(no subject)
december 31st, 2008
december 31st, 2008
december thirty-first two thousand eight.
fuck.
fuckfuckfuck.
this journal entry is so necessary i can't even start.
I feel so strange and disconnected and confused and grounded and needy and happy and angry and sad all at the same time. It's weird I have never hated or loved myself more in my life. I'm in this odd point in my life that i can't explain. I think I stopped thinking about it..I'm pretty sure I stopped analyzing my life and taking a step back to just watch and understand for awhile and I hate it. I want to be normal again. I want to be happy and confident and just a little carefree about the small stuff because I've been some kind of freak and I don't know if it's my health or my mind or god knows what, but it's driving me insane (if you can't tell by my constant rambling).
I have never been more in love with my commack friends than I am right now at this very moment. I could not love my parents or my brother more. I love home. I love the word. I love the color of my almost finished room. I love the smell of my perfume I love my sheets I love my dress I love my hair. It seems so great. It seems like..WOW. but the problem is that I'm having a problem with ME--my body, my face, my personality. And it just...it just drives me crazy because i've spent the last couple of months trying not to hate myself, trying to like myself better, to appreciate myself, to gain that confidence that I used to have back but where has it gotten me? I'm stuck here, alone, where I have been since who knows? 2007?! (when i started my habit of self-loathing) I keep think i'm moving forward but maybe i'm getting farther and farther away from where I want to be.
one thing 2008 has taught me is that i can't rely on anyone. those who you feel are the closest to you in your heart will someday just disappear and as much as you try or hope they probably won't come back. truth is it's better off that way. truth is--if it's worth it, they'll come back.
in 2009 i will learn to like myself. in 2009 i won't need people to make me feel like i have any worth. in 2009 i won't be lazy. in 2009 i will work harder to get closer to my dreams. in 2009 i won't pity myself. in 2009 i'll believe in myself. in 2009 i'll be grateful for the things i have. in 2009 i will be a better friend. in 2009 i will be a better daughter. in 2009 i won't be afraid to take risks. in 2009 i will travel and explore. in 2009 i will finish things i have started. in 2009 i won't let things bother me. in 2009 I WILL GET OVER YOU. in 2009 i will learn to be myself.
in 2009 i will be happy.
december 31st, 2008
december thirty-first two thousand eight.
fuck.
fuckfuckfuck.
this journal entry is so necessary i can't even start.
I feel so strange and disconnected and confused and grounded and needy and happy and angry and sad all at the same time. It's weird I have never hated or loved myself more in my life. I'm in this odd point in my life that i can't explain. I think I stopped thinking about it..I'm pretty sure I stopped analyzing my life and taking a step back to just watch and understand for awhile and I hate it. I want to be normal again. I want to be happy and confident and just a little carefree about the small stuff because I've been some kind of freak and I don't know if it's my health or my mind or god knows what, but it's driving me insane (if you can't tell by my constant rambling).
I have never been more in love with my commack friends than I am right now at this very moment. I could not love my parents or my brother more. I love home. I love the word. I love the color of my almost finished room. I love the smell of my perfume I love my sheets I love my dress I love my hair. It seems so great. It seems like..WOW. but the problem is that I'm having a problem with ME--my body, my face, my personality. And it just...it just drives me crazy because i've spent the last couple of months trying not to hate myself, trying to like myself better, to appreciate myself, to gain that confidence that I used to have back but where has it gotten me? I'm stuck here, alone, where I have been since who knows? 2007?! (when i started my habit of self-loathing) I keep think i'm moving forward but maybe i'm getting farther and farther away from where I want to be.
one thing 2008 has taught me is that i can't rely on anyone. those who you feel are the closest to you in your heart will someday just disappear and as much as you try or hope they probably won't come back. truth is it's better off that way. truth is--if it's worth it, they'll come back.
in 2009 i will learn to like myself. in 2009 i won't need people to make me feel like i have any worth. in 2009 i won't be lazy. in 2009 i will work harder to get closer to my dreams. in 2009 i won't pity myself. in 2009 i'll believe in myself. in 2009 i'll be grateful for the things i have. in 2009 i will be a better friend. in 2009 i will be a better daughter. in 2009 i won't be afraid to take risks. in 2009 i will travel and explore. in 2009 i will finish things i have started. in 2009 i won't let things bother me. in 2009 I WILL GET OVER YOU. in 2009 i will learn to be myself.
in 2009 i will be happy.