If any of you read this, give me a shout... even if I might not see it for another 4 years
So I find myself going through this website again; All of my posts, my friends entries, some good writing and some absolute garbage.
Its an eerie feeling, looking back on what you thought described you, the people you cherished and how distance has grown between these things that seem to be from a long forgotten time.
The teenage years are rarely said to be easy. Yet as life reveals its vast complexity simpler times seem like yesterday, times that were in themselves so challenging in ways that seem hard to imagine anymore. Trying to figure out who you were and what you stood for, or even harder yet, proving that you indeed were who you claimed to be to yourself and to your peers.
Its in this brief glimpse of my past that I begin to question, as I'm sure many do in this afterglow of adolescence, whether I am still who I thought I was, if I haven't changed for better or for worse.
Here I am today with a professional career, earning an education in a field that I never cared for or saw for myself. The experiences I've acquired I can't begin to describe as being a waste but I wonder still how my younger self would feel about the commitments I have made.
Simply put, I feel like I've sold out. Where is the rebel that used to talk of taking over the world, with burning a hole in the night? Have I come to terms with the fact that I'm incapable? Do I honestly believe that its not possible to live like a vagabond? Or have my values changed so much that I feel such a person is not a worthy member of society, that society is worthy of my membership?
The future is getting foggier as days pass, perhaps from the sheer pace of day to day and perhaps from realization that as unpredictable as life can be its not worth having a plan.
I still get this rabid curiosity about me now and then, this itch to pack up and leave everything behind. Five years ago it was a joke for lack of a better term, a noble ideal of how someone should live; out there somewhere to be dreamt but not within reach. Five years wiser and the whims of a 17 year old seem so much more possible now. The only restraints now are intangible: Contracts, obligations, appointments.
Its a tightrope walk, the line between responsibility and frivolity. We accept certain responsibilities to allow ourselves the freedom to do as we please in the ultimate Catch 22. Somewhere in this struggle lies the inner animal that objects to it all, that says enough with the superficiality of kinship in a structured world, that tells us to go and do as WE please, yet still suppressed by a fear of repercussion we do not understand or know is truly even there. We're pushed into a corner. What we could do becomes what we can do, what we might becomes what we may.
Such is adulthood I guess. Its the sacrifice of valor for a share of the bounty.
Beyond the facade of my struggle with shattered dreams of my future lies a bigger issue with my image. I've began to question, more than I ever did in adolescence, whether I'm right or not.
In this I mean: Do I truly enjoy who I am? I'm content, nonetheless, in the life I'm living, the path I've chosen, but should I be getting more out of it? Am I properly constructed mentally? Should I change something about how I act? I feel I've undoubtedly grown up, but there are still parts missing in my life, thoughts looming that I haven't figured out whether I should embrace them or wash them aside as trivial.
I've seen too many of my friendships, relationships, interests fade with time and I wonder if there isn't something I should be doing differently to hold on to them. I want more than anything, in this rambler lifestyle I have chosen, to have at least one thing to hold on to, to carry with me. It seems I may be unfit in this one area in my life above anything else, in my ability to sustain anything longer than I can hold an opinion. And so I question my being.
If change is inevitable, doubt is its bride. I'd just like to blissfully believe that some things may be immune to them both.
Its an eerie feeling, looking back on what you thought described you, the people you cherished and how distance has grown between these things that seem to be from a long forgotten time.
The teenage years are rarely said to be easy. Yet as life reveals its vast complexity simpler times seem like yesterday, times that were in themselves so challenging in ways that seem hard to imagine anymore. Trying to figure out who you were and what you stood for, or even harder yet, proving that you indeed were who you claimed to be to yourself and to your peers.
Its in this brief glimpse of my past that I begin to question, as I'm sure many do in this afterglow of adolescence, whether I am still who I thought I was, if I haven't changed for better or for worse.
Here I am today with a professional career, earning an education in a field that I never cared for or saw for myself. The experiences I've acquired I can't begin to describe as being a waste but I wonder still how my younger self would feel about the commitments I have made.
Simply put, I feel like I've sold out. Where is the rebel that used to talk of taking over the world, with burning a hole in the night? Have I come to terms with the fact that I'm incapable? Do I honestly believe that its not possible to live like a vagabond? Or have my values changed so much that I feel such a person is not a worthy member of society, that society is worthy of my membership?
The future is getting foggier as days pass, perhaps from the sheer pace of day to day and perhaps from realization that as unpredictable as life can be its not worth having a plan.
I still get this rabid curiosity about me now and then, this itch to pack up and leave everything behind. Five years ago it was a joke for lack of a better term, a noble ideal of how someone should live; out there somewhere to be dreamt but not within reach. Five years wiser and the whims of a 17 year old seem so much more possible now. The only restraints now are intangible: Contracts, obligations, appointments.
Its a tightrope walk, the line between responsibility and frivolity. We accept certain responsibilities to allow ourselves the freedom to do as we please in the ultimate Catch 22. Somewhere in this struggle lies the inner animal that objects to it all, that says enough with the superficiality of kinship in a structured world, that tells us to go and do as WE please, yet still suppressed by a fear of repercussion we do not understand or know is truly even there. We're pushed into a corner. What we could do becomes what we can do, what we might becomes what we may.
Such is adulthood I guess. Its the sacrifice of valor for a share of the bounty.
Beyond the facade of my struggle with shattered dreams of my future lies a bigger issue with my image. I've began to question, more than I ever did in adolescence, whether I'm right or not.
In this I mean: Do I truly enjoy who I am? I'm content, nonetheless, in the life I'm living, the path I've chosen, but should I be getting more out of it? Am I properly constructed mentally? Should I change something about how I act? I feel I've undoubtedly grown up, but there are still parts missing in my life, thoughts looming that I haven't figured out whether I should embrace them or wash them aside as trivial.
I've seen too many of my friendships, relationships, interests fade with time and I wonder if there isn't something I should be doing differently to hold on to them. I want more than anything, in this rambler lifestyle I have chosen, to have at least one thing to hold on to, to carry with me. It seems I may be unfit in this one area in my life above anything else, in my ability to sustain anything longer than I can hold an opinion. And so I question my being.
If change is inevitable, doubt is its bride. I'd just like to blissfully believe that some things may be immune to them both.