i cant believe you.
something's very wrong here.
your heart has frozen over.
and something's very strange here.
you've lost all desire.
i realized today exactly why it has been so long since i last talked to you. you never change. do you even listen to me, or did your stubbornness make your cave in? why is it that i could never just be good enough for you? for either of you. what do you want from me? you have yet to explain to me why you want me to be a damn pharmacist so bad. and why you can just accept the fact that i am not going to be one. how many times do i have to tell you? have you ever listened to me? what did i ever do to let you down? what have i done to never have your support? why am i such a failure to you? what more do you want from me? i am tired. i've spent 18 years trying to maybe make you somewhat proud, but nothing was ever good enough. it was just another honor roll or just another track medal. nothing to make a big fuss over. but when it came to going to blesson's volleyball games, or when blesson made the honor roll, then everything all of a sudden became a spectacle. that missing it would just be foolish. and dont feed me the "we knew you could do it but blesson needed the encouragement to succeed" bullshit. i really didnt want much. a simple "i'm proud of you, son" would have sufficed. but it was never more than pre-dinner talk. like it wasnt even a topic of discussion. "oh, brian's grades came today, 5 a's, 1 b" "oh thats nice" of course it was easy for you to pick me apart the second it seemed i was struggling.. "you work too much" "this is what you get for hanging out with friends" "you spend all this time doing nothing but watching tv or going online and staying up late, no wonder why you're grades arent good" and then at the end it turned out alright and all of a sudden it wasnt a big deal anymore. time and time again i proved you wrong, and you kept quiet. thank you for pointing out each and every one of my faults. and making sure everyone and their mother who lives in india knows about it. only proud of me when it makes you look good. figures. and what was it that you said? "you're friends are no more. you're on your own. they've moved on with their lives, its time for you to move on with yours. forget your friends, they've certainly forgotten about you." thanks. but at least when i talk to them, whether they are there for me or not, they take the time to listen. thats one thing they have done that you could never do. it was always what was best for you, wasnt it? it was never about me or blesson. it was about sam. sam's house. sam's things. sam's kids. and mom just followed you because thats the person she is. faithful. loyal. loving. but even she fell into your lies. telling her that she spoiled me. that i have way more than i deserve. and its true. i have lived a very blessed life. but to close the phone on me today, dad, only shows that you are the same man that you have always been. running away from your children. i needed you. i needed mom. and both of you, you're biggest concern, is whether or not im staying in pharmacy. and i gave you a damn answer. and you still hope that im gonna change my mind? why? you want me to come home? why? do you even care about what i want? or are you just embarrassed because i didnt end up becoming what i thought i would. i didnt fulfill your lifelong dream as the son to make you proud. as usual, i have let you down again. and there is no proving you wrong. you got me. is this what you wanted? to see me miserable? is this supposed to teach me some sort of lesson? or are you ignorant to your own actions. with each passing day of silence i realize that you care for me less. sometimes i wonder if you even care at all anymore. and why shouldnt i? the last two times i've tried to talk to you, your biggest concern wasnt how i was doing, but whether or not i was going to be a god damn pharmacist. yeah dad, i'll be a pharmacist. just as soon as you become father of the year.
and mom, you dont think i cant tell that every word you say to me comes out with pain. i know somethings wrong. i know i have let you down. you cant lie to me. you never could. and i could never look in your eyes and lie to you. thats just never how we were. but why do you feel pain, mom? you've carried the burden for so long. this is my life, now. you cant change my mind on this one. i'm sorry. and it kills me because i know you cry each day praying for me that i am doing well. but there is no way i will be what you want me to be. and i know, thats what i promised you when i was younger. maybe i will find that treasure for you someday, mom. but it wont be in the form of a salary for being a pharmacist. i know its hard for you to understand, but i dont know what else to do. i hate speaking three words to you a day and keeping the truth away. but i dont want you to worry about me. you dont need the stress. but tell me, what should have i done? stayed with it, fought it out, and be miserable? this isnt something i can do for you, mom. this is my life. and i know this wont be the first time we disagree on whats best for me, but quite frankly, you dont control that anymore. i love you, but do you really expect me to leave any chance of living a happy life just to make you happy? isnt that what you always told me not to do, but i did it anyway? im sorry. there are many choices, sure. but i know what i am going to tell you eventually will not be what you want to hear.
and i am afraid because i have let you down. wasted your money. and even somehow i feel bad for ruining your precious images as great parents. you havent failed. i have. right? because after all, its my life.
i've spent all of my nights wide awake.
wishing for some kind of poison to take.
so that my conscience would just take a break.
i am so tired of the noise that it makes.
i'm guilty enough without hearing it twice.
please don't hate me.
you won't give it up,
but it's all in your eyes.
Please don't hate me for this.
your heart has frozen over.
and something's very strange here.
you've lost all desire.
i realized today exactly why it has been so long since i last talked to you. you never change. do you even listen to me, or did your stubbornness make your cave in? why is it that i could never just be good enough for you? for either of you. what do you want from me? you have yet to explain to me why you want me to be a damn pharmacist so bad. and why you can just accept the fact that i am not going to be one. how many times do i have to tell you? have you ever listened to me? what did i ever do to let you down? what have i done to never have your support? why am i such a failure to you? what more do you want from me? i am tired. i've spent 18 years trying to maybe make you somewhat proud, but nothing was ever good enough. it was just another honor roll or just another track medal. nothing to make a big fuss over. but when it came to going to blesson's volleyball games, or when blesson made the honor roll, then everything all of a sudden became a spectacle. that missing it would just be foolish. and dont feed me the "we knew you could do it but blesson needed the encouragement to succeed" bullshit. i really didnt want much. a simple "i'm proud of you, son" would have sufficed. but it was never more than pre-dinner talk. like it wasnt even a topic of discussion. "oh, brian's grades came today, 5 a's, 1 b" "oh thats nice" of course it was easy for you to pick me apart the second it seemed i was struggling.. "you work too much" "this is what you get for hanging out with friends" "you spend all this time doing nothing but watching tv or going online and staying up late, no wonder why you're grades arent good" and then at the end it turned out alright and all of a sudden it wasnt a big deal anymore. time and time again i proved you wrong, and you kept quiet. thank you for pointing out each and every one of my faults. and making sure everyone and their mother who lives in india knows about it. only proud of me when it makes you look good. figures. and what was it that you said? "you're friends are no more. you're on your own. they've moved on with their lives, its time for you to move on with yours. forget your friends, they've certainly forgotten about you." thanks. but at least when i talk to them, whether they are there for me or not, they take the time to listen. thats one thing they have done that you could never do. it was always what was best for you, wasnt it? it was never about me or blesson. it was about sam. sam's house. sam's things. sam's kids. and mom just followed you because thats the person she is. faithful. loyal. loving. but even she fell into your lies. telling her that she spoiled me. that i have way more than i deserve. and its true. i have lived a very blessed life. but to close the phone on me today, dad, only shows that you are the same man that you have always been. running away from your children. i needed you. i needed mom. and both of you, you're biggest concern, is whether or not im staying in pharmacy. and i gave you a damn answer. and you still hope that im gonna change my mind? why? you want me to come home? why? do you even care about what i want? or are you just embarrassed because i didnt end up becoming what i thought i would. i didnt fulfill your lifelong dream as the son to make you proud. as usual, i have let you down again. and there is no proving you wrong. you got me. is this what you wanted? to see me miserable? is this supposed to teach me some sort of lesson? or are you ignorant to your own actions. with each passing day of silence i realize that you care for me less. sometimes i wonder if you even care at all anymore. and why shouldnt i? the last two times i've tried to talk to you, your biggest concern wasnt how i was doing, but whether or not i was going to be a god damn pharmacist. yeah dad, i'll be a pharmacist. just as soon as you become father of the year.
and mom, you dont think i cant tell that every word you say to me comes out with pain. i know somethings wrong. i know i have let you down. you cant lie to me. you never could. and i could never look in your eyes and lie to you. thats just never how we were. but why do you feel pain, mom? you've carried the burden for so long. this is my life, now. you cant change my mind on this one. i'm sorry. and it kills me because i know you cry each day praying for me that i am doing well. but there is no way i will be what you want me to be. and i know, thats what i promised you when i was younger. maybe i will find that treasure for you someday, mom. but it wont be in the form of a salary for being a pharmacist. i know its hard for you to understand, but i dont know what else to do. i hate speaking three words to you a day and keeping the truth away. but i dont want you to worry about me. you dont need the stress. but tell me, what should have i done? stayed with it, fought it out, and be miserable? this isnt something i can do for you, mom. this is my life. and i know this wont be the first time we disagree on whats best for me, but quite frankly, you dont control that anymore. i love you, but do you really expect me to leave any chance of living a happy life just to make you happy? isnt that what you always told me not to do, but i did it anyway? im sorry. there are many choices, sure. but i know what i am going to tell you eventually will not be what you want to hear.
and i am afraid because i have let you down. wasted your money. and even somehow i feel bad for ruining your precious images as great parents. you havent failed. i have. right? because after all, its my life.
i've spent all of my nights wide awake.
wishing for some kind of poison to take.
so that my conscience would just take a break.
i am so tired of the noise that it makes.
i'm guilty enough without hearing it twice.
please don't hate me.
you won't give it up,
but it's all in your eyes.
Please don't hate me for this.