and i do regret more than i admit.

[brabit1988]

so i finally decided to tell my mom that im going to minnesota and she freaked as if i had just told her i've been on acid for the past year. or that i committed murder. she said i wasnt thinking straight and that i'm not making sense and she was crying hysterically and was upset and said that i was giving her a headache. all of this because im going to visit my best friend. this isnt a fight i plan on losing. i have every intention of going to minnesota. she said that if i go then dont even bother coming home. and at this point, and i have had a day to think about this, if she could just let go of me like that, then i want nothing to do with it. i love my mother more than anything, but does she not think her words don't hurt me? making me choose between my friends and my family. saying that my friends mean nothing and that i shouldnt be having any. what does she know about what they mean to me. how about when her and my dad didnt want anything to do with me after i told them i wasnt going to do pharmacy. who was there for me then? they turned their backs on me so fast. and they still haven't really warmed up to the idea. im fed up with not being good enough. with everything about my mom not telling her sisters or anyone outside of our family i switched majors, pretending like i was still doing pharmacy, lying to them, telling me that i have to fall in love a certain way, its all just adding up. and this is the last straw. please dont tell me my friends mean nothing because when you turned your back on me they didnt. and im not saying i would be okay without you, but if you really think kicking me out of the house is the answer then i guess i really did fail you as a son. if you only knew half of the things i could have done, if you had any idea of what im going through, what its like to be here in this position. im still not over how last year you just stopped caring so quickly. everything was fine and dandy until i wasnt doing pharmacy anymore. and then all of a sudden i wasnt the same son in your eyes.and you couldnt face the fact that i'm not the 5 year old boy who would eat up every word you said as if it was the truth. i see the world from eyes other than yours, and our perceptions are too varied to try and blur them into a compromise. here i am, just finished taking an exam less than 12 hours ago, having another exam in less than 8 hours, and another exam the following day, and all i can think about is how all i end up doing is disappointing you. how upset i make you. the days of me making you proud are over. because i could only make you proud as a pharmacist. i could only make you proud marrying an indian girl from our community. i could only make you proud by standards you have set in a world i do not live in. just go ahead and say it, im not your son. you might as well, telling every single detail to your sisters besides the insignificant tiny little detail about me changing majors and not being what you had no problem bragging to everyone originally. did i bring you shame? im sorry if i caused you pain. im sorry that you shed all those tears, im sorry i failed you. i guess that means you dont love me anymore either? that you could actually tell me that i shouldnt come home? is this the same person who everyday tells me that she just needs to hear my voice to make her day better? or does that only apply when i say the right words, the words you want to hear? i really dont think im a bad kid. i know im not perfect in any way, but i do know that i could be a lot worse. and im not saying you should be grateful, because im only a product of morals you gave me. maybe thats something you should take pride in. but you wont, because you just expect that. how come everything thats expected of me, upon completion, goes unheralded, as if it wasnt an achievement at all. and my failures have no trouble whatsoever in making its way into everyday conversation? i dont want to make this sound as if you're failures as parents, no parents are perfect. but what more do i have to do? you drain me. i feel like i have to constantly prove myself to you. every conversation i need to justify my actions. why did i go halfway across the country? to get away. i could not live in your house. i could not be near your house. there's a reason i didn't apply to a single in-state school. i had to separate myself. i had to find out who i am. you brainwashed me into thinking i was supposed to be this super-son who's going to med school or to be some sort of doctor. you never encouraged my hobbies. to this day all you care about is my grades. at least if im doing something else you just wanna make sure i dont fail out. i guess thats what you've resorted to. you have no genuine concern about what it is i want to do with my life. you are so absorbed in how other people view you, you could care less how i view you. or how you view me. the only perceptions that you care about are the perceptions of yourself. for someone who's so selfless in everything, how could you hate me the most for the things that matter the most. how could you discourage my happiness, and set limits on me? does it make you sleep better if you think you have control? if i really wanted to, i could go smoke weed every day of the week and find other drugs to ruin my life and truly waste my money. let me live. let me breathe. or if i do that, i cant possibly be your son anymore? if im nothing more to you than the image i portray, then go ahead and put me in album of things you could care less about and store me in the basement of your mind.

i'm sick of being me. i need a vacation away from myself. i cant help but immerse myself in others and try and see how great life would be in their eyes. its subconscious, wanting to be other people. though im sure everyone has their problems, i just cant stop and wonder. my mind wanders often lately wondering how the lack of decision and impulse in my past has affected how things are today. i guess this year will have a great impact on who i will become, and it makes me nervous. as much as i have "failed" my parents already, i dont want to fail myself. but i just keep expecting myself to. i cant snap out of this trance. i cant wake up from this reality.

chalk this one up to emo bullshit and call it a night.