Mimiko Hashimoto vs Aiko Sakada

[sashwizzled]

Okay, this isn't an FTD, it's two characters attempting on one another. Just treat it like two separate attempts.

Does Mimiko Hashimoto kill, wound or fail to injure Aiko Sakada?

Does Aiko Sakada kill, wound or fail to injure Mimiko Hashimoto?

The time is 2227 GMT - see you in 24 hours.

Comments

Wound, Wound [2/2]

[theonlyjosh]

Mimiko: Okay, I think you're writing ability you are improving in. The layout on the latest post was much easier to read and the font. However, sometimes descriptions like what's going on in the post can be confusing,example with the latest girl fight. I wasn't totally sure at first who killed who or where the characters are. Just making it clearer makes it an lot easier to avoid the readers pondering on the outcomes.Basic descriptions though are alright like travelling etc.

Dialogue can seem a bit fictional and clunky at times so like I had to do just read through it out loud and sees if it makes sense and sounds realistic. Grammar seems alright but just watch out for the easy mistakes like a space when not needed and capital letters. I admit I can't get into reading your posts fully at the moment as dosen't seem to flow naturally but it's an great improvement from Shinji though. ^^

Mimiko I seem to like more at the beginning. Being the leader of the nice girl's clique and all was a good responsbility to toy with. I would like to see if she has the same leadership qualities in other aspects a little more or if there's something that she's not-so good in. As the leader I would like to see just a bit more of the individual relationship with each girl respectfully while still showing them all as an group. Also perhaps making them more involved with the rest of the class instead of seperated can be good. However, maybe not just showing her as the nice girl's leader a little less can help. Like what she does alone and how she spends her time alone. Because at the moment that's the main thing I just know her as. There's that fling or something with Eizo (which I really wanna see the scene for that or just something occur between them) but not much else. Relationships/interaction with more character, which I know you're trying to do, be good.

Flashbacks do seem to lack in something. Perhaps it's the descriptions or just the gist of them, I'm not sure. Like the dream one was quite odd (that's probably the point but just a little too odd perhaps?), especially with refrences from Saw movies. It also was hard to follow. Other flashbacks don't seem to be shown naturally but more like 'and Mimiko thought of this time...' It's different, maybe just my personal taste but seems to distract from the plot a little. The Mao flashback with her fear of blood (forgot the name, sorry D:) was over-used a little also.

NPC handling been okay. Could just be a little better but it's an start. Mao I feel sometimes not the same person as been shown in flashbacks like dialogue-wise but it's still good enough. But same with Aiko; move onto different people, more favourbly outside the clique. It will help. :)

I think more or less Aiko and Mimiko are on the same levels. Perhaps I like Aiko just a tad more but both need improving now we're half-way through. I totally respect and understand both you're first OC game and everyone has to start somewhere. If one or both you survive this then hopefully I've helped to start making improvements but both wound for me. Good luck guys! <3