeps ringing, he throws it out the window. Nice, Jason. VB comes outside on the porch and tries to shoo Sookie away because they’re bringing Gran out. Lovely. Everybody suggests that Sookie go stay somewhere else, but Sookie starts freaking out and says she is staying there. That is when Creepy Mike Spencer and Neil from Kentucky bring Gran’s body out. It’s a really gross image of life and death to me, how one minute she was Sookie’s Gran, and now she’s just a body in a bag. UGH. This is when Sookie starts mind-melding with everybody and we find out that it WAS Neil from Kentucky at Fangtasia, and then Bud starts thinking mean thoughts and says how sorry he is about Gran. UGH.
Sookie is fed up, and she asks if they’re done because she wants to clean up. Um, whut? VB tries to get Sookie to stay somewhere else, and Sam volunteers to let her sleep in his trailer while he sleeps at the bar. AHAH, right. So he can smell the sheets like a psycho after she is gone? I think not! Sookie says whatevs, that’s she’s as safe there at the house as she is anywhere because she has Sam and VB to protect her. This is when VB looks very pained and tells Sookie that he has to go because sunrise is coming, and Sookie is all GULP OMG WILL NOT CRY. Sam steps in and says he’ll take care of her, and there is a moment of mutual laser beams eyes before VB realizes he has no DOG in this fight and has to relent. VB heads off, and Sookie tells Sam to get the extra mop so they can start cleaning. Again, WHUT? Even Sam is like WHUT? But Sookie tells him that Gran had pride in her home, so she doesn’t want it all messy. I guess this is what people do in these situations. Who knows.
Next we know, Sookie is kneeling down on the kitchen floor, and there is blood EVERYWHERE, even on the microwave. She starts to clean it up, and I will not tell how I know this except to say that no crime was committed, but cleaning blood up off a linoleum floor is not easy. Sookie is just all zombied out, and Sam comes in but sort of just stands there with the mop like a dork.
The next day, we get a first person view of a weird casserole, and Sam opens the door and tells the casserole to come on it. There are about 8 million people in the house, and this is an example of how gross the South can be when someone dies. I’m not sure if it’s like this everywhere, but sudden EVERYBODY EVER cares and they show up with food. It’s insane. Anyway, people are eating and making comments about how Sookie hasn’t cried a single tear, and we find that the casserole is being carried by none other than Maxine Fortenberry, Hoyt’s very annoying mother. She’s makes the usual condolences, and we see that Tara and Lafayette are sort of in charge of this mess. Sookie hears Maxine’s ridiculous thoughts, and it is TOO MUCH. So she gets up and runs away, which is what anybody would do.
Turns out, she runs into Arlene who is a crying shaking mess of red hair, and she tells Sookie she will help her when she’s ready to move. Sookie insists she is not moving because she has more good memories of the kitchen then bad ones. WHUT? I think one murder of a loved one weighs out all the great breakfasts she had. Whatever. Sookie has weird coping mechanisms. It’s at this moment that Sookie turns around, and she sees that Maxine has taken a pie out of the fridge and is smelling it, and Sookie’s eyes go O.O and she SCREAMS, “MAXINE FORTENBERRY, YOU PUT THAT PIE DOWN RIGHT NOW!” Naturally, everybody goes WTF and looks over, and Sookie grabs the pie and SCREAMS “THIS IS GRAN’S PIE.” It is a classic moment from this show, I kid you not. Anyway, everybody starts thinking SHE SO CRAZY, and they are not wrong. Sookie just stands there looking as crazy as a crazy thing, then Tara comes to rescue and takes Sookie upstairs. Sam tries to follow, but Tara stops him and says, “Just give us some girl time.” Then as they walk up the steps, “Come on, Lafayette.” BWUAHA.
Upstairs, in the Bedroom of PIE, Sookie apologizes for losing her temper, and Lafayette and Tara are like WTF, she deserved it. It’s at this moment that Sookie realizes Gran is gone, and we all *tear* a little. Lafayette’s answer to all the insanity is drugs, of course, and he gives Sookie a Valium just in case. Sookie entrusts the Gran Pie to Lafayette, who says that he will guard it with his life. Lafayette is magic.
Now, we see that Jason has woken up, and he’s withdrawing from V, and it’s obvious that he has no idea about Gran because he’s going to work. Rene and Hoyt are both all o.O, and when Jason gets there, Rene has the unfortunate duty to tell Jason what is up. This all happens off-screen, so we don’t get to see Jason’s expression, which I’m sure is probably hilarious.
Back at the House of Southern Funerals, Tara oh-so-casually mentions Sookie’s cousin, Hadley, and we see the producer’s nice, neat little way of doing away with a huge plot point of the books. Tara then asks if Sookie is inviting VB to the funeral, but hi, it will be during the day. Duh, Tara. Tara mentions the fact that not everyone LURVES vampires like Sookie does, and Sookie throws a strop because OMG VB DID NOT KILL GRAN, OKAY? Tara randomly throws in that she’d wig out if anything happened to Sookie, but Sookie wants to remind her that VB was the BEST during her tragedy with Gran. Get it? VB is THE BEST EVER. NO ONE IS AS GOOD AS VB.
Right about then, Jason flings open the door and runs up into Sookie’s bedroom. She looks SO happy to see him, her loving brother there to help her in her time of tragedy and grief, and Jason hauls off and SLAPS the HOLY HELL out of Sookie. WHAT THE FUCK? Unbelievable. Tara jumps up and starts flipping out on Jason BIG TIME, as she should, and Jason is screaming about how it’s Sookie’s fault, it should have been Sookie, screwing a vampire, blah, blah, blah. Tara finally pushes Jason out of the room, and Sookie is just all o.O This is when Sookie decides to take the Valium that Lafayette gave her. No doubt.
Outside the House of Inappropriate Behavior, Jason is going back to his truck, and who is waiting for him? None other than Andy Bellefleur, and Andy wants to question Jason, but Jason is having none of it. He says he doesn’t remember where he was last night or who he was with, and when Andy suggests he killed Gran, Jason FREAKS OUT and shoves him up against his truck like he was a rag doll. Curious onlookers have gathered on the porch, including Lafayette, who knows how Jason suddenly is superhero strong. This does not bode well for Jason, who gets in his truck and speeds away. What a douche.
After all the madness, Tara comes downstairs and tells everybody to GTFO because Sookie needs her rest, and it’s interesting to point out that the pictures on the wall behind Tara are HILARIOUS. There are some of Sookie, but the best one is of Jason in his graduation cap and gown. Good times. Anyway, Tara kicks everybody out, even Sam. I think Sam has a right to be there, but whatever. Sam pouts, but he leaves. Tara and Lafayette are left behind, and they are looking at all the food that was brought over. Lafayette makes a comment about white people and Jell-O, and I have to agree with him. WTF? Anyway, they decide to throw all the food away because, as Lafayette says, Sookie doesn’t need any “bad juju cooking.” Tara doesn’t understand and she tries some of the cornbread, but Lafayette warns her she’ll wish she didn’t do that. OOOH, foreshadowing!
Upstairs, Sookie is OUT, YO from her Valium, but then all the sudden…OH NOES! There are some hands trying to strangle her! These hands are wearing a denim shirt, and wasn’t Sam wearing a denim shirt? (I went back and checked, and Sam’s shirt was denim, but it had stripes, and he had his sleeves rolled up. The Mystery Choker had a dark denim shirt with sleeves rolled down. PHEW. It’s not Sam. Well, this guy isn’t Sam, but Sam could still be the murderer, I guess. :D) Anyway, across the cemetery, VB wakes up from his sleep of the dead (aha, pun), and FREAKS OUT because his Sookie Sense is going crazy. The sun is still up, and he can’t do anything for Sookie who is getting the life choked out of her! OH NOES! (Note: I like that they’ve kept it that the vampires can’t even move during the daylight, except, as we’ll later see, they can. At least for now, they’re sort of true to the book. A little. Okay, not really at all, but whatever. I loves them, precious.)
So, the sun sloooowly goes down, and Lafayette and Tara are cleaning up. Tara mentions that maybe she should go check on Sookie, but Lafayette answers that she is “dead to the world.“ (aha, pun, AND title of book! Two for the price of one!) A few seconds later, VB vampires into the house and past Tara and Lafayette who are all o.O, and he runs upstairs and Sookie is all bleh and passed out on the bed. VB shakes her about a million times, hard enough to make her head fall off really, and then FINALLY, Sookie blinks awake and looks at him. YAY, she is not dead! Though if somebody came in and throttled me in such a manner, I’d be screaming at them. Sookie is just all blinketyblink cute. VB just laughs and says he had a bad dream. Oh, VB. You are so cute. Sookie goes back to sleep, and then we see Tara and Lafayette listening to the Dixie Chicks, and VB is out on the lawn with some TruBlood, watching Sookie’s window like a creepy stalker. Tara is wondering if vampires are capable of loving a person, and just then, the Collie comes up and sits beside VB. VB just sort of looks down at it like AHAHA, BITCH.
The next day, we see that we are at Gran’s funeral, and let me tell you, the sadness of this event is punctuated by one moment of hilarity, a surprisingly tender speech by Tara’s mom, and the unfortunate appearance of Great Uncle Bartlett. Sookie apparently hates Uncle Barltett, but we don’t know why. Hmm. So then Sookie gets up to talk, and while she’s trying to say sweet and lovely things, she keeps hearing everyone’s terrible thoughts, including Uncle Bartlett, who thinks something along the lines of “Never meant to hurt anyone…couldn’t help…“ Hmm. Anyway, in the middle of Sookie’s beautiful speech, it all becomes TOO MUCH, and she screams out, “SHUT UP. ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.”
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sookie FTW!
Sookie runs off, Jason runs after her, and everybody is SCANDALIZED. They’re about to get more scandalized because Lettie Mae gets up there to talk, but she actually says some really nice things about how Gran took care of Tara when she was little. So, anyway, Jason catches up to Sookie, and she busts his ass about hitting her and telling her he wished she was dead. Jason looks messed up something awful, and he apologizes to Sookie, but whatevs. We aren’t trying to hear that noise, and neither is Sookie. Jason tries to give her a speech about family, and apparently, he doesn’t know this terrible thing about Uncle Barlett, but at the end of it, Sookie runs off after laying the smack down on Jason who totally deserves every bit of it. Douche.
After the funeral, Tara reams Lettie Mae for talking about Gran, and we find out that Tara’s life is as sad as sad can be. Lettie Mae tells Tara that it was her who it her with a bottle, and it wasn’t her who has been drunk for, like, years. IT’S HER DEMON. She has a DEMON inside her making her do bad things. Tara, like us, has the same reaction. BWUAHAH, WTF? The lowdown is that Lettie Mae needs money for an exorcism. You read that right. AN EXORCISM. Tara actually starts to go along with all this demon talk until Lettie Mae mentions the money, and then Tara is OUT, YO.
Sookie is still wandering around the cemetery, and she comes upon a grave. Not just any grave. It’s VB’s grave, which, of course, is empty. Back at the cemetery, Jason is accepting condolences, but he is so withdrawing from V that everything looks crazy and weird, and he is just losing his mind. He runs off to his truck, and he is like SUPER sweaty, and he reaches into his glove box and pulls out the little toilet paper squares of V that Lafayette (stupidly) gave him. He wrestles with it for a moment, even throwing it on the ground, but eventually, he gives in and jumps out of the truck to find it, but OH NOES, it’s gone. Too bad, junkie.
Sookie is back at the gravesite watching the casket be lowered into the ground, which has always creeped me out, personally. Sam comes up, and he tries to be funny about Sookie’s little outburst, but she’s not in the mood for funny. He offers to walk her home, which is very sweet. Back at the house, Sam tells Sookie to take a bath, and they’ll rent some movies? Really, Sam? I take back that comment that you were sweet. Sookie blows him off, and on his way out, he encounters Tara, and Tara says she doesn’t want to be alone. So, we can assume they’re going to have SEXY SEX to make themselves feel better, as people supposedly do when someone dies.
Inside the house, Sookie is staring at the spot where Gran’s body was, and she sits down and eats the entire rest of Gran’s Pie, and finally, FINALLY starts to cry. It’s gut-wrenching, but at the same time, it’s a great moment, even though it is so sad.
Meanwhile, Tara brings Sam to her very sad apartment that she now rents, and they drink beer. In this moment, you see how Sam/Tara could be great, but in the end, it is doomed. Tara gets all shirty, and Sam has had enough of her Super Bitch Black Woman Empowerment Cape business, and he tries to leave, but Tara stops him. It melts into SEXY MAKING OUT, which I’m sure will lead to SEXY SEX.
Back at Case de Sookhouse, Sookie has finished eating the pie, and then she goes up stairs and puts on the most bizarre nightgown I have ever seen. I swear it’s like she’s preparing for suicide, but that is SO NOT what she is preparing for. She watches the sun go down, and as soon as it does, she is out the door and RUNNING toward VB’s house. At the same time, VB’s Sookie Sense starts tingling, and he opens his front doors all dramatico, and he starts running toward her house. The music is all dramatic and lovely, and when they meet in the middle, they practically eat each other’s faces off. It is one of my favorite moments of this show because we can see just how much she NEEDS him and just how much he WANTS her. It’s just breathtaking. So yes, VB picks her up and sweeps her off her feet and carries her into the house.
At the same time, Tara and Sam are getting it on, off-screen GRRR, and then Tara wigs out and I guess she thinks about her mom and totally runs out on Sam. WTF?
And ALSO at the same time, Jason is getting it on with SHB AGAIN, and he is just miserable about it, and he totally hates himself. AS HE SHOULD.
And ALSO at the same time, VB and Sookie are starting to get it on, and she’s all OHHH SEXY SEXY BITE ME.
ALSO, Tara goes home and makes up with her mom. AWWW.
And finally, VB and Sookie get down to it, and she’s all gaspy and moany and virginy and then yes, he bites her as we fade to black. I’m not going to describe it more than that because HI CREEPY. So, yes, fade to black. YAY!
So, there you go, the long lost episode six recap. HUZZAH. You can find all my recaps in my memories section, and if I get the gumption up to finish them, the rest of season 1 might be done before season 3 starts. Thanks for reading!