(no subject)

[br3ndl]

I’ve told people what happened, and i know what happened, i remember what happened. But i don’t think until now i’ve really thought about that day. Tommorow. I remember the faces, i remember the cries, i remember waking my sister up to tell her what had happened. I remember coming to my computer to write in here that my dad had just had a heart attack in total shock, but still with the hope that nothing bad was going to happen. Of course i would, because things like this don’t happen to my family.... I remember blaming people, i remember the excruciating wait to follow my dad to the hospital where they were going to save him. We never made that trip. I remember exactly where i was, with my right arm around my mom as the parametic came to tell us the news..... "I’m affraid we have bad news". I remember my mom yelling... i remember turning away and holding back my tears for my mom. I remember everyone that came to the door that day. I remember punching random holes in our walls... i remember the only thing i eat that day, a ham and cheese sandwich with cucumbers and tomatoes. I remember the movies i watched... I remember everyone that came up to me to tell me they loved me... I remember that i didn’t respond to a single person. I wish i could go back. If i wouldn’t have left to rent those movies would things have gone different? There are so many what ifs!! If i would have done something different would things have changed? It drives me almost insane thinking about them....

I know it’s tommorow.... I know, but i can’t help feeling this way already...

I can’t help this emptiness.. i can’t help it...

It hurts... it’s not just a regular sad mood, but it physically hurts... I feel so alone.

I know only one thing could make this go away, and that’s killing me....

I’m hurt.