disaster.
so much is happening so fast,
i don't even know whats going on anymore.
and it kills me that when i really need you,
you aren't to be found.
i never cry,
but that's all i've been doing.
or fighting back tears.
death never bothered me before,
but this is such an overwhelming situation.
i feel so selfish.
i don't want to fly,
or be around crying people,
or watch everything in my life change.
i don't want to share my house with them,
or see my mother hurt,
and especially be suck "here".
i'm in a billion pieces,
and i have no energy to pick them up.
i'm sick of being mommy number 2,
and a mediator,
and a therepist,
and everything everyone needs me to me.
i just want someone to make me feel like everything is okay,
like maybe stuff like this happens for some odd reason,
a reason we just have to accept.
and i'm sick of consoling myself,
and feeling guilty for not knowing you better,
or talking on the phone more,
or staying longer and visiting more often.
i feel like i failed you,
and left you hanging in the end.
i'm sorry.