for goodness sake i think im on the edge, of something new with you.
i have a fear. its a terrible fear. i go to sleep every night and its there, waiting. i get chills just thinking about it. i worry that tonight might be the night. that i'm only one second away from living the nightmare that greets me when i rest.
i fear that i'm going to lose someone close to me. at first i took this fear and never let anyone in because i didnt want to have to add someone else that would make my fear grow. but each night i go to sleep and worry. that i'll wake up in the morning and something would have happened. that my life would change forever. i would never be the same. i would be vulnerable to the world.
and whats sad is that its inevitable. its coming. who knows when, but its coming. and you would think that i'll be prepared for it. but i know that having this fear will just make it worse. and its not something i can overcome. or something i will overcome. i guess thats why i push people away. or let people get separated from me. its not that i dont love them. or that i dont care. im a horrible person.
i wish i could be 6 again. when i first met my first grade teacher mrs. ingersol. before she got sick and died when i was in middle school. back to the time when i was 3 and we would go to my cousins house for a prayer meeting and i would crawl to my mother in the middle of the sermon and fall asleep in her arms. and she wouldnt mind if i drooled. or back to the moment in the story she always tells me. i want to live in that moment forever, when i was so sure that i would be the one to find her a big treasure so that she would never have to work again. back to when she was proud of me. and just looking at me would make her smile. back to the days when i lived in my old house behind stardust bowl and money was never an issue. i never deserved nice things anyway.
whos says i cant want to live in my past? my earliest years were the ones that had me smiling the most. my parents were always happy. i looked up to my brother, not the other way around. back to when i was destined to be a doctor. or the next michael jordan. back to the summer of 95 where there was a huge heat wave and i played basketball in the middle of the day, everyday, until it was too dark to play, which is why im so dark. back to when i first ran on a track. when i won my first race. heck, i'll settle for when i crossed the finish line in my last race and i went up to john and gave him a hug. because that was it. that was how it was supposed to end.
so thats how it goes. i fear the future because i fear my own failure. i liked it when i had potential. and now i've got none, and i've got no one. it's not ironic that every entry in this journal is depressing. this is the only place i'll allow myself to be sad. because, fuck, if nothing else, at least i can feel. i dont flip my hair. i dont go to hawthorne. i dont eat my feelings.
my parents never pretended. i knew since day 1 there was no santa. or the tooth fairy. christmas wasnt a big holiday in my house. everything was always a money issue. still is. i realize now that my family cares more about pride and image than love and humility. awesome. i cant complain. i really have no right to. here i am sitting at a huge ass university which gave me a scholarship for god knows why and my parents, no matter how little they say or show it, love me, a brother who never argues with me, and [at least i pretend to think] friends that care about me. and i know im not good enough for them.
and even with all this, my phone is silent. unless someone needs something. or to know something. i fool myself into forgetting that everything is motivated. theres a reason behind every action. a feeling behind every word. just dont forget that eventually i'll figure it out. it might be today, or three weeks later. you care about others than you do me. and its cool. i get it. but dont hide it.
im catching on and catching up, to all the things that slipped my heart and my mind.
good night world. hopefully you'll still be standing when i wake up. and i can fake another day once more.
i fear that i'm going to lose someone close to me. at first i took this fear and never let anyone in because i didnt want to have to add someone else that would make my fear grow. but each night i go to sleep and worry. that i'll wake up in the morning and something would have happened. that my life would change forever. i would never be the same. i would be vulnerable to the world.
and whats sad is that its inevitable. its coming. who knows when, but its coming. and you would think that i'll be prepared for it. but i know that having this fear will just make it worse. and its not something i can overcome. or something i will overcome. i guess thats why i push people away. or let people get separated from me. its not that i dont love them. or that i dont care. im a horrible person.
i wish i could be 6 again. when i first met my first grade teacher mrs. ingersol. before she got sick and died when i was in middle school. back to the time when i was 3 and we would go to my cousins house for a prayer meeting and i would crawl to my mother in the middle of the sermon and fall asleep in her arms. and she wouldnt mind if i drooled. or back to the moment in the story she always tells me. i want to live in that moment forever, when i was so sure that i would be the one to find her a big treasure so that she would never have to work again. back to when she was proud of me. and just looking at me would make her smile. back to the days when i lived in my old house behind stardust bowl and money was never an issue. i never deserved nice things anyway.
whos says i cant want to live in my past? my earliest years were the ones that had me smiling the most. my parents were always happy. i looked up to my brother, not the other way around. back to when i was destined to be a doctor. or the next michael jordan. back to the summer of 95 where there was a huge heat wave and i played basketball in the middle of the day, everyday, until it was too dark to play, which is why im so dark. back to when i first ran on a track. when i won my first race. heck, i'll settle for when i crossed the finish line in my last race and i went up to john and gave him a hug. because that was it. that was how it was supposed to end.
so thats how it goes. i fear the future because i fear my own failure. i liked it when i had potential. and now i've got none, and i've got no one. it's not ironic that every entry in this journal is depressing. this is the only place i'll allow myself to be sad. because, fuck, if nothing else, at least i can feel. i dont flip my hair. i dont go to hawthorne. i dont eat my feelings.
my parents never pretended. i knew since day 1 there was no santa. or the tooth fairy. christmas wasnt a big holiday in my house. everything was always a money issue. still is. i realize now that my family cares more about pride and image than love and humility. awesome. i cant complain. i really have no right to. here i am sitting at a huge ass university which gave me a scholarship for god knows why and my parents, no matter how little they say or show it, love me, a brother who never argues with me, and [at least i pretend to think] friends that care about me. and i know im not good enough for them.
and even with all this, my phone is silent. unless someone needs something. or to know something. i fool myself into forgetting that everything is motivated. theres a reason behind every action. a feeling behind every word. just dont forget that eventually i'll figure it out. it might be today, or three weeks later. you care about others than you do me. and its cool. i get it. but dont hide it.
im catching on and catching up, to all the things that slipped my heart and my mind.
good night world. hopefully you'll still be standing when i wake up. and i can fake another day once more.