2020: review of the year
What a year! I feel ashamed to bring it on the table again, because I know how all of you are tired of it. However, as the free days happened to be after the NY, that's the only way to find some time for writings...
Funny enough, the year wasn't totally bad for me. Some highlights are: remote work (I didn't sleep so well and didn't feel so great since many years as in the spring/summer of 2020!), the rise of cycling during the spring lockdown (I was clearly on the crest of a wave during this short and beautiful time, as everyone asked about bikes/gear/routes), being in a right place (comparing to the other countries, Switzerland was and is a good place to survive the corona times, without curfews and such nonsense) and enjoying (at least at times) great time with friends, meetings with new people, living alone and not being in a relationship.
Some not very nice things happened this year as well, so the overall impact is rather negative, I'd say... Let's see what was 2020 about in more details.
Place of the year - Sompasauna and Sauna Enge
City of the year - Konstanz
Street of the year - Guldenenstrasse
Work of the year - diving into the world of TypeScript
Food of the year - Planted
Like-minded person of the year - Natascha; thank you for the great time, for all the stories we shared and stuff we've done together, for the first kiss and all the others, for being genuine, honest with me, for trusting me and for everything else!
Positive change of the year - fully remote work, isn't it awesome?
The most sad event of the year - depression and lack of physical power by the end of the year
The most joyful event of the year - plenty of them actually; but I can't help smiling every time I remember taking a group selfie near Bachtel mountain: me and 4 girls, all on bikes
Evil of the year - Mr. Coronavirus itself, but also all the rushed and out-of-scale restrictions and the overly heated conversation around them
Good of the year - the support of my friends, family and sometimes even complete strangers; (mostly) respectful, calm and way better than I could expect relationship with my ex after the initial turmoil
Clothes of the year - nothing to mention here
Achievement of the year - better job (and the possibility to work 4 days only!); not catching coronavirus somehow (I'm very surprised actually); better understanding of myself, my core values, my limits, and accepting all that little by little; more flexibility (OMG! I have a bike with thin and sleek road tires now!)
Phrase of the year - "let's agree to disagree"
Symbol of the year - round and fluffy coronavirus particle
The worst day of the year - 23rd December
The best day of the year - 18th July
Acquaintance of the year - many! great Couchsurfing guests, friends of friends, ex-coworkers turning into friends, someone's flatmates, Meetup people and the general "random acts of kindness" here and there
Self-realization of the year - started psychotherapy again (after 4 years break), organized some cool bike tours and took over Zurich Bike Rides Meetup group, tried snowshoeing (and right away with a hardcore trip off the marked paths, with an overnighter in a tent at 2000 m), for the first time in my life have seen a glacier and tried a full-suspension mountain bike, tried F+ relationships, stopped buying/eating sweets
Disappointment of the year - fragility of friendships
Parting of the year - with my mum in March, when it was already clear that we might not see each other for a very long time (the coronavirus chaos started exactly on those days)
Movie of the year - Fucking Åmål (finally watched it!)
Concert of the year - are you kidding? ;) but I am really looking forward to attending one when all this is over
Book of the year - Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends
Work
I let my anger go in the last year's review, so now about the good things. It's so funny: what started as a way to "punish" me produced negative outcome for the previous company (they lost someone with valuable skills and experience in exactly their area & technology stack), but positive outcome for me: more money, different area and technologies, a bit more flexibility and more confidence in myself regarding professional abilities. The transition was painful, as I described, but now from 2020 I can just thank you for being so unkind to me that I decided to leave. It changed my life to better :)
As I said, I wanted to switch the area from e-commerce to something else, but was afraid to lose in income. That wasn't the case, actually I got more money. (Just to make it clear: it's not a magic fairy helping me or a lucky coincidence, I put some effort into that by picking right projects/tasks at previous work and learning stuff during free time). This allowed me to make another dream true - switch to a 4-day workweek.
I don't want to hide the fact that being only 80% employed is a big strain financially: I am more careful with spendings now than in 2017-2019. And, unfortunately, in 2020 I didn't use that much this extra free day for what it was initially planned - trying some side activities (preferably NGO/volunteering/sustainability or something related to outdoor, sustainable travel and such things). By the way, if you can hint me something: please do.
But working one day less helped me of course in many other ways: sleeping well more often, dealing with anxiety/depression/whatever, meeting people who are usually unavailable on weekend, finding time for German lessons, reading and blogging. It gave me flexibility as well: if the weather is total disaster on Saturday/Sunday, then I used that day for my other activities and then went outdoors on Monday. Or, if I decided to go somewhere far, I could use all 3 days, giving myself basically a long weekend any time I need it, not only on Easter, Christmas and Swiss National Day.
The company I work in meets my expectations so far: nice colleagues and smaller teams, own products instead of customer projects, good selection of technologies, chance to learn new things, less formality. I started remotely and have visited the office 2 or 3 times only during 2020, so it's hard to predict how would I feel when things get back to normal (tm). I already see some managers eager to put us in the office and other unproductive stuff, but it's a thing of the future and 2020 taught to worry less of it and to handle uncertainty easier. For now I just enjoy doing fully remote work and not having the need to make my way through the chaos of Zurich every morning.
Travel
January started in Finland and continued with skiing in Flumserberg, hiking on Kerenzerberg Römerweg, very wintry little hike to Kyburg and surprisingly vernal bike ride Rapperswil - Maur via route 29 during the same week.
A business trip to Dortmund in February (I couldn't foresee that Germany, the old good neighbor, where you could go anytime, would close its borders for considerable amounts of time in 2020; however, as it was the last business trip before leaving the company there was a bit of nostalgic flair and some sort of "when it would happen again?" feeling, which turned out to be relevant after all :D), skiing in Davos (twice!) and an absolutely epic showshoeing & winter camping trip with Meetup.
Winter hike with my mum near Pizol in March, a hike in Jura and then IT HAPPENED. I planned to go to Munich in the end of March (by bike!), but had a staycation instead (for the first time in my life). Hills and valleys around Zurich were basically the only places to visit, but that was also fun in a way and especially because I could do it in a great company of my new friends (and also the ones which are not in this picture).
Lots of little trips around Zurich in April again (by foot and by bike), but at some point it became clear that no one actually cares if you travel to any place in the country (except Ticino) by train and we went to Zug, Engelberg, Linthal as well.
Two wild camping trips in Jura in May (one hiking, one biking), some beautiful local tours (in great company again) and trying to sleep in a hammock for the first time (that was an epic failure, but later I mastered the skill by sleeping some nights in June in the hammock on my balcony).
June: Talalpsee by fatbike, kayaking on lake Biel, Thurgau and lake Constance by bike (3 times!), thunderstorm hike on Grosser Mythen and nice local tours.
Epic biking/camping tour Vaulruz - Stansstad in July, my birthday with climbing, swimming and of course cycling, Bachtel and other local tours. And a trip to Finland, when I sensed that soon things will get worse and if I am going to have any vacation this year, it's time to act (how right I was! all other vacation plans - Belgium, Scotland, Italy etc. failed due to corona and Finland also closed its "doors" very soon). During this vacation I visited places I know and like, but also discovered something new: from Sompasauna and Oittaa MTB trail to Kelvenne island (don't tell anyone, it's a secret and awesome "like on a postcard" island, with no tourists and reachable way faster than Kolovesi, which was my initial plan).
Finland trip continued in August, when I finally cycled on fatbike in Yyteri (was a wish of mine for quite some years), spent 3 days kayaking in Tammisaari archipelago and went hiking with my friend to Nuuksio. After coming back it was hard to adapt to the f***ing masks in the trains again, so at first I didn't want to go anywhere at all. One day I made myself go hiking to Sihlwald (it's nearby), then by the end of the month got into the mood again and hiked to Niederhorn, Schäfler and Weissenstein.
September started with a cool Nesslau - Appenzell MTB ride (MTB date actually! ^..^). I also re-thought my strategy of going outdoors: as sitting in the train with a mask is disgusting, I couldn't do as many long day trips as before. Instead, I decided to make at least once in a month a long weekend with overnight stays and on some other weekends make short day trips, with less time in a train or even just from the doorstep. The big trip of September was Morteratsch glacier. Other than that: hiking on Hirzli Rundweg and cycling to Kontanz.
In October I showed the MTB trails of Flumserberg to my friend, made another friend suffer on Horgen - Rothenthurm MTB route :D, did some rainy hikes to Wisenberg (I truly discovered canton Basel-Landschaft only in 2020!), went for a weekend trip to Klöntal, did nice tours/hikes in Züri Oberland and Aargau.
Even November couldn't prevent me from a great time outdoors: Bubikon by "road" bike (to "close" the season), Wila - Dietfurt on MTB and a bike tour along Walensee to Liechtenstein; hikes Unterägeri - Zug, Hochstuckli and the weekend trip to Locarno (with riding Corona dei Pinci MTB loop). End of the month was total crap however, you'll see why below.
The crap continued in December. First part of the month was just a disaster, where all I could do was a Benglen - Hottingen walk and a micro-hike to Kohlfirst. By the end of the month I managed to summon all my strength and go skiing to Davos for 3 days: I didn't feel totally well by then yet, but the knowledge of the coming lockdown made me being quick with decisions and bookings. The Christmas time was uneventful again, unlike in 2017 when I managed to visit places as remote as Biasca and Yverdon-les-Bains.
Personal life
"If you do the same thing, why then expect a different outcome", thought I. Instead of trying to find "the love of my life" as I was accustomed to, I thought of taking it easy this time :) That's how I got my first ever F+ relationship and was like "wow! why couldn't I allow it myself earlier?". Better later than never, though. I am very grateful to all the people (and especially blog/book authors) who promote sex-positive attitude, polyamorous/non-mainstream relationships and trying to destigmatize the pure joy of random encounters and breaking the "family-house-kids" dogma. After all, if I don't want any "serious" relationships (right now? only with certain people?), why should I try to fit into someone's expectations?
I managed to go to a couple of other dates too (including a hiking date! <3) before everything collapsed with the first lockdown. It was sad, but the spring situation didn't affect me too much after all. I had my "friend" (and then another one), great outdoor activities, the freedom to come home any time (or not to come at all) and the privilege to interact with people of any gender, without someone being jealous. I had plenty of time to enjoy things not every partner would share (like wild camping) and to make the most of the corona-summer. It was good and carefree time, which lasted roughly until my trip to Finland in the end of July.
Good things don't last forever, unfortunately. Your F+ suddenly disappears or wants more out of the relationship or something. Online dating is getting even more competitive and commercialized than the time I last tried it. Finding the best strategy (invest more effort in online dating? in offline interactions? try some completely innovative ways to find a partner?) takes time and doesn't necessarily bring any tangible results. What's the point of tweaking your profile to get more likes and chats, if people just disappear after few days of meaningful (I'd say) chatting? What's the point of going to the dates with people who have nice personality and matching hobbies, but are "undateable" (like the heroine of this movie)?
Online dating can make anyone miserable, and I think I got my share in the late 2020. Although I met nice (and very nice!), kind and authentic people, the overall experience is rather negative. I mean, in a way I get it: who'd like to date a 35+ IT guy who on one hand is rather soft and sensitive and on the other hand rambles most of his time in some crazy woods or mountains far away, instead of coming home for a dinner, doing "civilized" activities in the city, being more creative and versatile?
So, if online dating doesn't work that well, what is the solution then? Good old real life. Some people who know me found (or would find) it hypocritic, that after all the praise about the place I live now (a village "far away" from the city, with only hills, cows and woods around) I actually decided to move to the city. For me it totally makes sense hovewer, as I never felt so alone and disconnected as in the autumn of 2020. And, I mean, I will have all my life to live in a place like now, if I'd like to, why not to try now something different?
I really feel the need to meet people, make acquaintances and friends, find hobby buddies, be able to go for a beer (or two ;) without the need to prepare and schedule (as it takes 1h there and 1h back from my place now). And although I don't like Zurich that much during the "normal" time, enjoying empty streets and night, sitting by the lake or strolling along the rivers is actually pretty cool. And I want to be closer to the Zurich HB (main station), as it's the gate to all the miraculous places around and the closer I am the more is the the range of my day trips and also a bit better ability to join early morning hikes every now and then.
I didn't find a new place yet (only went to viewings and applied already), but resigned from my current apartment. New and hopefully exciting times are ahead in any case!
***
Speaking about the early morning hikes I can't help mentioning one important thing that happened in 2020. You know me, I was never a morning dude :D However, with all the stigma and pressure around I was more than once involved in a project "Alex is starting a new life again, from now on he'll go to bed at "decent" time and wake up early". Needless to say, that all failed. I always return to my normal schedule (falling asleep at 1:00-3:00 and waking up at 9:00-11:00) just in a couple of days, if I am left in peace.
The sudden joy of fully remote work helped me to re-encounter myself again. I mean, why I should follow anyone's beliefs of what's "right", if I feel way better just like this? In the spring The Guardian published a great article on this topic, so now at least I don't need to describe it with my own (a bit too emotional) words, can just send the link instead :)
This insight quite understandably put an extra wall between me, my friends and some group activities I'd like to take part it. But is it really my fault? I am usually willing to wake up a bit earlier, for the sake of having good time together and doing a cool a trip/activity. And I am the one who is booking a hotel somewhere to be able to arrive on previous evening and be ready for a group activity next morning. And I understand that everyone has their own preferences, but somehow I expected the willing to have good time and make adjustments to be mutual. Some people do that indeed (thank you, dear friends! <3), while many others just can't see beyound "it's wrong to go to the mountains so late" (although the hike ends ridiculously early), it's wrong this and that...
Oh yes, and in 2020 I understood another very important thing, which is good for me but has been quite detrimental to the friendships (some of them suffered, others even ended). I am not an "achiever", I am more of a "beholder". Although I do some activities which would horrify 90% of the population (like climbing the mountains, cycling in subzero temperatures, carrying a huge backpack and so on), it seems that from the people who actually go outdoors many are driven by something totally different than me. I don't want to criticize anyone, it's their life and their way. What I'd like to see is more easiness to every unplanned (and "completely unnecessary!") stop on the way, to every situation where "you could have done it before, why you do it now on the way"?, to every lunch break which took longer than expected (with the comments like "and why you need the real lunch again at all, nuts/fruits/bars would be just sufficient!"). I'd like more tolerance to the every "unneded" kilogram someone is carrying in their backpack or on their bike and to many other things. What's more important after all - to be the coolest guy/gal on Strava or notice the nature around actually, have a good time, plenty of laugh, warm memories and strong bond to the friends? For me the answer is obvious and it's of course the latter, not the former.
As my therapist said, I should stop ruminating these things :) and make other friends too, who are willing to put a bit more effort in having a common activity, even if it would need some adjustments on their side too and it would be "wrong" looking from the mainstream attitude and the culture of having lunch named Mittagessen (which literally means "the meal of midday" - and try to dare saying them you eat the lunch at 15:00!).
That is an absolutely correct piece of advice and I promise, it will be the last time I mention this topic ;) (And sorry to my "right" morning friends for bothering you again).
***
Ok, now I know what to do, but how to make new friends, how to date, how to meet people in general when there are more and more restrictions around? First we were served with plenty of anxiety and uncertainty, then we got the belief that any stranger can "kill" you just with their breath, then we were instructed to go online, stay at home, reduce the amount of contacts and avoid having any fun. Shortly after we were deprived of seeing each other's facial expressions and put in the endless dystopical setup with all the "mask zombies" around. Most of the usual stress-coping mechanisms were revoked (they are different from person to person, but everyone lost something proven, be it traveling or dancing or just going to spa). People are more cautious (if not hostile) to each other and feel ashamed to put a picture in Facebook about trivial things like having a dinner out (or, God forbid, a vacation somewhere!). The social life is mostly shut. And, of course, the worst thing is that it wasn't a short time to survive and forget, but continued again in autumn and is still around.
I felt already from September that I am not doing very well. But come on, it's just autumn spleen, it will go away. My emotional life has been a rollercoaster for already some time by then, but the amplitude got bigger and bigger. I was a bit scared, but didn't want to face the reality. I sailed somehow through October and by November I was worried, but again I thought it's just cold and darkness and it will be all right soon.
Adding to all the unsolved questions I dragged from the past year and from the beginning of 2020, I got quite bitter issues with friendships (sometimes concerning the things I couldn't even think about!), bad luck in dating, stopped psychotherapy (that was dangerous as I can see now: some well-hidden issues resurfaced, but I lost the support to handle them in a safe way). Well, I don't mention here the "trivial" things like failed vacation plans, is there a single soul who didn't face it in 2020?
But that was only the beginning. One not very nice day in November I woke up and felt very bad. I though I just got cold or something and spent the weekend in a couch potato way. But then it happened again and again. There were certain days when I felt better and (mostly using the big amounts of willpower) could do something I was used to (like cycling more than to the city and back), but in general I felt that my body has betrayed me. I was tired aven after a 1.5h walk in a forest, feeling that I am twice of my age, if not more. And me, who dances in circles around mignight and feels generally energetic in the evening/at night, was dead tired already by 18:00 (or even earlier). I struggled to even finish the work, so there were not much power left for my other activites, which in turn made me feel even worse.
Then the world started falling into the pieces again. I lost the ability to go to the swimming pool (adding to the inability to go climbing since summer), to the sauna, to meet people over a dinner/beer. I had to re-schedule my life to someone's pervert idea that all shops and other places must be closed by 19:00. Unlike the first lockdown, there was no rise in cycling and people were not really eager to visit each other at home (which is somehow understandable, as many were depleted of their energy too and not really willing to go anywhere after work, in cold and darkness). There were plenty of long days in November and December when I was alone 24h and didn't speak to anyone, didn't touch anyone (that's also something I discovered in 2020: I need touching; always needed actually, but never paid attention as it was always available - like air).
I think in the normal situation I could handle all the issues one after another, just as it's been in life before. However, too many things happened too fast in a sequence (starting with the break-up in October 2019, all the job interviews and even thoughts of moving back to Finland, continuing with the uncertainty and anxiety from March, which never disappeared, just eased a bit in the summer, only to hit harder in the autumn) and so on.
I know, I am not the only in this situation. So, dear people, I give you my warmest hugs and want you to know: you are not alone. Listen to yourself, get support, get strong and healthy again. There are better times coming.
What happened to me then? When I realized that something is wrong indeed and it's not fun to deny it anymore, I called the doctor. Instead of doing something useful right away, I was sent to the covid test (in spite of having no symptoms except tiredness). The test was negative and the antibody test I made later just out of curiosity too. They didn't even want to help me right away after confirming the negative test! (Claiming that I should wait until there are no "symptoms" and only then show up in the clinic). I never stopped wondering in 2020 how everyone is crazy about just one thing, ignoring the whole complexity of the situation around.
Anyway, after arguing a while and getting to talk to another doctor things started to roll. First set of tests? Nothing, you are healthy, Alex. Second set of tests: nothing, very cool numbers. The third set's results are still on the way (update: are just perfect), but something else happened in the meanwhile. I got a "prescription" to find a psychotherapist (which I am super grateful for! I mean that also prevented me from getting help in time - the doubt that I would get such "prescription"). After a week (!) of postponing due to the lack of power and "other things to do" I finally understood that if I don't do it right now, I am in a big trouble. On 23rd December, on a day of being dead tired just in 1h after I woke up, I made some phone calls and was very lucky to get an appointment for 28th December. That made me survive a lonely Christmas (as I've seen some light and the end of the tunnel; also my friends were very kind to me and invited later to an unplanned dinner!). And, voilà, I felt better just after the first therapy session. I know, it's not a magic pill, just a start of a long and exhausting work, but at least these few days I feel more like myself again. I could even go cycling (on a non-electric bike) and skiing again. Feels awesome! And worrisome of course - what if I would lose the possibility to do it again?
2020 > 2021
As many other people, I don't put excess expectations for 2021 and don't plan much. I hope it will be better than 2020, that would be already quite an achievement and something to be happy about.
Other than that, of course I am really looking forward to recovering my energy and strength. Moving to the city. Seeing how the adaptation to the "office life" would look like. Visiting my dear friends and family. Meeting new people and doing awesome activities with them. Falling in love. Trying new things. Staying myself. Seeing people with no masks around again. Using my 4-day work week in the way I originally intended it. Speaking German for real finally.
Oh wait, that's already a lot :) Yeah, maybe I should have asked Santa for not making too much plans and putting less expectations to myself.
And it would be cool if those good things which happened in 2020 would stay: remote work, more of a quality family time, people discovering amazing places nearby instead of the other continent, decrease in pollution, useless business trips and so on, increase in cycling rates, flexibility and resilience we showed as society, giving our mind and bodies more care by slowing down, sleeping better, listening to our inner values and accepting ourselves as we are.
I know, I'm a bit too late with it, but I wish you happy new year, dear friends! Stay happy, healthy, energized, hug and kiss each other often!
Ride forward into 2021 with no fear, no matter what the future brings! ;)
Funny enough, the year wasn't totally bad for me. Some highlights are: remote work (I didn't sleep so well and didn't feel so great since many years as in the spring/summer of 2020!), the rise of cycling during the spring lockdown (I was clearly on the crest of a wave during this short and beautiful time, as everyone asked about bikes/gear/routes), being in a right place (comparing to the other countries, Switzerland was and is a good place to survive the corona times, without curfews and such nonsense) and enjoying (at least at times) great time with friends, meetings with new people, living alone and not being in a relationship.
Some not very nice things happened this year as well, so the overall impact is rather negative, I'd say... Let's see what was 2020 about in more details.
Work
I let my anger go in the last year's review, so now about the good things. It's so funny: what started as a way to "punish" me produced negative outcome for the previous company (they lost someone with valuable skills and experience in exactly their area & technology stack), but positive outcome for me: more money, different area and technologies, a bit more flexibility and more confidence in myself regarding professional abilities. The transition was painful, as I described, but now from 2020 I can just thank you for being so unkind to me that I decided to leave. It changed my life to better :)
As I said, I wanted to switch the area from e-commerce to something else, but was afraid to lose in income. That wasn't the case, actually I got more money. (Just to make it clear: it's not a magic fairy helping me or a lucky coincidence, I put some effort into that by picking right projects/tasks at previous work and learning stuff during free time). This allowed me to make another dream true - switch to a 4-day workweek.
I don't want to hide the fact that being only 80% employed is a big strain financially: I am more careful with spendings now than in 2017-2019. And, unfortunately, in 2020 I didn't use that much this extra free day for what it was initially planned - trying some side activities (preferably NGO/volunteering/sustainability or something related to outdoor, sustainable travel and such things). By the way, if you can hint me something: please do.
But working one day less helped me of course in many other ways: sleeping well more often, dealing with anxiety/depression/whatever, meeting people who are usually unavailable on weekend, finding time for German lessons, reading and blogging. It gave me flexibility as well: if the weather is total disaster on Saturday/Sunday, then I used that day for my other activities and then went outdoors on Monday. Or, if I decided to go somewhere far, I could use all 3 days, giving myself basically a long weekend any time I need it, not only on Easter, Christmas and Swiss National Day.
The company I work in meets my expectations so far: nice colleagues and smaller teams, own products instead of customer projects, good selection of technologies, chance to learn new things, less formality. I started remotely and have visited the office 2 or 3 times only during 2020, so it's hard to predict how would I feel when things get back to normal (tm). I already see some managers eager to put us in the office and other unproductive stuff, but it's a thing of the future and 2020 taught to worry less of it and to handle uncertainty easier. For now I just enjoy doing fully remote work and not having the need to make my way through the chaos of Zurich every morning.
Travel
January started in Finland and continued with skiing in Flumserberg, hiking on Kerenzerberg Römerweg, very wintry little hike to Kyburg and surprisingly vernal bike ride Rapperswil - Maur via route 29 during the same week.
A business trip to Dortmund in February (I couldn't foresee that Germany, the old good neighbor, where you could go anytime, would close its borders for considerable amounts of time in 2020; however, as it was the last business trip before leaving the company there was a bit of nostalgic flair and some sort of "when it would happen again?" feeling, which turned out to be relevant after all :D), skiing in Davos (twice!) and an absolutely epic showshoeing & winter camping trip with Meetup.
Winter hike with my mum near Pizol in March, a hike in Jura and then IT HAPPENED. I planned to go to Munich in the end of March (by bike!), but had a staycation instead (for the first time in my life). Hills and valleys around Zurich were basically the only places to visit, but that was also fun in a way and especially because I could do it in a great company of my new friends (and also the ones which are not in this picture).
Lots of little trips around Zurich in April again (by foot and by bike), but at some point it became clear that no one actually cares if you travel to any place in the country (except Ticino) by train and we went to Zug, Engelberg, Linthal as well.
Two wild camping trips in Jura in May (one hiking, one biking), some beautiful local tours (in great company again) and trying to sleep in a hammock for the first time (that was an epic failure, but later I mastered the skill by sleeping some nights in June in the hammock on my balcony).
June: Talalpsee by fatbike, kayaking on lake Biel, Thurgau and lake Constance by bike (3 times!), thunderstorm hike on Grosser Mythen and nice local tours.
Epic biking/camping tour Vaulruz - Stansstad in July, my birthday with climbing, swimming and of course cycling, Bachtel and other local tours. And a trip to Finland, when I sensed that soon things will get worse and if I am going to have any vacation this year, it's time to act (how right I was! all other vacation plans - Belgium, Scotland, Italy etc. failed due to corona and Finland also closed its "doors" very soon). During this vacation I visited places I know and like, but also discovered something new: from Sompasauna and Oittaa MTB trail to Kelvenne island (don't tell anyone, it's a secret and awesome "like on a postcard" island, with no tourists and reachable way faster than Kolovesi, which was my initial plan).
Finland trip continued in August, when I finally cycled on fatbike in Yyteri (was a wish of mine for quite some years), spent 3 days kayaking in Tammisaari archipelago and went hiking with my friend to Nuuksio. After coming back it was hard to adapt to the f***ing masks in the trains again, so at first I didn't want to go anywhere at all. One day I made myself go hiking to Sihlwald (it's nearby), then by the end of the month got into the mood again and hiked to Niederhorn, Schäfler and Weissenstein.
September started with a cool Nesslau - Appenzell MTB ride (MTB date actually! ^..^). I also re-thought my strategy of going outdoors: as sitting in the train with a mask is disgusting, I couldn't do as many long day trips as before. Instead, I decided to make at least once in a month a long weekend with overnight stays and on some other weekends make short day trips, with less time in a train or even just from the doorstep. The big trip of September was Morteratsch glacier. Other than that: hiking on Hirzli Rundweg and cycling to Kontanz.
In October I showed the MTB trails of Flumserberg to my friend, made another friend suffer on Horgen - Rothenthurm MTB route :D, did some rainy hikes to Wisenberg (I truly discovered canton Basel-Landschaft only in 2020!), went for a weekend trip to Klöntal, did nice tours/hikes in Züri Oberland and Aargau.
Even November couldn't prevent me from a great time outdoors: Bubikon by "road" bike (to "close" the season), Wila - Dietfurt on MTB and a bike tour along Walensee to Liechtenstein; hikes Unterägeri - Zug, Hochstuckli and the weekend trip to Locarno (with riding Corona dei Pinci MTB loop). End of the month was total crap however, you'll see why below.
The crap continued in December. First part of the month was just a disaster, where all I could do was a Benglen - Hottingen walk and a micro-hike to Kohlfirst. By the end of the month I managed to summon all my strength and go skiing to Davos for 3 days: I didn't feel totally well by then yet, but the knowledge of the coming lockdown made me being quick with decisions and bookings. The Christmas time was uneventful again, unlike in 2017 when I managed to visit places as remote as Biasca and Yverdon-les-Bains.
Personal life
"If you do the same thing, why then expect a different outcome", thought I. Instead of trying to find "the love of my life" as I was accustomed to, I thought of taking it easy this time :) That's how I got my first ever F+ relationship and was like "wow! why couldn't I allow it myself earlier?". Better later than never, though. I am very grateful to all the people (and especially blog/book authors) who promote sex-positive attitude, polyamorous/non-mainstream relationships and trying to destigmatize the pure joy of random encounters and breaking the "family-house-kids" dogma. After all, if I don't want any "serious" relationships (right now? only with certain people?), why should I try to fit into someone's expectations?
I managed to go to a couple of other dates too (including a hiking date! <3) before everything collapsed with the first lockdown. It was sad, but the spring situation didn't affect me too much after all. I had my "friend" (and then another one), great outdoor activities, the freedom to come home any time (or not to come at all) and the privilege to interact with people of any gender, without someone being jealous. I had plenty of time to enjoy things not every partner would share (like wild camping) and to make the most of the corona-summer. It was good and carefree time, which lasted roughly until my trip to Finland in the end of July.
Good things don't last forever, unfortunately. Your F+ suddenly disappears or wants more out of the relationship or something. Online dating is getting even more competitive and commercialized than the time I last tried it. Finding the best strategy (invest more effort in online dating? in offline interactions? try some completely innovative ways to find a partner?) takes time and doesn't necessarily bring any tangible results. What's the point of tweaking your profile to get more likes and chats, if people just disappear after few days of meaningful (I'd say) chatting? What's the point of going to the dates with people who have nice personality and matching hobbies, but are "undateable" (like the heroine of this movie)?
Online dating can make anyone miserable, and I think I got my share in the late 2020. Although I met nice (and very nice!), kind and authentic people, the overall experience is rather negative. I mean, in a way I get it: who'd like to date a 35+ IT guy who on one hand is rather soft and sensitive and on the other hand rambles most of his time in some crazy woods or mountains far away, instead of coming home for a dinner, doing "civilized" activities in the city, being more creative and versatile?
So, if online dating doesn't work that well, what is the solution then? Good old real life. Some people who know me found (or would find) it hypocritic, that after all the praise about the place I live now (a village "far away" from the city, with only hills, cows and woods around) I actually decided to move to the city. For me it totally makes sense hovewer, as I never felt so alone and disconnected as in the autumn of 2020. And, I mean, I will have all my life to live in a place like now, if I'd like to, why not to try now something different?
I really feel the need to meet people, make acquaintances and friends, find hobby buddies, be able to go for a beer (or two ;) without the need to prepare and schedule (as it takes 1h there and 1h back from my place now). And although I don't like Zurich that much during the "normal" time, enjoying empty streets and night, sitting by the lake or strolling along the rivers is actually pretty cool. And I want to be closer to the Zurich HB (main station), as it's the gate to all the miraculous places around and the closer I am the more is the the range of my day trips and also a bit better ability to join early morning hikes every now and then.
I didn't find a new place yet (only went to viewings and applied already), but resigned from my current apartment. New and hopefully exciting times are ahead in any case!
***
Speaking about the early morning hikes I can't help mentioning one important thing that happened in 2020. You know me, I was never a morning dude :D However, with all the stigma and pressure around I was more than once involved in a project "Alex is starting a new life again, from now on he'll go to bed at "decent" time and wake up early". Needless to say, that all failed. I always return to my normal schedule (falling asleep at 1:00-3:00 and waking up at 9:00-11:00) just in a couple of days, if I am left in peace.
The sudden joy of fully remote work helped me to re-encounter myself again. I mean, why I should follow anyone's beliefs of what's "right", if I feel way better just like this? In the spring The Guardian published a great article on this topic, so now at least I don't need to describe it with my own (a bit too emotional) words, can just send the link instead :)
This insight quite understandably put an extra wall between me, my friends and some group activities I'd like to take part it. But is it really my fault? I am usually willing to wake up a bit earlier, for the sake of having good time together and doing a cool a trip/activity. And I am the one who is booking a hotel somewhere to be able to arrive on previous evening and be ready for a group activity next morning. And I understand that everyone has their own preferences, but somehow I expected the willing to have good time and make adjustments to be mutual. Some people do that indeed (thank you, dear friends! <3), while many others just can't see beyound "it's wrong to go to the mountains so late" (although the hike ends ridiculously early), it's wrong this and that...
Oh yes, and in 2020 I understood another very important thing, which is good for me but has been quite detrimental to the friendships (some of them suffered, others even ended). I am not an "achiever", I am more of a "beholder". Although I do some activities which would horrify 90% of the population (like climbing the mountains, cycling in subzero temperatures, carrying a huge backpack and so on), it seems that from the people who actually go outdoors many are driven by something totally different than me. I don't want to criticize anyone, it's their life and their way. What I'd like to see is more easiness to every unplanned (and "completely unnecessary!") stop on the way, to every situation where "you could have done it before, why you do it now on the way"?, to every lunch break which took longer than expected (with the comments like "and why you need the real lunch again at all, nuts/fruits/bars would be just sufficient!"). I'd like more tolerance to the every "unneded" kilogram someone is carrying in their backpack or on their bike and to many other things. What's more important after all - to be the coolest guy/gal on Strava or notice the nature around actually, have a good time, plenty of laugh, warm memories and strong bond to the friends? For me the answer is obvious and it's of course the latter, not the former.
As my therapist said, I should stop ruminating these things :) and make other friends too, who are willing to put a bit more effort in having a common activity, even if it would need some adjustments on their side too and it would be "wrong" looking from the mainstream attitude and the culture of having lunch named Mittagessen (which literally means "the meal of midday" - and try to dare saying them you eat the lunch at 15:00!).
That is an absolutely correct piece of advice and I promise, it will be the last time I mention this topic ;) (And sorry to my "right" morning friends for bothering you again).
***
Ok, now I know what to do, but how to make new friends, how to date, how to meet people in general when there are more and more restrictions around? First we were served with plenty of anxiety and uncertainty, then we got the belief that any stranger can "kill" you just with their breath, then we were instructed to go online, stay at home, reduce the amount of contacts and avoid having any fun. Shortly after we were deprived of seeing each other's facial expressions and put in the endless dystopical setup with all the "mask zombies" around. Most of the usual stress-coping mechanisms were revoked (they are different from person to person, but everyone lost something proven, be it traveling or dancing or just going to spa). People are more cautious (if not hostile) to each other and feel ashamed to put a picture in Facebook about trivial things like having a dinner out (or, God forbid, a vacation somewhere!). The social life is mostly shut. And, of course, the worst thing is that it wasn't a short time to survive and forget, but continued again in autumn and is still around.
I felt already from September that I am not doing very well. But come on, it's just autumn spleen, it will go away. My emotional life has been a rollercoaster for already some time by then, but the amplitude got bigger and bigger. I was a bit scared, but didn't want to face the reality. I sailed somehow through October and by November I was worried, but again I thought it's just cold and darkness and it will be all right soon.
Adding to all the unsolved questions I dragged from the past year and from the beginning of 2020, I got quite bitter issues with friendships (sometimes concerning the things I couldn't even think about!), bad luck in dating, stopped psychotherapy (that was dangerous as I can see now: some well-hidden issues resurfaced, but I lost the support to handle them in a safe way). Well, I don't mention here the "trivial" things like failed vacation plans, is there a single soul who didn't face it in 2020?
But that was only the beginning. One not very nice day in November I woke up and felt very bad. I though I just got cold or something and spent the weekend in a couch potato way. But then it happened again and again. There were certain days when I felt better and (mostly using the big amounts of willpower) could do something I was used to (like cycling more than to the city and back), but in general I felt that my body has betrayed me. I was tired aven after a 1.5h walk in a forest, feeling that I am twice of my age, if not more. And me, who dances in circles around mignight and feels generally energetic in the evening/at night, was dead tired already by 18:00 (or even earlier). I struggled to even finish the work, so there were not much power left for my other activites, which in turn made me feel even worse.
Then the world started falling into the pieces again. I lost the ability to go to the swimming pool (adding to the inability to go climbing since summer), to the sauna, to meet people over a dinner/beer. I had to re-schedule my life to someone's pervert idea that all shops and other places must be closed by 19:00. Unlike the first lockdown, there was no rise in cycling and people were not really eager to visit each other at home (which is somehow understandable, as many were depleted of their energy too and not really willing to go anywhere after work, in cold and darkness). There were plenty of long days in November and December when I was alone 24h and didn't speak to anyone, didn't touch anyone (that's also something I discovered in 2020: I need touching; always needed actually, but never paid attention as it was always available - like air).
I think in the normal situation I could handle all the issues one after another, just as it's been in life before. However, too many things happened too fast in a sequence (starting with the break-up in October 2019, all the job interviews and even thoughts of moving back to Finland, continuing with the uncertainty and anxiety from March, which never disappeared, just eased a bit in the summer, only to hit harder in the autumn) and so on.
I know, I am not the only in this situation. So, dear people, I give you my warmest hugs and want you to know: you are not alone. Listen to yourself, get support, get strong and healthy again. There are better times coming.
What happened to me then? When I realized that something is wrong indeed and it's not fun to deny it anymore, I called the doctor. Instead of doing something useful right away, I was sent to the covid test (in spite of having no symptoms except tiredness). The test was negative and the antibody test I made later just out of curiosity too. They didn't even want to help me right away after confirming the negative test! (Claiming that I should wait until there are no "symptoms" and only then show up in the clinic). I never stopped wondering in 2020 how everyone is crazy about just one thing, ignoring the whole complexity of the situation around.
Anyway, after arguing a while and getting to talk to another doctor things started to roll. First set of tests? Nothing, you are healthy, Alex. Second set of tests: nothing, very cool numbers. The third set's results are still on the way (update: are just perfect), but something else happened in the meanwhile. I got a "prescription" to find a psychotherapist (which I am super grateful for! I mean that also prevented me from getting help in time - the doubt that I would get such "prescription"). After a week (!) of postponing due to the lack of power and "other things to do" I finally understood that if I don't do it right now, I am in a big trouble. On 23rd December, on a day of being dead tired just in 1h after I woke up, I made some phone calls and was very lucky to get an appointment for 28th December. That made me survive a lonely Christmas (as I've seen some light and the end of the tunnel; also my friends were very kind to me and invited later to an unplanned dinner!). And, voilà, I felt better just after the first therapy session. I know, it's not a magic pill, just a start of a long and exhausting work, but at least these few days I feel more like myself again. I could even go cycling (on a non-electric bike) and skiing again. Feels awesome! And worrisome of course - what if I would lose the possibility to do it again?
2020 > 2021
As many other people, I don't put excess expectations for 2021 and don't plan much. I hope it will be better than 2020, that would be already quite an achievement and something to be happy about.
Other than that, of course I am really looking forward to recovering my energy and strength. Moving to the city. Seeing how the adaptation to the "office life" would look like. Visiting my dear friends and family. Meeting new people and doing awesome activities with them. Falling in love. Trying new things. Staying myself. Seeing people with no masks around again. Using my 4-day work week in the way I originally intended it. Speaking German for real finally.
Oh wait, that's already a lot :) Yeah, maybe I should have asked Santa for not making too much plans and putting less expectations to myself.
And it would be cool if those good things which happened in 2020 would stay: remote work, more of a quality family time, people discovering amazing places nearby instead of the other continent, decrease in pollution, useless business trips and so on, increase in cycling rates, flexibility and resilience we showed as society, giving our mind and bodies more care by slowing down, sleeping better, listening to our inner values and accepting ourselves as we are.
I know, I'm a bit too late with it, but I wish you happy new year, dear friends! Stay happy, healthy, energized, hug and kiss each other often!
Ride forward into 2021 with no fear, no matter what the future brings! ;)