ugh, please help.
okay i have nobody to talk to lately so, sorry, but can you please listen? the littlest things get to me lately, so if it sounds stupid, i'm really sorry, i just can't deal with this..
well starting off, last night i cut, really deep, like the blood dripped off my arm. and i was really proud and happy with myself.
today has to have been the worst day since... i left the "hospital." i don't know why, its not like anything that horrible happened.
first, just school sucked. my best friend was wicked depressed. but i don't really see how she's my best friend when i don't feel like i can talk to her.. but yeah, her being sad, made me sad too. then my lunch sucked. i had no friends. so i sat with people and they're all better than me or whatever, so i felt really out of place and they were talking trash about someone and it made me feel really bad. in history we have to do this play thing, but my group doesn't do any work and its due tomorrow. so i wrote the whole script today, by myself. then i stayed after because i thought my friend was gonna come over and her mom was gonna drive us home. but she couldn't, because she had to go to work. so i had no ride home. then i just got a ride with some kid that i'm kinda friends with..
then when i got home, my sister wanted to take a pic of me and her, but i didn't want to. so she gets pissed and throws all my shit off the chair, so i slap her. and i don't know, this just pissed me off so much. i punched the fridge, there's a dent in it. i couldn't calm down. i wanted to cut. but i didn't b/c, i dono, it was too early? i know that sounds odd, but i guess its true.
then when my mom came home, she could tell we were both pissed and goes you guys are in a bad mood. now if you're in a bad mood, then someone tells you you are, it makes it worse. yaknow?
so then at dinner, i tell my mom i don't want cheese or a bun on my hamburger. (i'm trying to go on a diet because i got a new bathing suit-its my motivation) so i get my hamburger. then she's like do you want fries? i say no. so then she flips and says i should have told her so she didn't have to make so many and that its a waste and whatnot. so i scream fine i'll have fries. then nicely i say, i'm trying to go on a diet you know. and she goes, well you have to eat dinner. i don't get it, hamburger isn't dinner?
um so then i have to do the dishes. and i don't know why, but every time i do the dishes i get wicked pissed and almost cry. so she tells me to do them and i say how much i hate it and whatnot. then i do them after complaining about how there's bowls and we didn't even use any for dinner or whatever. then i get to some pan and it has like onions crusted on it because my mom feels the need to cook onions with hamburgers. so i flip out. i scream at her "how am i supposed to clean this!?" then i started scrubbing, really hard, and the juice stuff went like... on the walls. so that pissed me off even worse. and i start like crying. then it wouldn't get clean, so i start crying even worse. and then i decide to do it really slow and eventually i finally get it clean, and nobody even noticed my fit while i was doing the dishes.
so then my aunt calls. apparently my uncle saw some burnt tissues in the bathroom sink. which i denied to her. but she knew i did it, but i still denied it. so then later she makes me come to her room to "talk" and she's like.. tell me the truth. and i'm like why, you already know the truth. and she's like because i want to hear you say it. then she said something like, what was it? and i was like.. i burnt tissues, in the sink. so yeah. then i was like why does it matter? and she didn't say anything so i was like.. that's what i thought. and she goes... people will think you're a pyro. LIKE I CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK. and anyways, maybe i am... who cares.
ugh, and then i feel wicked left out with my friends and i never have anyone to talk to anymore. i miss all my friends. i miss my best friend. i need her back. my life is slowly breaking apart.
and btw, yesterday i got my medicine dosage increased, so its not like i'm not being treated for depression and that's why i flipped out. i don't know why. and just to let you know, i'm not on my period either. haha. so yeah... why did i flip out. what the hell is wrong with me.
i hate my life.
then i saw my friend's friend's journal. haha. and it said something like i just signed myself out of getting my stomach pumped or something, so i get this urge to go swallow my whole bottle of sleeping pills and antidepressants and aspirin at once.
what the fuck is wrong with me.
and i know i'm gonna cut tonight, i'll prob do it really deep again because i like the outcome yesterday. i promised my therapist i wouldn't cut too. so i feel bad. but whatever, i stopped for a week, i can stop if i want. i just don't see why i should yaknow? its not like there are any consequences. 1.going to the hospital again. um, i liked it there, that would be a good thing. 2.i'll die. um, no, because i do it very carefully, so that i won't die. and i'm kinda scared to die so i don't want to. and plus, someone would find me before i could die anyways. so yeah, cross that one off.
well starting off, last night i cut, really deep, like the blood dripped off my arm. and i was really proud and happy with myself.
today has to have been the worst day since... i left the "hospital." i don't know why, its not like anything that horrible happened.
first, just school sucked. my best friend was wicked depressed. but i don't really see how she's my best friend when i don't feel like i can talk to her.. but yeah, her being sad, made me sad too. then my lunch sucked. i had no friends. so i sat with people and they're all better than me or whatever, so i felt really out of place and they were talking trash about someone and it made me feel really bad. in history we have to do this play thing, but my group doesn't do any work and its due tomorrow. so i wrote the whole script today, by myself. then i stayed after because i thought my friend was gonna come over and her mom was gonna drive us home. but she couldn't, because she had to go to work. so i had no ride home. then i just got a ride with some kid that i'm kinda friends with..
then when i got home, my sister wanted to take a pic of me and her, but i didn't want to. so she gets pissed and throws all my shit off the chair, so i slap her. and i don't know, this just pissed me off so much. i punched the fridge, there's a dent in it. i couldn't calm down. i wanted to cut. but i didn't b/c, i dono, it was too early? i know that sounds odd, but i guess its true.
then when my mom came home, she could tell we were both pissed and goes you guys are in a bad mood. now if you're in a bad mood, then someone tells you you are, it makes it worse. yaknow?
so then at dinner, i tell my mom i don't want cheese or a bun on my hamburger. (i'm trying to go on a diet because i got a new bathing suit-its my motivation) so i get my hamburger. then she's like do you want fries? i say no. so then she flips and says i should have told her so she didn't have to make so many and that its a waste and whatnot. so i scream fine i'll have fries. then nicely i say, i'm trying to go on a diet you know. and she goes, well you have to eat dinner. i don't get it, hamburger isn't dinner?
um so then i have to do the dishes. and i don't know why, but every time i do the dishes i get wicked pissed and almost cry. so she tells me to do them and i say how much i hate it and whatnot. then i do them after complaining about how there's bowls and we didn't even use any for dinner or whatever. then i get to some pan and it has like onions crusted on it because my mom feels the need to cook onions with hamburgers. so i flip out. i scream at her "how am i supposed to clean this!?" then i started scrubbing, really hard, and the juice stuff went like... on the walls. so that pissed me off even worse. and i start like crying. then it wouldn't get clean, so i start crying even worse. and then i decide to do it really slow and eventually i finally get it clean, and nobody even noticed my fit while i was doing the dishes.
so then my aunt calls. apparently my uncle saw some burnt tissues in the bathroom sink. which i denied to her. but she knew i did it, but i still denied it. so then later she makes me come to her room to "talk" and she's like.. tell me the truth. and i'm like why, you already know the truth. and she's like because i want to hear you say it. then she said something like, what was it? and i was like.. i burnt tissues, in the sink. so yeah. then i was like why does it matter? and she didn't say anything so i was like.. that's what i thought. and she goes... people will think you're a pyro. LIKE I CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK. and anyways, maybe i am... who cares.
ugh, and then i feel wicked left out with my friends and i never have anyone to talk to anymore. i miss all my friends. i miss my best friend. i need her back. my life is slowly breaking apart.
and btw, yesterday i got my medicine dosage increased, so its not like i'm not being treated for depression and that's why i flipped out. i don't know why. and just to let you know, i'm not on my period either. haha. so yeah... why did i flip out. what the hell is wrong with me.
i hate my life.
then i saw my friend's friend's journal. haha. and it said something like i just signed myself out of getting my stomach pumped or something, so i get this urge to go swallow my whole bottle of sleeping pills and antidepressants and aspirin at once.
what the fuck is wrong with me.
and i know i'm gonna cut tonight, i'll prob do it really deep again because i like the outcome yesterday. i promised my therapist i wouldn't cut too. so i feel bad. but whatever, i stopped for a week, i can stop if i want. i just don't see why i should yaknow? its not like there are any consequences. 1.going to the hospital again. um, i liked it there, that would be a good thing. 2.i'll die. um, no, because i do it very carefully, so that i won't die. and i'm kinda scared to die so i don't want to. and plus, someone would find me before i could die anyways. so yeah, cross that one off.