Mimiko Hashimoto vs Aiko Sakada

[sashwizzled]

Okay, this isn't an FTD, it's two characters attempting on one another. Just treat it like two separate attempts.

Does Mimiko Hashimoto kill, wound or fail to injure Aiko Sakada?

Does Aiko Sakada kill, wound or fail to injure Mimiko Hashimoto?

The time is 2227 GMT - see you in 24 hours.

Comments

Wound both part 2

[rietje_1]

Aiko
Writing wise: Danny is doing fine. I think a consistent post layout can do you many favors though. Grammar/punctuation wise, I do spot some mistakes like a comma where it doesn’t belong. Stammering in thoughts isn’t, in my opinion, needed either. Sometimes, indeed, your dialog can sound awkward too. The enormous amounts of loose thoughts, while they do portray well how she’s all struggling and doubting can sometimes be a little tiring to read. Sometimes, Danny does include some nice dark humor which I think deserves to be mentioned.

Characterization: I liked the idea of her wanting to carry on Kei’s legacy. She was cute and naive. The idea of her trying to put the blame on her old bullies I think is realistic enough, makes her more immature. Concerning the bullying, the thing with the poop I really didn’t like and not to mention that the dialog in the scene felt very awkward. There are other, more common ways to bully someone then making someone eat poop or be hit by a peddle like name-calling, stealing, etc. Since you wanted intense bullying, then I would’ve loved to see this continued by Aiko being emotionally more damaged. For instance by therapy? Maybe as a reason for why she's playing? Overall, you could've explored this territory (the emotional aftermath of bullying) better.

Her throwing a grenade because she assumed someone was attacking Mimiko suited her paranoia plus established her crush on Mimiko well I think. But why didn't she doubt? Rukia was a friend too and not to mention that with a grenade, everything explodes. I’m surprised none of the two girls blew up. I understand the reason for doing this but Mimiko was there! It seemed too risky for someone who's that much in love.

I liked the small flashbacks that showed a bit more how she was introduced in the clique. However, I want to know when she started to realize she was a lesbian. Does her family suspect something? And the kiss, well, I think it was too poetically described for a playful girl.

The flashbacks with her parents were alright as filler. I liked to read her weird way of words to put emphasis on that she was only six, it was cute.
The one as a new student was kind of confusing, the start was great and drew a nice picture but the end with her deciding to flirt… ok contradicting to what I said in a comment, I don’t understand how flirting will make people act less perverted. I can see it work if it’s just “If I act nice to them regardless of how they treat me, they might like me” though.

The fight. I still think that it was powerful. I however didn’t like how Aiko wanted Mimiko dead. Sure, she was hurt and stuff but Aiko seemed very much head over heels for Mimiko and I think you could’ve made her inner struggle for trying to kill her crush a little better then just “I hate her, no wait, I love her”. The attempt was great, don't get me wrong, I think that with a little more uhm, expanding it, maybe a flashback before the fight about what made her like Mimiko so much would've improved it.

NPC use: Grenades, well, I can assume that they blow up a lot and if it’s thrown at you and you don’t get the fuck out right away, you’re blown up with everything around you and I think that Rukia should've been blown up for an NPC death just because of that. Rukia in one of the later flashbacks seemed great, realistic.

Tsukiko was fine, she seemed very intriguing. The idea of someone trying to find a way out was nice, but I would love to know why Tsukiko trusted her with this, were the two of them on some sort of good basis at school? Hikari, well, like I said in the Miyako vote: I think everyone is starting to make Hikari too much like someone that everyone blindly confides in and who notices everything, even though she’s blind. I appreciate the girls are admiring her for having stuff she still can do, but how did Hikari notice that Aiko was crushing?

Anyway, I think that that it has to be said to the both of you: for a first try this isn’t bad and I can see you two are trying hard. Yeah, sounds weird coming from a newbie herself but I think you could've done a lot worse.

Anyway, I'm going with both wounding each other.

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And sorry for spamming the mods' inboxes for deleting my original and way too long vote by the way.